Undecided Emotions

Some days I decide to be blissfully happy.  Some days I decide to be deeply depressed.  Some days I can't decide what to be.  Some days I know exactly what to be.  Some days I want to feel loved.  Some days I want to feel numb.  Some days I feel life is easy.  Some days I feel life is hard.  Some days I can't decide what I feel.  I wish I could force all these emotions away.  I wish I could just wake up one day and be perfectly content.  I don't know how it's possible to feel so many different feelings all at once.  Like a prism...all the colors of the rainbow hitting me at once.  Happy bright colors mixed with sad, dark colors engulfing me at the same time.  Suffocating me.  I realize I don't get the option to decide what I want to be.  It is decided for me by unnamed forces.  A tug-of-war of emotions each one pulling me desperately in their direction. Trying to win me over so they can suck up all of my energy and leave me breathless with no clue how I got there.  Exhausted from the battle within my head, my heart, my soul, my body.  I put up a strong front to fool everyone else.  Trying to prove I am strong to everyone including myself.  Am I just fooling myself?  Do others see my frailty?  I fear that they do.  Deep down I know they do.  Deep down I know that everyone sees it.  They see every character flaw.  They see every poor decision I've made.  They see it all.  Why do I care?  I know I shouldn't.  Everybody has a dark side.  Everybody has flaws.  Why do I feel like I need to hide mine all the time?  I know I've made mistakes...billions of big mistakes mixed with trillions of little mistakes that seem to snowball together making every new mistake bigger and bigger.  It seems like with every new mistake I burn out a flame that once burned...leaving a vast distance of ash and ruin between the people and things I love and me.  With every little mistake I make the distance grows.  Pushing me away from what I love most.  Pushing me from the people I love most.  Leaving me isolated.  Feeling sad, lonely, angry, lost, exhausted.  The light inside of me is completely burned out and every time I try to relight it the isolation and sadness becomes stronger.  Pushing harder.  I should just be happy to be alive.  I almost lost my life years ago and I should just be grateful for my body, for my soul, for my breath.  Some days I am incredibly grateful.  Some days I feel more blessed than I deserve to be.  Some days I feel like such an incredibly lucky being.  Just when I think I have my emotions in check the light changes and hits the prism and I get disoriented all over again, overwhelmed with all the colors of the rainbow, and the tug-of -war begins again.  So I grin and bear it while my soul gets stretched out in a million different directions while people don't see the reasoning behind my inner battle and thinking I'm just being dramatic over nothing.  The problem is they don't see it.  They don't see the chemicals in my brain playing their vicious games every day.  I did this to myself by putting on that strong front and wearing a smile all the time while incapable of explaining the war raging on in my head leaving scars on my body and face destroying my inner beauty.  To them it's simple.  Just relax.  Don't worry...be happy.  If only it was as simple as that.  I wish it was.  So I continue to let the battles rage on like wildfire burning and spreading deeper and deeper within me all the while keeping up appearances of a woman who is put together and strong and happy.  And here I sit with undecided emotions running through me.  Let the fire rage on inside from the battles past and present...one day I will find peace.  One day there will be no more undecided emotions.  One day I will decide and I will be beautiful again.

Counting My Blessings

Today I've been trying to count my blessings.

1 I am so lucky to have such an amazing husband
2 A nice apartment to live in
3 Decent cars that get us from point A to B and back to A again
4 My amazing family who takes good care of us and who we take good care of as well
5 My amazing in-laws who we love and miss so much
6 Our jobs and the great coworkers/friends we get to share our lives with
7 Modern medicine to heal all of our health issues
8 All other modern technologies to help us keep connected to our friends and family near and far
9 And for all of our opportunities

Even through our hard times it seems that we are making so much progress.  There is one thing in particular that we are working on right now that only a few people know about but we are so excited!!  Hopefully we'll get to share some good news soon but for now we don't want to jinx it.  We are just so very lucky and even though my depression/anxiety and Jonathan's bipolar gets the better of us some days...we try to remember just every blessing we have in our lives right now.  Hopefully the blood clot in my leg will heal soon so we can start exercising and getting a 5k in the plans for this summer!!  Wish us luck!!

Quick Update...More to Come (Hopefully Sooner Rather Than Later)

I just wanted to do a brief update today.  I am really going to try to post more and get more pictures going on here (once I find my camera).  For right now I'll keep it short.

Good news!!  Nate and Amber have their twins!!  They are so cute and I'm so happy for them!!  I love to see pictures of them on Facebook and Instagram and I couldn't be happier for them!  Congrats Amber & Nate!!

Jonathan and I ran our very first 5K on September 8th with my oldest and youngest sisters and my two friends Shaun and Daniel!  It was SUCH a great experience!!  I had some obstacles to overcome while I was training for this event...I had a month long pneumonia/pleurisy and two blood clots in my arm from the IV in the emergency room the first time.  Three ER visits later and a follow up doctor's appointment later I started to heal.  As soon as I was better I caught a cold that lasted for a week.  I started training the following week and while training I injured my foot...strained the fascia...and was told by the Dr that I needed to stay off of my foot for about a week...which was the week of the 5K.  I listened until Thursday of that week and then I got my butt on the treadmill that day and Friday.  The race was Saturday morning on gravity hill starting at the Capitol and ending at Memory Grove.  It was beautiful...and HARD!!!  Hahaha!!  I walked most of it and got done in about 40 minutes but I crossed the finish line with my sisters holding my hands.  They were literally my motivators during the whole thing.  I was so proud of myself for going through all of that and still pushing through to the finish line!  What an amazing experience that was!!  For any interested...the race was for Racing With Passion and they now have a picture of my sisters and I crossing the finish line hands clasped on their little slide show on their homepage and on their Facebook page.  Here's the link to the website!

Jonathan and I have been getting in control of his bipolar a little better so we are doing much better now.  Every now and then we have hard days with it but it's really started easing up since he got his job as the Academic Adviser at the Utah College Of Massage Therapy which provides a steady paycheck and decent, steady hours (he'll be going to days soon which means 8:30-5:30 Monday-Friday with no weekends and that will REALLY make a huge difference).

Other than that, there's not much going on.  I'm still working full time at the bank and I love my boss and coworkers and that is a great thing for me!  I will post more in depth later but that's just to give you a quick update!

