Depression Is...

Depression is ugly. It's not like the commercials that make it look simple. Just take a small pill every day and it's all better. It's not. Depression is pain. It's mental pain. Physical pain. Emotinal pain. You take that little pill and it makes you numb to the pain...most of the time...but it also makes you feel numb to everything else. And when the medication isn't enough you are left to fight on your own. You lay in bed all day just trying to get up enough energy to get up and get in the shower. Then when you've exhausted all your energy just showering you just want to lay down in bed again. You don't even bother getting dressed. You just lay there exhausted. Worn out. You just want to sleep even though you've slept plenty and you can't sleep anymore. You know you have a million things to do because you've felt like this for days and have been putting off all of your tasks because you just physically can't do it. You wish you could just snap out of it. You loathe yourself because you feel like you're just being lazy. But it's not just being lazy. It's physical inability to move no matter what the motivation. You want to get up. You want to get out of the bed...out of the house...out of the area. You want to go make healthy choices. You. Just. Can't. You feel guilty for being unable to do anything which just adds to your pain. Depression is feeling ugly. Depression is feeling worthless. Depression is feeling tired all the time. Depression is feeling guilty. Depression is feeling like you're suffocating...smothered. Depression is feeling heavy...like a metal weight dropped on your body. Depression is sadness. Depression is having no control over your emotions. Depression is feeling sad for no reason at all. Depression is crying for no reason. Depression is knowing that life is good and hating it anyway.

So when you hear that someone was clinically diagnosed with clinical depression: Don't judge. Don't try to fix it. Don't push them. Don't give up on them. Just be there for them.  Show them you care. Hug them. Call/text/email them. Be gentle. Be loving. Be supportive. Don't force them to talk about it because 99% of the time there's nothing to talk about. They need your love. They need your understanding. They need your love. They need your support. They need your physical presence...even if it's to sit in silence watching a movie. They need you. They need help. I need help.

Life

I've been thinking a lot lately...I'm trying to figure out if I'm just having a mini midlife crisis or if I'm just going through a period of self-reevaluation or something...but I am having huge anxiety about it.  I've been thinking a lot about my life and who I am and who I was and who I want to be.  I've been trying on different personas since I got divorced and I think now that I'm officially 30 years old I am getting anxious to find the right fit.

When I was younger, I knew exactly what I wanted, exactly who I was, and exactly what I wanted to do in life.  Most people who have gone through a divorce will probably agree that it is the most earth-shattering and life-changing experience they have ever gone through.  It shook up my entire being.  I lost all touch of who I was before and turned into this big sloppy mess of trying to be something but not knowing what.

Sometimes I miss who I used to be...so resolved in what I believed and my personality...but knowing what I know now...I don't like some of the things I used to be.  I miss having that knowledge of where I belong, who I am, and what I stand for but I now wish I could feel all those things but with a better judgement or understanding of life and a lot more tact than I used to have.

Ever since the experience of losing the one person whom I thought I couldn't live without I have been on a constant quest to figure out who I am and get me to a better place in life.  I've learned so much.  I learned that I can live without him.  I can love someone else.  I am stronger than I thought.  Life is uncertain.  Life is something to be cherished.  Love the ones you are with in the best way you can.  Don't let fear rule your life. Think long and hard about decisions before you make them.  Don't expect anyone to read your mind...if you need or want something in your life then you need to say it without hesitation.  When things go bad they can always get better.  Don't vow to yourself that you will never make mistakes again....you will.  It's OK to make mistakes...as long as you make them right in the end.  Treat everyone with love and respect.  Don't forget to have a good time every once in a while.  Love the body you have...it's the only one you get.  Treat yourself fairly...don't take on the entire world but take on some of it.  There is hope.

Today I did something brave.  I started a text conversation with my ex-husband to say some of the things that I felt were left unsaid.  Don't worry...it wasn't a blame-fest.  I am not 100% sure why I did it but I think it was to get resolution.  I said some things I felt I needed to get off my chest and I think he did, too.  I think that even though I'm swimming in treacherous waters...going to a place that most people wouldn't just to find some answers/closure...it's been good for me.  Granted, I've been bawling all afternoon because it's so scary talking to someone from your past and wondering if they have hateful things to say to you or if they have good input for you, you're bringing up emotions from the past, and you are unsure of what you're going to find out about yourself...I feel it was necessary to have this conversation in order to find myself again.  Oddly, I do feel a bit more calm than I have in a long time.  I'm still freaking out but I feel like one piece of me is getting quiet among all of the chaos going on inside me right now.

I talked to Jonathan about my conversation with my ex and he completely understood and is behind me 100% on my decision to text my ex.  He is such a great husband for me because he actually understands me and he stands by me through all of the ups and downs.  He has been a great companion and friend and I will always be grateful for him.  He has been so patient with me through all of this soul-searching of mine.  I really appreciate him and his ability to love me even with my quirks and meltdowns.  I am so lucky.

So here I am...trying to sort out my life piece by piece.  I figure I will start with facing my past to clear out my present and make room for the future.  The journey will be long, I am sure, but I believe it will be well worth it so I can move on and live life to the fullest.  Let the journey continue.

AT LAST!!!

Finally things are starting to fall into place!! We were able to pay off one of our debts in February and this month we'll be able to finish paying off another one!!! I am starting to feel the progress and it is like a breath of fresh air!!

