Undecided Emotions

Some days I decide to be blissfully happy.  Some days I decide to be deeply depressed.  Some days I can't decide what to be.  Some days I know exactly what to be.  Some days I want to feel loved.  Some days I want to feel numb.  Some days I feel life is easy.  Some days I feel life is hard.  Some days I can't decide what I feel.  I wish I could force all these emotions away.  I wish I could just wake up one day and be perfectly content.  I don't know how it's possible to feel so many different feelings all at once.  Like a prism...all the colors of the rainbow hitting me at once.  Happy bright colors mixed with sad, dark colors engulfing me at the same time.  Suffocating me.  I realize I don't get the option to decide what I want to be.  It is decided for me by unnamed forces.  A tug-of-war of emotions each one pulling me desperately in their direction. Trying to win me over so they can suck up all of my energy and leave me breathless with no clue how I got there.  Exhausted from the battle within my head, my heart, my soul, my body.  I put up a strong front to fool everyone else.  Trying to prove I am strong to everyone including myself.  Am I just fooling myself?  Do others see my frailty?  I fear that they do.  Deep down I know they do.  Deep down I know that everyone sees it.  They see every character flaw.  They see every poor decision I've made.  They see it all.  Why do I care?  I know I shouldn't.  Everybody has a dark side.  Everybody has flaws.  Why do I feel like I need to hide mine all the time?  I know I've made mistakes...billions of big mistakes mixed with trillions of little mistakes that seem to snowball together making every new mistake bigger and bigger.  It seems like with every new mistake I burn out a flame that once burned...leaving a vast distance of ash and ruin between the people and things I love and me.  With every little mistake I make the distance grows.  Pushing me away from what I love most.  Pushing me from the people I love most.  Leaving me isolated.  Feeling sad, lonely, angry, lost, exhausted.  The light inside of me is completely burned out and every time I try to relight it the isolation and sadness becomes stronger.  Pushing harder.  I should just be happy to be alive.  I almost lost my life years ago and I should just be grateful for my body, for my soul, for my breath.  Some days I am incredibly grateful.  Some days I feel more blessed than I deserve to be.  Some days I feel like such an incredibly lucky being.  Just when I think I have my emotions in check the light changes and hits the prism and I get disoriented all over again, overwhelmed with all the colors of the rainbow, and the tug-of -war begins again.  So I grin and bear it while my soul gets stretched out in a million different directions while people don't see the reasoning behind my inner battle and thinking I'm just being dramatic over nothing.  The problem is they don't see it.  They don't see the chemicals in my brain playing their vicious games every day.  I did this to myself by putting on that strong front and wearing a smile all the time while incapable of explaining the war raging on in my head leaving scars on my body and face destroying my inner beauty.  To them it's simple.  Just relax.  Don't worry...be happy.  If only it was as simple as that.  I wish it was.  So I continue to let the battles rage on like wildfire burning and spreading deeper and deeper within me all the while keeping up appearances of a woman who is put together and strong and happy.  And here I sit with undecided emotions running through me.  Let the fire rage on inside from the battles past and present...one day I will find peace.  One day there will be no more undecided emotions.  One day I will decide and I will be beautiful again.

Life

I've been thinking a lot lately...I'm trying to figure out if I'm just having a mini midlife crisis or if I'm just going through a period of self-reevaluation or something...but I am having huge anxiety about it.  I've been thinking a lot about my life and who I am and who I was and who I want to be.  I've been trying on different personas since I got divorced and I think now that I'm officially 30 years old I am getting anxious to find the right fit.

When I was younger, I knew exactly what I wanted, exactly who I was, and exactly what I wanted to do in life.  Most people who have gone through a divorce will probably agree that it is the most earth-shattering and life-changing experience they have ever gone through.  It shook up my entire being.  I lost all touch of who I was before and turned into this big sloppy mess of trying to be something but not knowing what.

Sometimes I miss who I used to be...so resolved in what I believed and my personality...but knowing what I know now...I don't like some of the things I used to be.  I miss having that knowledge of where I belong, who I am, and what I stand for but I now wish I could feel all those things but with a better judgement or understanding of life and a lot more tact than I used to have.

Ever since the experience of losing the one person whom I thought I couldn't live without I have been on a constant quest to figure out who I am and get me to a better place in life.  I've learned so much.  I learned that I can live without him.  I can love someone else.  I am stronger than I thought.  Life is uncertain.  Life is something to be cherished.  Love the ones you are with in the best way you can.  Don't let fear rule your life. Think long and hard about decisions before you make them.  Don't expect anyone to read your mind...if you need or want something in your life then you need to say it without hesitation.  When things go bad they can always get better.  Don't vow to yourself that you will never make mistakes again....you will.  It's OK to make mistakes...as long as you make them right in the end.  Treat everyone with love and respect.  Don't forget to have a good time every once in a while.  Love the body you have...it's the only one you get.  Treat yourself fairly...don't take on the entire world but take on some of it.  There is hope.