God Is Real

The reason I know this is because everything happens for a reason. It was not a coincidence that Jonathan lost his job the day that he did. The very next morning my mom was rushed to the emergency room and needed constant supervision for the few weeks following til surgery and he was available to help take care of her. The day she was admitted into the rehab center after surgery was the day he got a job offer. Again...no coincidence. We have been incredibly blessed this month amidst the rough time we've been going through. My mom is doing great and should be released on Friday to go home for home health care and Jonathan started his job as an academic advisor at the Utah College Of Massage Therapy on Monday. Everything has fallen into place beautifully and we are thankful for the many blessings that God has given to us in these tough stages of life! I believe in God.

AT LAST!!!

Finally things are starting to fall into place!! We were able to pay off one of our debts in February and this month we'll be able to finish paying off another one!!! I am starting to feel the progress and it is like a breath of fresh air!!

We found our next apartment and we can't wait to move into it!!! We just hope there's one available when our lease is up in July or August! I LOVE the new place...it's in a great location, it's a newer complex, it's laid out a lot better, it's bigger, and it's beautiful...they paint an accent wall for you the color you want (you have three colors for you to choose from)!!! I LOVE the apartments that do accent walls...it makes it feel more like home! I detest white walls!! I'd prefer tan over white!!

Jonathan and I have started a daily, monthly, and yearly checklist of things we feel are important to get done on a regular basis that include cleaning, hygiene, quality time activities, etc. This all started because I felt that all we were doing was work and bills and that was it. I felt that we would work so hard and struggle so much that we were forgetting the little things we can do to keep ourselves healthier, our apartment cleaner, and still have room to enjoy each other's company. We have completely exhausted ourselves between work, housework, dealing with Jonathan's bipolar and my depression/anxiety, bills, etc. We haven't been able to get everything accomplished that we've needed to and still have the energy to have a little fun. So my fix was to start a checklist and break down all of our responsibilities and activities and spread them out throughout the week, month, and year! So far it has worked beautifully!! Yeah, sure, we miss things here and there but the important thing is that we continue to do it. It's like a goal for us that we can work on together consistently and it really has been bringing us closer together. I know that to some of you this sounds like too much work but honestly...it's cut our workload in half because we have a planned out schedule so we don't overdo it on some days and under-do it on the rest of the days. It's balancing out our lives rather nicely and I'm super proud of this project!

Jonathan received the Aaronic Priesthood on Sunday and I am so happy for him! He is progressing so quickly through this huge lifestyle change and he's really enjoying the path that it has put him on! I'm so proud of him!!

I'm so happy that 2012 is shaping up to be a great year for us! We are super excited to get to a place in our lives where we can grow together, maybe go to the temple together someday, buy a home together someday, and start a family together someday! We are really trying this year to make a huge leap in our progress towards our goals and so far it's looking good for us! We just want to keep the momentum going and hopefully achieve what we're hoping to achieve!

Update & An Exciting Announcement!!

So sorry it's been a while. Many of you may have already heard that as soon as Jonathan's old burned out computer was trashed and the hard drives were destroyed my laptop completely crashed. When I say as soon as...I mean the exact same day. So we have been computerless for a few weeks but we finally saved up enough to get a new laptop last week and here we are again!

A few quick updates then we have a big announcement.

A few quick updates:

1-I have been at the new branch near my house for almost a month and I am LOVING it!! I save on gas and food because I live so close I can just drive home for lunch and I get to make my own lunch which saves on eating out. I also love my coworkers...they are all really awesome and they treat me like gold which is a HUGE thing in the workplace these days. I love feeling wanted and loved and appreciated!!!

2-Jonathan is still loving his job at the hospital and has had some difficulties with it recently but is still happy with it anyway which makes me happy.

3-We got this new beautiful laptop to replace the two that died and we are loving it!! I know I already said that but I wanted to reiterate the fact that we are making progress in getting the things we need to make life more simple/comfortable!!

4-We started making a family improvement plan to help us with our struggles with Jonathan's bipolar disorder and we're hoping that it will just help improve our relationship as a couple and bring us closer together. I always believe there is always something to work on in relationships and this is a tool that I think will help us build a strong marriage and family. It includes many various activities we can do together (i.e. read together, watch uplifting movies together, exercise together, go on dates together, work on spirituality together, etc.) and building a good stable routine to keep up on the house and hygiene and all that fun stuff! I'm excited about it! I love having routines...things just seem to flow smoother when we're in routines plus it's incredibly good for Jonathan's bipolar!

And here's the big announcement:

If you noticed above in the family plan we talked about working on our spirituality. Jonathan and I have decided to start going to our local LDS church to see if it is something we can both incorporate in our lives together. We had talked many times about having kids someday and desiring to raise them in a healthy, religious atmosphere so they can gain a good moral basis and be raised in a good environment with good friends and make them strong in their own convictions. I have researched many churches and maybe I'm a little biased because I was raised LDS and although I have made MANY mistakes throughout my life (as everyone does) I still feel that I turned out ok and that would be how I'd want to raise my children someday. Not to mention it would be really good to have the gospel in my own life again...the support it gives is phenomenal and I think that having so many good people who share my values in my life would be really healthy for me and Jonathan both.

I honestly didn't think that Jonathan would be up for even testing out the church. He was born and raised Catholic and he had gone a different direction with his life. He wasn't actively attending church and he was quite the party boy. He made some really bad decisions in his life that led him down a really bad path and he had to find his way back to normalcy. Part of the risky behaviors and bad decisions are chalked up to his bipolar and not really knowing about it or understanding it...they call it self-medicating. Most bipolars struggle with drugs and alcohol and other "risky behaviors" and Jonathan had his fair share of all of that. He surprised me when we were dating because I mentioned that maybe I would want to start going to church again to see if it's for me and he agreed to come with me to my oldest sister's ward. It surprised me that he liked it and even more that we were going regularly for about 8 months starting in January this year. We stopped going, however, because it was getting difficult for me to attend when I wasn't sure that Jonathan was really ok with it. I wasn't sure that it would be something we could do if he was unwilling to really apply the things we learned to our daily lives and if he wasn't planning on getting baptized to become a member of the church it must be because he wasn't ok with it fully and I really think it's important to be on the same page as far as religion is concerned. So I struggled with it for those reasons and others.

