Life

I've been thinking a lot lately...I'm trying to figure out if I'm just having a mini midlife crisis or if I'm just going through a period of self-reevaluation or something...but I am having huge anxiety about it.  I've been thinking a lot about my life and who I am and who I was and who I want to be.  I've been trying on different personas since I got divorced and I think now that I'm officially 30 years old I am getting anxious to find the right fit.

When I was younger, I knew exactly what I wanted, exactly who I was, and exactly what I wanted to do in life.  Most people who have gone through a divorce will probably agree that it is the most earth-shattering and life-changing experience they have ever gone through.  It shook up my entire being.  I lost all touch of who I was before and turned into this big sloppy mess of trying to be something but not knowing what.

Sometimes I miss who I used to be...so resolved in what I believed and my personality...but knowing what I know now...I don't like some of the things I used to be.  I miss having that knowledge of where I belong, who I am, and what I stand for but I now wish I could feel all those things but with a better judgement or understanding of life and a lot more tact than I used to have.

Ever since the experience of losing the one person whom I thought I couldn't live without I have been on a constant quest to figure out who I am and get me to a better place in life.  I've learned so much.  I learned that I can live without him.  I can love someone else.  I am stronger than I thought.  Life is uncertain.  Life is something to be cherished.  Love the ones you are with in the best way you can.  Don't let fear rule your life. Think long and hard about decisions before you make them.  Don't expect anyone to read your mind...if you need or want something in your life then you need to say it without hesitation.  When things go bad they can always get better.  Don't vow to yourself that you will never make mistakes again....you will.  It's OK to make mistakes...as long as you make them right in the end.  Treat everyone with love and respect.  Don't forget to have a good time every once in a while.  Love the body you have...it's the only one you get.  Treat yourself fairly...don't take on the entire world but take on some of it.  There is hope.

Today I did something brave.  I started a text conversation with my ex-husband to say some of the things that I felt were left unsaid.  Don't worry...it wasn't a blame-fest.  I am not 100% sure why I did it but I think it was to get resolution.  I said some things I felt I needed to get off my chest and I think he did, too.  I think that even though I'm swimming in treacherous waters...going to a place that most people wouldn't just to find some answers/closure...it's been good for me.  Granted, I've been bawling all afternoon because it's so scary talking to someone from your past and wondering if they have hateful things to say to you or if they have good input for you, you're bringing up emotions from the past, and you are unsure of what you're going to find out about yourself...I feel it was necessary to have this conversation in order to find myself again.  Oddly, I do feel a bit more calm than I have in a long time.  I'm still freaking out but I feel like one piece of me is getting quiet among all of the chaos going on inside me right now.

I talked to Jonathan about my conversation with my ex and he completely understood and is behind me 100% on my decision to text my ex.  He is such a great husband for me because he actually understands me and he stands by me through all of the ups and downs.  He has been a great companion and friend and I will always be grateful for him.  He has been so patient with me through all of this soul-searching of mine.  I really appreciate him and his ability to love me even with my quirks and meltdowns.  I am so lucky.

So here I am...trying to sort out my life piece by piece.  I figure I will start with facing my past to clear out my present and make room for the future.  The journey will be long, I am sure, but I believe it will be well worth it so I can move on and live life to the fullest.  Let the journey continue.