Undecided Emotions

Some days I decide to be blissfully happy.  Some days I decide to be deeply depressed.  Some days I can't decide what to be.  Some days I know exactly what to be.  Some days I want to feel loved.  Some days I want to feel numb.  Some days I feel life is easy.  Some days I feel life is hard.  Some days I can't decide what I feel.  I wish I could force all these emotions away.  I wish I could just wake up one day and be perfectly content.  I don't know how it's possible to feel so many different feelings all at once.  Like a prism...all the colors of the rainbow hitting me at once.  Happy bright colors mixed with sad, dark colors engulfing me at the same time.  Suffocating me.  I realize I don't get the option to decide what I want to be.  It is decided for me by unnamed forces.  A tug-of-war of emotions each one pulling me desperately in their direction. Trying to win me over so they can suck up all of my energy and leave me breathless with no clue how I got there.  Exhausted from the battle within my head, my heart, my soul, my body.  I put up a strong front to fool everyone else.  Trying to prove I am strong to everyone including myself.  Am I just fooling myself?  Do others see my frailty?  I fear that they do.  Deep down I know they do.  Deep down I know that everyone sees it.  They see every character flaw.  They see every poor decision I've made.  They see it all.  Why do I care?  I know I shouldn't.  Everybody has a dark side.  Everybody has flaws.  Why do I feel like I need to hide mine all the time?  I know I've made mistakes...billions of big mistakes mixed with trillions of little mistakes that seem to snowball together making every new mistake bigger and bigger.  It seems like with every new mistake I burn out a flame that once burned...leaving a vast distance of ash and ruin between the people and things I love and me.  With every little mistake I make the distance grows.  Pushing me away from what I love most.  Pushing me from the people I love most.  Leaving me isolated.  Feeling sad, lonely, angry, lost, exhausted.  The light inside of me is completely burned out and every time I try to relight it the isolation and sadness becomes stronger.  Pushing harder.  I should just be happy to be alive.  I almost lost my life years ago and I should just be grateful for my body, for my soul, for my breath.  Some days I am incredibly grateful.  Some days I feel more blessed than I deserve to be.  Some days I feel like such an incredibly lucky being.  Just when I think I have my emotions in check the light changes and hits the prism and I get disoriented all over again, overwhelmed with all the colors of the rainbow, and the tug-of -war begins again.  So I grin and bear it while my soul gets stretched out in a million different directions while people don't see the reasoning behind my inner battle and thinking I'm just being dramatic over nothing.  The problem is they don't see it.  They don't see the chemicals in my brain playing their vicious games every day.  I did this to myself by putting on that strong front and wearing a smile all the time while incapable of explaining the war raging on in my head leaving scars on my body and face destroying my inner beauty.  To them it's simple.  Just relax.  Don't worry...be happy.  If only it was as simple as that.  I wish it was.  So I continue to let the battles rage on like wildfire burning and spreading deeper and deeper within me all the while keeping up appearances of a woman who is put together and strong and happy.  And here I sit with undecided emotions running through me.  Let the fire rage on inside from the battles past and present...one day I will find peace.  One day there will be no more undecided emotions.  One day I will decide and I will be beautiful again.