Today we went to our own home ward for the first time. I have never actually had my own ward so it was scary to say the least. We made my little sister come with us for moral support. In Sacrament meeting there was a speaker from someone in the stake or high council or something (I'm sorry...I forgot what his calling was) and he talked about the importance of tithing which was a really good talk and I learned a lot. After his talk, the bishop spoke about trials and their purpose in life and how we can learn and grow from them. Jonathan started tearing up a bit and pretended to be yawning (I thought it was a yawn..hahaha) and afterwards we met two members of the bishopric...one of which got all of our information and showed us to our Sunday School class. In Sunday School we were learning about Pure Religion and reading from the book of James. We learned a lot of good stuff and we got to James Chapter 1 Verse 5 that says: "If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him." LDS members all know why that scripture has significance. That scripture is the one that inspired Joseph Smith to pray in the sacred grove where he saw a vision of God and Jesus Christ who revealed their plan for this church to be brought to earth. Joseph Smith is considered the first prophet of the LDS church. What a powerful scripture that is. Anyway, when we came across that scripture my little sister and I explained to Jonathan the significance of that scripture and how that is how the LDS church eventually came to be. Something struck a chord with Jonathan in Sacrament Meeting already and a bit in Sunday School. He leaned over to me and whispered that he wasn't sure he'd be able to make it through the next meeting (Priesthood for him/Relief Society for me). I thought it was because his stomach had been growling and he may be uncomfortable there and maybe just wanted to go home.

After the closing prayer was given in Sunday School, Jonathan bee-lined over to the bishop and told him we needed to sit down with him. The bishop said that we could set up an appointment and meet later after church but Jonathan told him it was necessary now. We headed into the bishop's office while Jonathan was explaining that he wasn't a member and that I was an inactive member. My sister took a seat in the foyer while we had our meeting. We sat down in his office and Jonathan said to the bishop, "I was listening to your talk in Sacrament and you moved me...I want to start down the path towards baptism." I was SHOCKED!!! I whirled my head around and looked at him with my jaw dropped and said, "WHAT?!!!" He went on about how he doesn't know what happened really but he was touched and wants to start down the road towards baptism. The bishop, obviously pleased and excited for us both, gave us the numbers to the area's missionaries and Jonathan has agreed to take the missionary discussions! I am still shocked now, as I'm writing this! I never expected this. I didn't even know if we were going to be coming back to church the next week because it was so complicated for us both to go when he felt so strongly about not being baptized. I don't know what changed but I feel that between the bishop's inspiring talk and the amazing Sunday School lesson something resonated with Jonathan and he made the choice entirely on his own. I am so proud of him for making such a difficult choice without any help from anyone at all. He felt inspired to do this on his own and that is something amazing to me. So tomorrow Jonathan is calling the missionaries and we'll set the first appointment with them.

I know that this may shock a lot of my friends because I haven't been religious for many years but I honestly have felt very deeply that I need to work on my spirituality. I feel that there is something missing in my life that could help me through all the trials in life. My goal is to get to a state of peace within myself and within the world. I feel that this is going to help. I am so nervous to go back for many reasons but it is something I feel will contribute immensely to my well-being and happiness and now I believe it will contribute to Jonathan's happiness and well-being too. I am not saying by any means that the LDS church is the ONLY way to go. I truly think there is good in almost every religion. I think that this is the one that works for me and I really believe this is the best path for us. I am overcome with emotion from all of this but mostly I am excited. I am excited to start this path with Jonathan and I'm excited to start doing something better with my life. I hope it will all work out for us and that it will be a good experience for us and help us lead a full life. Wish us luck!!

Rip:60 Update Week 2

Ok...so Week 2:Hyper Burn was a COMPLETE BUST!!! Monday I was so stressed out because work was incredibly stressful and my legs were killing me so much so that when I got home and tried to do my workout I quit a quarter of the way through it and laid on the couch and watched the rest of the video play out...yeah...REAL productive, I know! Haha! Then it seemed every day after that I had kinda given up on working out for the rest of the week and blew it off every day. I am proud to say, however, I have been coca-cola free for one week!!! My last Coca-Cola was on Saturday, the 1st of October!! The headaches were bad at first but now they are not nearly as intense as they were those first few days! I think that mostly I'm getting headaches from stress now. Still...we need to exercise...so Jonathan and I have decided to commit to starting Week 2 over again this week and making sure we follow through with it!! I gotta be honest...it is incredibly hard to find the motivation to continue with the workout schedule after having such a bad week but in order for us to be healthy we MUST exercise! I'm glad we are sticking to it, though, instead of just throwing in the towel. Anyway...hopefully this week will be a success!!!

Week 1 Self-Assessment:
My 3 Biggest Successes This Week:
1. Sticking with the diet
2. Being conscious of the beverages I drink
3. Making healthier choices while eating out

My 3 Biggest Weaknesses This Week:
1. Blowing off exercising
2. Stressing out about missing the workouts
3. Being too hard on myself for cheating

3 Areas I Feel I Improved On This Week:
1. Focusing on what I put into my body
2. Continuing to eat breakfast in the mornings
3. Not completely giving up by committing to start Week 2 over again

3 Areas I Feel I Need To Improve On Next Week:
1. Making more of an effort to work out
2. Follow through with ALL days of exercise
3. Being more motivated

Rip:60 Update Week 1

So today marks the last day of Week 1 of the Rip:60!! Week 1 was called Waking Up Your Body and I hope that my body is awake now and ready to work it out for the next 7 weeks!!! I have to say...for someone who HATES exercising and has problems with eating I did pretty dang good!!! I only missed one day of working out (Friday) but I did it the rest of the week!!! That is such a HUGE accomplishment for me!!! The week started out rough...eating some unhealthy items but trying to incorporate healthy foods into my routine little by little. I struggled to do some of the exercises that was required but by the end of the week I definitely felt like I was making progress learning them!! I thought that I'd be just so completely drained but I am actually feeling a tiny bit better than usual, which is a VERY good thing!!! :D I'm so proud of myself and I am so happy that I have stuck with it even when it was hard this week! Next week frightens me...I am giving up my biggest addiction...Coca-Cola....my favorite drink in the world!!! I have tried many times to quit drinking soda but it is incredibly hard when it is so cheap and so available everywhere you go!! It's going to be a rough week next week but I'm determined to stick to the diet and stick to the exercise routine! I'm so happy that we get Saturdays and Sundays to rest!!! I think if this was a 7 day workout routine I'd probably not do it! I work hard but I need time to relax and play! Hopefully I will get my body where I need it to be!!