Today I did something brave.  I started a text conversation with my ex-husband to say some of the things that I felt were left unsaid.  Don't worry...it wasn't a blame-fest.  I am not 100% sure why I did it but I think it was to get resolution.  I said some things I felt I needed to get off my chest and I think he did, too.  I think that even though I'm swimming in treacherous waters...going to a place that most people wouldn't just to find some answers/closure...it's been good for me.  Granted, I've been bawling all afternoon because it's so scary talking to someone from your past and wondering if they have hateful things to say to you or if they have good input for you, you're bringing up emotions from the past, and you are unsure of what you're going to find out about yourself...I feel it was necessary to have this conversation in order to find myself again.  Oddly, I do feel a bit more calm than I have in a long time.  I'm still freaking out but I feel like one piece of me is getting quiet among all of the chaos going on inside me right now.

I talked to Jonathan about my conversation with my ex and he completely understood and is behind me 100% on my decision to text my ex.  He is such a great husband for me because he actually understands me and he stands by me through all of the ups and downs.  He has been a great companion and friend and I will always be grateful for him.  He has been so patient with me through all of this soul-searching of mine.  I really appreciate him and his ability to love me even with my quirks and meltdowns.  I am so lucky.

So here I am...trying to sort out my life piece by piece.  I figure I will start with facing my past to clear out my present and make room for the future.  The journey will be long, I am sure, but I believe it will be well worth it so I can move on and live life to the fullest.  Let the journey continue.

Counting My Blessings

Today I've been trying to count my blessings.

1 I am so lucky to have such an amazing husband
2 A nice apartment to live in
3 Decent cars that get us from point A to B and back to A again
4 My amazing family who takes good care of us and who we take good care of as well
5 My amazing in-laws who we love and miss so much
6 Our jobs and the great coworkers/friends we get to share our lives with
7 Modern medicine to heal all of our health issues
8 All other modern technologies to help us keep connected to our friends and family near and far
9 And for all of our opportunities

Even through our hard times it seems that we are making so much progress.  There is one thing in particular that we are working on right now that only a few people know about but we are so excited!!  Hopefully we'll get to share some good news soon but for now we don't want to jinx it.  We are just so very lucky and even though my depression/anxiety and Jonathan's bipolar gets the better of us some days...we try to remember just every blessing we have in our lives right now.  Hopefully the blood clot in my leg will heal soon so we can start exercising and getting a 5k in the plans for this summer!!  Wish us luck!!

God Is Real

The reason I know this is because everything happens for a reason. It was not a coincidence that Jonathan lost his job the day that he did. The very next morning my mom was rushed to the emergency room and needed constant supervision for the few weeks following til surgery and he was available to help take care of her. The day she was admitted into the rehab center after surgery was the day he got a job offer. Again...no coincidence. We have been incredibly blessed this month amidst the rough time we've been going through. My mom is doing great and should be released on Friday to go home for home health care and Jonathan started his job as an academic advisor at the Utah College Of Massage Therapy on Monday. Everything has fallen into place beautifully and we are thankful for the many blessings that God has given to us in these tough stages of life! I believe in God.

We're Getting There

I am so excited!! I got the interview at the Utah State Tax Commission!! It was on Wednesday morning. It went pretty well...I think. The only thing is they told me what the starting pay was and it's .3o less an hour. Kinda a bummer seeing as money seems to be the bane of my existence lately. I hate money. It seems to control so much. NOT ANYMORE!!! I refuse to let myself become a slave to money. I hate money and I am going to learn how to make it work for me instead of working for it. Hence the reason we're starting the Dave Ramsey's Total Money Makeover again. I know that I have posted about it before. We actually were halfway to our goal of Baby Step 1 which is to save $1000 for an emergency savings. We had $500 of our $1000 and then....we got engaged. We spent all of our emergency savings...and then some...on the wedding. WELL worth it but still sad that we are here again...back where we started. But this time we are seriously making a huge commitment to stick to the plan. We are determined to be successful with this. Anyway...next paycheck it all starts!!