Week 1 Self-Assessment:
My 3 Biggest Successes This Week:
1. Sticking to the workout schedule
2. Pushing myself to do better each day
3. Keeping a good attitude about it

My 3 Biggest Weaknesses This Week:
1. Drinking too much soda
2. Eating unhealthy food for lunches during the week
3. Missing Friday's workout

3 Areas I Feel I Improved On This Week:
1. Focusing on what I put into my body
2. Actually eating breakfast as often as possible
3. Working hard to do a little better on the exercises each day

3 Areas I Feel I Need To Improve On Next Week:
1. Drinking absolutely NO soda
2. Follow through with ALL days of exercise
3. Improve my form while doing the exercises

I DID IT!!!!

‎We just finished Week 1: Day 1 of the rip:60!!!! I didn't do so great in the morning...cinnamon bears and a Coke for breakfast, Arby's Jr Roast Beef (x2) and a Coke for lunch. But at least I had my water bottle mixed with my fiber in there before lunch...and dinner was healthy...lemon dill swordfish steak, wilted spinach, and balsamic rice!!! Plus I've been snacking on healthy things like yogurt and fruit! :D YAY!!!! OH....AND I KICKED Jonathan's trash on the workout!!! WOOOHOOO!!! GO ME!!!! Honestly...the fact that I worked out at all is what I'm most proud of! The rip:60 is intense!! I'm scared to death!! Week 1 is called Waking Up Your Body. You do that workout for the first week then move up to the next so every week is a new workout for the next 8 weeks. Plus there's 4 additional workouts you can do but they are optional. It also has a great menu plan for a good diet! What an adventure this will be. I've hardly worked out ever and I've NEVER been on a diet...SCARY!!! Oh well...wish me luck!! :D

We're Getting There

I am so excited!! I got the interview at the Utah State Tax Commission!! It was on Wednesday morning. It went pretty well...I think. The only thing is they told me what the starting pay was and it's .3o less an hour. Kinda a bummer seeing as money seems to be the bane of my existence lately. I hate money. It seems to control so much. NOT ANYMORE!!! I refuse to let myself become a slave to money. I hate money and I am going to learn how to make it work for me instead of working for it. Hence the reason we're starting the Dave Ramsey's Total Money Makeover again. I know that I have posted about it before. We actually were halfway to our goal of Baby Step 1 which is to save $1000 for an emergency savings. We had $500 of our $1000 and then....we got engaged. We spent all of our emergency savings...and then some...on the wedding. WELL worth it but still sad that we are here again...back where we started. But this time we are seriously making a huge commitment to stick to the plan. We are determined to be successful with this. Anyway...next paycheck it all starts!!

As for the job crisis...I'm not exactly sure what I'm going to do. I mean...I REALLY want a job with a better work environment. Banking was never my final job goal. I actually have gone through MANY different job goals in my life. I even studied Barbering/Cosmetology in college. I quit in the 3rd semester even though I only had one semester left til I was 100% completely finished...it just was not for me. I haven't made it back to school yet but I fully intend to someday. Right now the vision is dietetics. I would love to be a clinical dietitian...at the moment...we'll have to see how that pans out. But as for now I'm stuck in banking losing my energy and drive for that job. It's a pretty rough environment to be in...especially these days with how the economy is...nobody has any money and EVERYBODY is on edge. On top of that...I'm REALLY not enjoying the branch I'm at. So I started applying for jobs. Mostly clerical/secretarial jobs. I think I've sent my application in to about a million places and I have had no success. Here's the thing...I am GREAT at interviews. Every job I've ever had an interview for...I've received a job offer. The problem is I have a limited resume. I am great at interviewing but getting the interview is a whole process in itself. I actually had given up on the tax commission job...just like the many other jobs I didn't hear back from. So I had written to one of my previous managers at another branch from earlier in my career before the divorce to see about possibly transferring and forcing a raise upon myself. The reason being I'm sick of my job...even though I'm great at it...and I'm sick of the dismal pay. So I figure if I can't get a job with a better environment I should start trying to pursue getting a raise to even out the bad environment. Basically I've been feeling like I've been working too hard for too little for far too long!

So...the day after I did that, doubting that I'll have a shot at a new job, I got the call to take the data entry test! Talk about bringing hope back into the picture!!! So I went and took the test...still awaiting to hear about the possibility of transfer but basically thinking there's a good chance that won't happen, either. So you may have read earlier that I did pass the test and get the chance to interview for that job. I went into the interview with an idea that the pay would be equal to or more than my current pay. I was wrong. VERY wrong. It's $50 less a month. So immediately I'm disappointed but then after speaking to some friends and family...I began to contemplate whether the move would be plausible...or worth it. I hadn't heard from my old manager in a few weeks so I kinda had a feeling that wasn't going to happen. Then...I randomly sent a text to one of my other friends who works at that branch and SHE brought up the transfer. She told me that all I have to do is request it from my manager and basically it's a done deal. So now I'm in a dilemma. Do I transfer to get out of the branch I'm miserable in to go to a branch that may be a tiny bit better...and I don't even know if I'll get the raise...or do I take the job with a better environment, better schedule, and better dress code but less pay? I've been talking to my family and friends about it. I have been trying to make the best decision for me and my husband. We could be ok with $50 less a month...it will be a little more difficult...but honestly...with everything that's going on with us...Jonathan's illness, my health, our debt, etc...it's really hard to decide. I have been weighing the options...pros and cons...as for now I am leaning towards the paycut for a better environment but we'll have to see. I haven't even been offered the job and I probably won't even hear about it for a week or so but I'm really hoping I get the offer so I have options. I'm nervous. I really hope I get the offer so that maybe I can make a better decision. I will have to keep you updated on it.

Honestly even though I feel as if my life is incredibly unsettled...I still feel that we're getting there. That pretty much sums it up...I feel as if we are getting there. That's what all of this fight is all about...finding our life together and settling into stability...and we're getting there. I finally feel like something good is coming for us. I feel that just around the corner is something good for us. We're getting there. I am so grateful for all the wonderful opportunities that have been presented to us. We are so lucky. We have worked hard for our life together and we still will. At least I'm finally feeling like we're getting there! I am so lucky and I am so excited to have this journey in my life. I can tell already that I am getting stronger and smarter from all of these experiences. Thank heaven for little victories!

GREAT News!!!

We finally got my car fixed...it needed a new battery!!! THANK GOODNESS that's all it was!!

I also got a call back on a job I applied for about a month ago doing data entry at the Utah State Tax Commission!!! They wanted me to do a data entry test so I went in on Tuesday and did the test. It was HARD!! They had these crazy math questions on part of it which I KNOW I bombed (hahaha) and then the typing tests. I did 9 3-minute tests and I can't remember all of my scores but I do remember getting at least over 10,000 keystrokes average with 99% accuracy...I thought that was pretty good for me. When I finished all the tests I looked around and...yeah...I was the very last person left testing still. I said (yes, out loud) "Man, I'm the last one...that's NOT good!" The HR lady just kinda laughed and gave me my final instructions and I was on my way. I left feeling pretty bummed. I thought I bombed the entire test hardcore!! I went home and pigged out on junk food and applied for 3 or 4 more jobs while I sulked. I got a call the next day from a different HR rep offering me an interview (meaning I passed the test and am still in the running for the job)! YAY!!!! The interview is on Wednesday at 8:30 so wish me luck!!! This job would be awesome because it'd be four 10-hour shifts Monday through Thursday and I'd get to wear regular street clothes (no dress code) and I'd be paid more and I'd be off by 4:30 every single day. It'd also be good for me because I'd be working in the same building as my mom!! I'd be able to be close to her and I think that would be fun! I wouldn't have to deal with customers, I'd actually get to sit down, I wouldn't have to deal with large amounts of cash/responsibilities. It would be such a good environment for me!! I really hope I get it.

Other GREAT news is that I got the results back from the Colposcopy and I don't have cancer!!! They want me to come back in about 6-12 months to do a follow up check to make sure it's going away or gone but so far I'm cancer free!!! YAY!!!!

All in all I am incredibly happy with the past week!!! I'm so excited that things are starting to even out a bit!!! I'm off tomorrow so that means time for me to continue reading my book!!! I'm going to get caught up on things around the house and relax!! I'm so excited!!! Another good thing that happened this week is last night when I got the news that I got offered the chance to interview I came home from work and Jonathan had the table all set up with a coke on ice and our beautiful martini glasses that we received for our wedding with the flowers he'd bought me earlier this week and he had cooked me a beautiful cubed steak dinner with rice and veggies and a side of beans!!! PERFECT dinner!!! After dinner he brought out a beautifully prepared plate of chocolates from Cold Stone Creamery/Rocky Mtn Chocolate Factory!!! YUM!!!! It was such a beautiful night!!! I love him!!!

Anyway...I am just so relieved with all of this great news that we've received this week and I am incredibly happy to have a week of near normalcy!! I wish I would've thought to take pictures of my beautiful dinner last night to post. Oh well...maybe next time!!! It was still a great week and I'm feeling satisfied with it! :D

Update!

Sorry...it's been pretty crazy around here for us. I just wanted to write a quick update. I'm still working hard at the bank and we recently had our audit which we passed (THANK GOODNESS!!!). Jonathan is still loving his job as head chef at the hospital.

We're still working on getting Jonathan's bipolar disorder under control. We've been working on getting into a routine because I've been reading some awesome books that are helping us out with the disorder and handling it. THIS BOOK has been my favorite so far! I'm currently reading THIS BOOK to learn more about different types of ways to manage the disease. I'm liking it so far but I'm not that far into it. (To keep up on what I'm reading currently click HERE) We've had a few rough patches on our journey to stability but I honestly feel like we've been making some progress which is GREAT!! Any progress is good progress! We are still working on getting into the therapist regularly but hopefully when that happens it'll make things a little easier on us. I'm thinking of joining a support group that meets about once a month to get my own support through it but we'll see. We also are trying to make his sleep schedule regularized and we're working on getting our diet and exercise figured out to be healthier. The healthier we are, the easier managing bipolar is. We'll keep you updated on our progress.

We are also currently dealing with my health issues, still, and it's a little slow going but we're trying to get it under control. My stomach issues are now determined by the doctors as unknown. They say that I do not have Celiac (gluten intolerant) so that's good news ( I LOVE gluten products)! I had my wonderful yearly exam a few weeks back and usually I get no calls back...just a postcard saying it came back normal. This time, however, I got a call from my doctor saying that they found some abnormalities that are pre-cancer cells in my cervix. They referred me to a specialist to do a colposcopy to look into it further. I took the news pretty hard because I feel like everything is hitting me all at once lately with work, money, dr's, and cars. It's just a test...that's all I have to think of it as. I got the test done on Thursday the 25th. They took two biopsies and sent them to the pathology lab so we're still waiting on the results. We are optimistic about it. We think it's nothing major so hopefully we are right. :D I'll let you know how those results are when we get them back.

When I got in my car the other day to go to my colposcopy...yeah...my car wouldn't start. So Jonathan had to rush out of work to come and get me and take me to the appointment himself. It wasn't such fun because they suggested I take 400-600 mg of Ibuprofen before the appointment to help relieve the pain that will be caused by the test. I didn't have any Ibuprofen so I was planning to leave way early so I could stop at the store and take some beforehand but when my car wouldn't start...that plan went out the window. I had to do it without any medication so it was kinda painful but I survived. We still don't know what's going on with my car. Jonathan got it to start but there is definitely a problem that needs to be fixed. PLUS his car's windshield was attacked by a rock on the freeway and it took a good chunk of glass out of it causing a spider-like chip in the windshield. There is now a crack spreading from there on both sides of the chip and it will soon be the entire length of the windshield. On top of that every time Jonathan's car turns it makes a knocking noise...NOT GOOD! Guess we'll be spending a lot of time at the mechanic shops over the next few months. Hopefully these car problems aren't too serious.

I applied for a job a few weeks back at the Utah State Tax Commission doing data entry and I got a call back for that last week. I'm going in on Tuesday for a data entry typing test so we'll see how that goes. I'm hoping for an interview because that job would be AWESOME for me. I would work four 10's and be off by 4:30 every night. Every weekend would be a 3-day weekend!! Plus I'd get paid more and could wear my regular street clothes...no dress code to follow. I'd be able to just plug in my iPod and work away...no customers to worry about, no standing all day, no lifting heavy boxes of coin, etc. I'm sure it'll be an incredibly boring job but I really wouldn't mind that! I'm excited to see how this goes for me. I honestly think it would be a great thing for us.