As for the job crisis...I'm not exactly sure what I'm going to do. I mean...I REALLY want a job with a better work environment. Banking was never my final job goal. I actually have gone through MANY different job goals in my life. I even studied Barbering/Cosmetology in college. I quit in the 3rd semester even though I only had one semester left til I was 100% completely finished...it just was not for me. I haven't made it back to school yet but I fully intend to someday. Right now the vision is dietetics. I would love to be a clinical dietitian...at the moment...we'll have to see how that pans out. But as for now I'm stuck in banking losing my energy and drive for that job. It's a pretty rough environment to be in...especially these days with how the economy is...nobody has any money and EVERYBODY is on edge. On top of that...I'm REALLY not enjoying the branch I'm at. So I started applying for jobs. Mostly clerical/secretarial jobs. I think I've sent my application in to about a million places and I have had no success. Here's the thing...I am GREAT at interviews. Every job I've ever had an interview for...I've received a job offer. The problem is I have a limited resume. I am great at interviewing but getting the interview is a whole process in itself. I actually had given up on the tax commission job...just like the many other jobs I didn't hear back from. So I had written to one of my previous managers at another branch from earlier in my career before the divorce to see about possibly transferring and forcing a raise upon myself. The reason being I'm sick of my job...even though I'm great at it...and I'm sick of the dismal pay. So I figure if I can't get a job with a better environment I should start trying to pursue getting a raise to even out the bad environment. Basically I've been feeling like I've been working too hard for too little for far too long!

So...the day after I did that, doubting that I'll have a shot at a new job, I got the call to take the data entry test! Talk about bringing hope back into the picture!!! So I went and took the test...still awaiting to hear about the possibility of transfer but basically thinking there's a good chance that won't happen, either. So you may have read earlier that I did pass the test and get the chance to interview for that job. I went into the interview with an idea that the pay would be equal to or more than my current pay. I was wrong. VERY wrong. It's $50 less a month. So immediately I'm disappointed but then after speaking to some friends and family...I began to contemplate whether the move would be plausible...or worth it. I hadn't heard from my old manager in a few weeks so I kinda had a feeling that wasn't going to happen. Then...I randomly sent a text to one of my other friends who works at that branch and SHE brought up the transfer. She told me that all I have to do is request it from my manager and basically it's a done deal. So now I'm in a dilemma. Do I transfer to get out of the branch I'm miserable in to go to a branch that may be a tiny bit better...and I don't even know if I'll get the raise...or do I take the job with a better environment, better schedule, and better dress code but less pay? I've been talking to my family and friends about it. I have been trying to make the best decision for me and my husband. We could be ok with $50 less a month...it will be a little more difficult...but honestly...with everything that's going on with us...Jonathan's illness, my health, our debt, etc...it's really hard to decide. I have been weighing the options...pros and cons...as for now I am leaning towards the paycut for a better environment but we'll have to see. I haven't even been offered the job and I probably won't even hear about it for a week or so but I'm really hoping I get the offer so I have options. I'm nervous. I really hope I get the offer so that maybe I can make a better decision. I will have to keep you updated on it.

Honestly even though I feel as if my life is incredibly unsettled...I still feel that we're getting there. That pretty much sums it up...I feel as if we are getting there. That's what all of this fight is all about...finding our life together and settling into stability...and we're getting there. I finally feel like something good is coming for us. I feel that just around the corner is something good for us. We're getting there. I am so grateful for all the wonderful opportunities that have been presented to us. We are so lucky. We have worked hard for our life together and we still will. At least I'm finally feeling like we're getting there! I am so lucky and I am so excited to have this journey in my life. I can tell already that I am getting stronger and smarter from all of these experiences. Thank heaven for little victories!

Starting Over

Ok...I know I had some posts on here before but honestly I just haven't kept up with this so I deleted all of them and I'm starting over. Where to begin...let's see...we'll start with the divorce. I got divorced almost a year ago and some really bad things came of it and some really good things came of it. Of the good things I got from the divorce the best was that it was a huge learning experience. I learned to speak up for what you want because you're not going to get it hoping someone else will guess what it is you need. I learned how to budget money and stop spending freely without thinking of the consequences it will bring later. I learned that hard work and determination does pay off eventually...maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, maybe not next week...but eventually it does pay off. I learned that there is more than one soul mate out there for me and that different choices lead you to those different soul mates. I learned that I won't be sad forever...it will pass. I learned that it's ok to be spontaneous sometimes but to keep structure to keep yourself in the right direction. I learned that people really do come and go and you can't change that but just enjoy the company while you have it. I also learned that starting over, though difficult, is the most important thing you can do...as long as you start over and don't dwell on the past for too long.

So I'm starting over. I'm turning the page of my past and starting a new chapter for my future. Today I'm deciding to really just let go of all the sadness and let go of all the frustration and loneliness and actually try to have a real life. A life without so much sorrow and pain. I'm dedicating my blog to helping me be a more positive person and to helping me deal with my current issues so I can move on without holding onto too much garbage. I don't know if anyone is going to read this but it's really important to me that if you are reading this you acknowledge it and let me know somehow that I'm not alone. It's really important to me to have moral support throughout these struggles that I'm dealing with. I hope that I can overcome the obstacles that are in my life and I'm hoping that this blog will be my journal through it all so I can see how far I've come. If you are choosing to read this...thank you for grabbing my hand when I needed someone to take mine.