Now you know what we've been up to lately...it's been crazy but honestly we are feeling pretty positive about everything in the midst of all of this chaos so that's a really good thing! We are definitely tired and feeling pretty worn but to be feeling positive about everything that is happening is truly a relief. We're just trying to take it day by day and so far it's working pretty well for us. I promise I will try to keep up on this better...it's just been hard because it's like we have SO much going on I don't even know where to start blogging. Hopefully the next few weeks will bring some relief to our situations in life. As soon as the car situation and the doctor visits start slowing we are bound and determined to restart the Dave Ramsey's Total Money Makeover plan again. Gaining control over our finances will help our stress levels so much and we've been anxious to get started on that again. I'll probably be posting more about that progress as well. Thanks for reading my blog....I really appreciate you for caring enough to check in on us!

Colonoscopy Results & First Day Of Therapy

The results are in for my colonoscopy...everything looks healthy...so far. They want to do some more blood work (how much more blood are doctors going to take from me?!!) to see if I have Celiac...an intolerance to Gluten products. I got the paperwork the other day to take to the lab and I'm going to try to get in on Saturday morning so they can draw even more blood from me to run tests. Since the colonoscopy came out normal, both on the regular colonoscopy and the biopsies, they think that the reason I'm sick all the time is because I may have this gluten intolerance which means that anything with wheat, barley, or rye will be off my menu permanently. SAD!!!! You can read more about Celiac Disease HERE. I am getting really nervous about why I'm sick all the time. I just hope it's nothing too serious. Between Jonathan's Bipolar and my poor health...we are at the doctor's office A LOT! The thing that's frustrating is that I used to be so healthy all the time. I NEVER got sick. I rarely felt under the weather and I never had to go to the dr more than my yearly woman appointments. No it seems like I'm in the doctor's office once a week or so. Oh well...hopefully they'll find out what's wrong with my body soon so I don't have to keep going all the time.

Jonathan's first day of therapy was on Monday afternoon. I was so upset because I was stuck at work and couldn't get out of it and it's really important that I go with him to therapy. I know that most people disagree with spouses going to therapy together unless it's couples therapy but with bipolar it's different. Most of the time bipolars don't pay attention or don't remember everything that is told to them and they can only remember bits and pieces of conversations. Sometimes they flat out don't comply so it's VERY important that someone who lives with them or is close to them goes with them regularly to make sure they are complying. On top of that bipolar is a very outward disease so a lot of times they don't even notice their own behavior...it's like they have tunnel vision and can't focus on anyone but themselves and how they are feeling. Luckily Jonathan's therapist let him record the session on his phone for me to listen to later. Most therapists won't do that for liability reasons but she knew how important it was that I am involved in the therapy process. Anyway...the session went incredibly well. It was basically Jonathan giving her his history and background. She recommended a book called "Loving Someone With Bipolar" which I'm eager to pick up so I can start reading! I think it's helping us just to know that we are taking more steps to further our progress and to get the support we need to make our marriage successful and to help us both in healing and moving forward. I have been having a REALLY rough time trying to get my schedule to work out with the therapist's but I can't wait until I can get in! I'm so lucky that Jonathan is complying so far with his medication and therapy treatments! I think that is what keeps me going...knowing that I'm important enough to him to push him to keep going. We'll keep you updated on the therapy progress as much as we can.

Life is so crazy right now with all this work and doctor stuff. I'm really trying to keep open about this which Jonathan is a big fan of because he knows how important it is for me to get the help and support I need and to be able to share our progress and our feelings openly. I'm making a huge effort to keep positive about things even though it's a really tough spot we're in. We're staying hopeful and just pushing forward. Hopefully we'll have a normal-ish life in the future and things won't be so intense. Wish us luck!!!

Colonoscopy & Audit In The Same Week...NO FUN...But Karma Can Be Sweet!

So I had a sorta rough week this week. Monday I was forced to consume only clear liquids....I wasn't allowed ANY solid foods in preparation for my colonoscopy on Tuesday morning. I have never taken a laxative before and man I could definitely live without it...I was SO sick all day and night on Monday.

On Tuesday I woke up and was almost excited to get to the hospital for the procedure! I wanted to feel better again and I hadn't slept that night before so being put to sleep and feeling better when I woke up sounded incredibly amazing to me! I got to the hospital and they got me all checked in and asleep I went....AHHHH, BLISS!!! I guess when I was starting to come to I started groaning like my body was saying..."PLEASE DON'T WAKE ME UP!!!" I do that on mornings when it's time to wake up and I REALLY wish I could stay asleep. I got home and rested as much as I could but I still wasn't feeling great. Better, but not great.

Wednesday I went back to work. I was scheduled for an open to close shift. On my way to work I received a text from my coworker that she thinks that the auditors are in the parking lot. OH GREAT!!! Come back from a medical procedure to a crappy shift AND auditors!!! It is an incredibly stressful day when you have auditors at work because they follow you around all day long to make sure you are doing your job right and they breathe down your neck while they search for any mistakes that you make. They interview you and ask you all these questions one on one and it is incredibly intimidating. I got scared...and I said some REALLY stupid answers because of it. Thank goodness our auditor had mercy on me because she watched me more than the rest of the tellers since I'm the vault teller and have more responsibility than the rest of them and she saw that I really do know what I'm doing. She said she'd overlook the few stupid responses I had....WHEW!!!

Today was day 2 of the audit and I felt it went better than day 1. It was still incredibly stressful but at least I had more of my head with me today. It was a VERY long day today but I'm thankful that for me the audit is over. I took tomorrow off as a vacation day a couple weeks ago and I'm SO glad I did. I get to miss out on day 3 of the audit!!! YAY!!! We'll find out the results of the audit (whether we passed or failed) in about 15 days or so. Hopefully we did well.

Off the subject...I had a brush with Karma the other day and I'm LOVING it!!! Ok...every once in a while I curse Karma because it bit me in the butt but it's never been too bad to me...this time...Karma is on MY side!!! So about a week or two ago I applied for a job that I would KILL for...and I didn't even get an interview because of the recruiter. I wrote the recruiter an email saying that I felt she made a mistake, that I believe I'm perfect for the job and that I can do it, etc. She wrote me back an INCREDIBLY condescending email about why she doesn't think I'm qualified and that she thinks that I will not be good for the job, etc. From the way the email sounded...it was like she took offense to my questioning her decision to cut me out of the applicants who were to be interviewed for the position. I didn't write it in an offensive way...I was basically begging her to give me a second chance. She shot me down and then treated me like I was a five year old who didn't know how recruiting worked. So I let it go. I didn't want to keep arguing with her...I told her how I felt and made my peace with her decision to cut me regardless.

Yesterday the woman from the department that I applied for (who was the one who told me to apply in the first place and who was one of the interviewers for that position) went up to Jonathan and told him that ALL of the applicants the recruiter sent her bombed. She said there were 85 applicants and of those 13 of them were sent by the recruiter to be interviewed. They did a phone interview with those 13 and of those 2 of them made it to a formal interview...BOTH of them washed out. They didn't like EITHER ONE!!! So they talked to the recruiter and said they wanted to repost the position lowering the minimum requirements so that they can find someone who will fit the position better than any of the ones she sent them. She also told Jonathan that she wants me to resubmit my resume for the same position and try again. WHAT?!!! Yeah....Karma lady!!! Be nice to people and give people a chance...or at least be respectful of them and don't be so condescending!!! So I resubmitted my resume tonight as soon as the posting showed up again and we'll see how it goes. I would absolutely LOVE this job...it would be perfect!!! It would be a five dollar an hour raise for me and it's 8-5 Mon-Fri with benefits and it's an office setting with nice people and I'd get a desk and a chair (I'm partial to jobs with chairs since they took our chairs away from us at the bank and we are expected to stand for 40 hours a week)!!! I would be ECSTATIC to get that job...or even to get an interview for that job...but I am still happy that not one of those people that she claimed were SO qualified for that job didn't get it. I know that's sorta bad but it's just one of those things. Funny thing is I sorta had a feeling that something was going to happen like that...I thought either the person they hired would get fired or quit within a few weeks because they couldn't handle it or that they wouldn't be able to find someone. I just had that feeling.

I'm feeling incredibly lucky to have a second chance at this job, though. I feel like it's a sign or something. I really think that job would do me a LOT of good. It would be an incredibly experience to have on my resume and it would get me into the medical field which is something I've been wanting to do (especially lately since I discovered the dietetics program). I really hope that this time I get an interview but I'm trying not to get my hopes up again because it will be the same recruiter that I questioned and she may just have it out for me now since she probably feels I insulted her expertise. Hopefully she's better than that, though. I would really like a fair shot at this job!!! Wish me luck!!!

I Hate To Admit It...

But it's true...next Tuesday I'm going in for a Colonoscopy. :-( I'm SO not excited! About four or five years ago I had two emergency surgeries. The first was March 8 (I think) and it was an emergency surgery due to appendicitis...my appendix was about to burst. I was in the hospital for a few days for that one and then exactly ten days later (the 18th) I was chilling out at home still trying to recover from the appendectomy and mid afternoon it hit me... EXCRUCIATING pain in my abdomen AGAIN. I called my now ex-husband to call 911 because he was at work and there was something seriously wrong with me that couldn't wait for him to drive 25 minutes home to pick me up then take me. The ambulance showed up at my apartment and the EMT's came in to see me lying on the floor in a ball writhing. They rushed me to the hospital and I was in the ER for 8 1/2 hours while they ran test after test after test trying to figure out what was wrong with me. They couldn't give me anything much for the pain so that I could describe the pain to them better so they could try to narrow it down but it was the entire abdomen that was killing me so it was pretty pointless. All they could find was a MASSIVE amount of white blood cells working overtime, a pretty large cyst on my left ovary, and that there was food floating freely in my abdomen...NOT good! Finally they called in a surgeon and he, furious that they waited so long to call him, set up and exploratory surgery to find out what was wrong. They prepped me for surgery and then I was out. Two hours later the surgeon went to talk to my ex-husband about his findings. He went in through three small incisions and first he popped the cyst to make sure that wasn't the problem. It wasn't...just a ton of clear fluid. He cleaned out the location of where my appendix used to be of all the dead tissue (which my body would've taken care of eventually anyway). He cleaned out my entire abdomen of all food and digestive fluids that were floating around freely in there and found a hole in my intestine. Yeah...it's a serious condition called Peritonitis. I was pretty close to being on my death bed. He also said that my cecum looked pretty bad so they cut part of that out and fixed the hole in my intestine. I know what you are all thinking...obviously the previous surgeon poked a hole in my intestine in the first surgery...yes...I am a full believer that it is EXACTLY what happened to me. I was in the hospital this time for about two weeks then it took an additional bedrest recovery of about two more weeks. I was in bed for almost an entire month! NOT fun!

Anyway the point of that story is that I was pretty normal and healthy and it seems like that was the turning point for me. Ever since then I've been finding things wrong with my body a lot more. I won't tell you all the details about what I've been dealing with as far as my symptoms but it just seems that I've been getting sick a WHOLE LOT more since then. I haven't really had the funding or the time to pursue it really because of the divorce and my recent marriage (both of which are INCREDIBLY expensive...lol). I mentioned it to my doctor the other night and to my surprise she ordered a colonoscopy to make sure that everything is working properly. I'm beyond nervous for this procedure!!! I am just hoping that it's nothing serious and that if they do find anything it's not going to be a big deal. I'm trying to stay positive about it because it's a little scary when you read about the "complications" that can occur and one of the complications is exactly what happened to me a few years prior. I'm sure everything will be fine but there's just that small shadow of a doubt. I just hope it all goes well...it's not in my hands so I'm trusting the man upstairs to look out for me! :D

On a happier note...I am going for something that I'm super nervous but excited for. I don't want to say just yet what it is because I'm TERRIFIED of jinxing it! I am really putting myself out there and I'm playing the waiting game right now but I'm staying incredibly positive and hopeful about the whole situation. I'm hoping that it works out but even if it doesn't I'm just incredibly proud of myself for doing such a scary thing and really stepping out of my comfort zone!! I am one who has an incredibly hard time with change and it is one of those things that makes me incredibly uncomfortable. I am so glad that I'm pushing myself though. It's good for me to get out of my comfort zone every once in a while and do something risky! Hopefully it all works out, though, and I will be able to disclose it soon! :D Wish me luck!!!!

Honeymoon Tragedy and Bridals!!!

Ok so the honeymoon was fantastic...but it didn't last long. Unfortunately on Monday we came back early from our honeymoon because Sunday I was incredibly ill and by that evening I was throwing up. :( It was so sad. By morning I was just so ready to go home. I think it was just all the stress of the wedding and the heat and being away from home that all hit me at once and I was done for. I was fine until Sunday. Friday we checked into our beautiful hotel room; Saturday we wandered through Mandalay Bay (where we spent a small fortune on the most frivolous items ever: flip flops), the Luxor, Excalibur, and MGM Grand. We had lunch in the Luxor at the Pyramid Cafe and it was delicious!!! We ended up spending most of our money on room service...their menu was SPECTACULAR!!!! I'll have to download the video we took of our amazing room sometime. Unfortunately the fun didn't last. :( We came home and all week we've been moving my stuff into Jonathan's apartment and getting settled in. Today we got cable and internet installed so I am a happy camper!!! I can now check blogs and facebook on a regular basis and hopefully post more!!! YAY!!!! So tragedy on the honeymoon but it all ended up ok. :D Now we have more time to start out together and relax!!!

Other than the honeymoon tragedy we are excitedly awaiting the day where I receive my marriage license in the mail so I can go legally change my name and for our wedding pictures to arrive!!! Since I don't have my wedding pictures to post yet I figure I'll post some of my favorite shots from my bridals!!! ShaiLynn is a good friend I've known since jr. high and she is AMAZING!!! She did the engagements, bridals, and wedding and I can't wait to see how the wedding pictures turned out! Here's a few of my favorite bridals!!!

My Plan For Healing

Sorry it's been so long since I've even looked at blogger! I've been super busy with work and what not. Things are going well here! I'm not sure if I have really updated you guys in a while. I am still working at the bank full time trying to get out of debt from the divorce and I'm finally starting to see some progress even though it's small progress, it's progress! I'm now dating a guy I met online a few years back named Jonathan and he treats me better than I've ever been treated even though we both have our issues! He's a chef from Michigan and he works at LDS Hospital as the head chef....he mostly does the room service side of it but he helps with the cafeteria and does caterings and things like that. He loves it and that's what matters! We started casually dating when he moved to Utah in June last year and so far it's been awesome! We've had some really rocky roads and some pretty incredible fights but we always work through them somehow. He's adorable and he treats me really well...even though I have a lot of crap to deal with! Haha! I'm lucky to have him in my life and I'm thankful for him every day.

The past few months I've just been working on a plan to get myself well from my past not only financially but emotionally, physically, mentally, etc. I think I've grown a lot in the past two years since the divorce and it's definitely made me stronger. Even though I still have weak times I seem to get through them a little bit faster every time. Jonathan is trying to get me to go to the gym with him because he thinks it'd be incredibly beneficial to my healing process...I agree completely with the theory but OH MY GOSH IS IT HARD?!! I have always hated exercising...I'll admit it!! I am super lazy and I like being super lazy!!! Haha!! I know it's best for me so we've decided to go just once a week. We started three weeks ago...I have been to the gym once in the three weeks we've been going!!! LOL!!!! Ooops!!! Guess I'll need a little more motivation to conquer this venture of mine!!!

So my plan for improving myself is as follows:

Financially-Put every extra penny I can towards my debts and don't purchase anything I don't have the money for right here right now! If it's not already in my bank account...it's not going on my cards!

Physically-Stick to my goal of going to the gym once a week and slowly progressing to go more often throughout the week. This is exceptionally hard for me given my work really exhausts me and scheduling isn't easy when you're tired already. I have to remember that even though I'm tired now...I'll be much more energetic later if I just stick with it!

Emotionally-Take time out for myself every once in a while to just focus on my own emotional well being. I have to give myself credit for things I do right and stop beating myself up til I can't take anymore when I mess up....I need to allow myself some room to make mistakes and forgive myself when I do have a lapse.

Mentally-Take a break from everything sometimes. Sometimes I just need to relax and not do a thing that will constantly fill up my brain with junk to keep myself from breaking down. Maybe then the breakdowns won't be as climatic and they'll even out more so I won't feel like I'm starting at square one every time. I need to quiet my brain for a while every so often.

Another thing I'd like to work on is my friendships and relationships with my family. Having a good support system and being able to share each one's experiences and triumphs and joys is something I've always wanted to be able to do. I feel it's incredibly important to make the ones you love feel important by being there for them and reaching out to them. If you're reaching out to your loved ones it closes the gap so that they can reach back comfortably.

I'm hoping that my plan works and really helps me to grow as a person. I know I'm not perfect and probably never will be but I need to get myself to a place where I can feel comfortable with who I am. I hope that this will help me be a better person and better friend, daughter, and sister. I love you all and appreciate you all with all my heart even if I show it poorly if at all. Thanks for listening to my rattlings! It really does mean a lot to me.

Help!

So I have been working my butt off trying to get my debt controllable (since it's not realistic that I could just wipe it out completely the least I could do is make it more controlled) and trying to pay the bills and keep myself eating better while taking care of chores at home...I feel literally exhausted every day. I would love to have the energy on my time off to be with friends and have energy to go out and do fun things with my boyfriend, Jonathan, and be able to feel energized at work so I'm not dragging all day long. I have noticed that when I am making leaps and bounds in my money situation I seem to feel a lot better physically and mentally but if I'm just making baby steps I feel like collapsing at any second.
Recently I just paid off a huge amount of debt and made some huge leaps but I am worried that when it goes back to the baby steps (and it will soon) that I'm going to fall back into the weak, collapsible Kerry that always seems to appear when I'm making very little progress. I feel that I should be able to keep the energy level high all the time like I used to even if I'm making very little progress. It shouldn't matter what my financial status is...I need to just find the energy to do the things I used to love.
I do realize that depression and anxiety are huge factors in why I have no energy but I feel that if I could just find things that will help boost my energy the depression/anxiety will very likely minimize itself as a result. I want to try to do more things on nights I have to work (which is the hardest time for me to do things) that will help me let go of stress and help me to relax enough that I am comfortable doing other activities I used to love. I was thinking about trying to get back in the habit of doing yoga on a regular basis and maybe trying to implement an easy exercise routine or maybe eating more energy boosting foods (which I have no idea what they'd be but I know they're out there) and other things like that. This is where I need the help. Does anyone know any simple ways to boost energy? What do you do that helps you get the energy you need to get things you need and want done? I need ideas because I get so tired of feeling tired and worn out all the time...I'd love to have my old quality of life back but I know I'm going to have to work for it. Any ideas and suggestions? I'd be greatly appreciative!