We found our next apartment and we can't wait to move into it!!! We just hope there's one available when our lease is up in July or August! I LOVE the new place...it's in a great location, it's a newer complex, it's laid out a lot better, it's bigger, and it's beautiful...they paint an accent wall for you the color you want (you have three colors for you to choose from)!!! I LOVE the apartments that do accent walls...it makes it feel more like home! I detest white walls!! I'd prefer tan over white!!

Jonathan and I have started a daily, monthly, and yearly checklist of things we feel are important to get done on a regular basis that include cleaning, hygiene, quality time activities, etc. This all started because I felt that all we were doing was work and bills and that was it. I felt that we would work so hard and struggle so much that we were forgetting the little things we can do to keep ourselves healthier, our apartment cleaner, and still have room to enjoy each other's company. We have completely exhausted ourselves between work, housework, dealing with Jonathan's bipolar and my depression/anxiety, bills, etc. We haven't been able to get everything accomplished that we've needed to and still have the energy to have a little fun. So my fix was to start a checklist and break down all of our responsibilities and activities and spread them out throughout the week, month, and year! So far it has worked beautifully!! Yeah, sure, we miss things here and there but the important thing is that we continue to do it. It's like a goal for us that we can work on together consistently and it really has been bringing us closer together. I know that to some of you this sounds like too much work but honestly...it's cut our workload in half because we have a planned out schedule so we don't overdo it on some days and under-do it on the rest of the days. It's balancing out our lives rather nicely and I'm super proud of this project!

Jonathan received the Aaronic Priesthood on Sunday and I am so happy for him! He is progressing so quickly through this huge lifestyle change and he's really enjoying the path that it has put him on! I'm so proud of him!!

I'm so happy that 2012 is shaping up to be a great year for us! We are super excited to get to a place in our lives where we can grow together, maybe go to the temple together someday, buy a home together someday, and start a family together someday! We are really trying this year to make a huge leap in our progress towards our goals and so far it's looking good for us! We just want to keep the momentum going and hopefully achieve what we're hoping to achieve!

Update!

Sorry...it's been pretty crazy around here for us. I just wanted to write a quick update. I'm still working hard at the bank and we recently had our audit which we passed (THANK GOODNESS!!!). Jonathan is still loving his job as head chef at the hospital.

We're still working on getting Jonathan's bipolar disorder under control. We've been working on getting into a routine because I've been reading some awesome books that are helping us out with the disorder and handling it. THIS BOOK has been my favorite so far! I'm currently reading THIS BOOK to learn more about different types of ways to manage the disease. I'm liking it so far but I'm not that far into it. (To keep up on what I'm reading currently click HERE) We've had a few rough patches on our journey to stability but I honestly feel like we've been making some progress which is GREAT!! Any progress is good progress! We are still working on getting into the therapist regularly but hopefully when that happens it'll make things a little easier on us. I'm thinking of joining a support group that meets about once a month to get my own support through it but we'll see. We also are trying to make his sleep schedule regularized and we're working on getting our diet and exercise figured out to be healthier. The healthier we are, the easier managing bipolar is. We'll keep you updated on our progress.

We are also currently dealing with my health issues, still, and it's a little slow going but we're trying to get it under control. My stomach issues are now determined by the doctors as unknown. They say that I do not have Celiac (gluten intolerant) so that's good news ( I LOVE gluten products)! I had my wonderful yearly exam a few weeks back and usually I get no calls back...just a postcard saying it came back normal. This time, however, I got a call from my doctor saying that they found some abnormalities that are pre-cancer cells in my cervix. They referred me to a specialist to do a colposcopy to look into it further. I took the news pretty hard because I feel like everything is hitting me all at once lately with work, money, dr's, and cars. It's just a test...that's all I have to think of it as. I got the test done on Thursday the 25th. They took two biopsies and sent them to the pathology lab so we're still waiting on the results. We are optimistic about it. We think it's nothing major so hopefully we are right. :D I'll let you know how those results are when we get them back.

When I got in my car the other day to go to my colposcopy...yeah...my car wouldn't start. So Jonathan had to rush out of work to come and get me and take me to the appointment himself. It wasn't such fun because they suggested I take 400-600 mg of Ibuprofen before the appointment to help relieve the pain that will be caused by the test. I didn't have any Ibuprofen so I was planning to leave way early so I could stop at the store and take some beforehand but when my car wouldn't start...that plan went out the window. I had to do it without any medication so it was kinda painful but I survived. We still don't know what's going on with my car. Jonathan got it to start but there is definitely a problem that needs to be fixed. PLUS his car's windshield was attacked by a rock on the freeway and it took a good chunk of glass out of it causing a spider-like chip in the windshield. There is now a crack spreading from there on both sides of the chip and it will soon be the entire length of the windshield. On top of that every time Jonathan's car turns it makes a knocking noise...NOT GOOD! Guess we'll be spending a lot of time at the mechanic shops over the next few months. Hopefully these car problems aren't too serious.

I applied for a job a few weeks back at the Utah State Tax Commission doing data entry and I got a call back for that last week. I'm going in on Tuesday for a data entry typing test so we'll see how that goes. I'm hoping for an interview because that job would be AWESOME for me. I would work four 10's and be off by 4:30 every night. Every weekend would be a 3-day weekend!! Plus I'd get paid more and could wear my regular street clothes...no dress code to follow. I'd be able to just plug in my iPod and work away...no customers to worry about, no standing all day, no lifting heavy boxes of coin, etc. I'm sure it'll be an incredibly boring job but I really wouldn't mind that! I'm excited to see how this goes for me. I honestly think it would be a great thing for us.

Now you know what we've been up to lately...it's been crazy but honestly we are feeling pretty positive about everything in the midst of all of this chaos so that's a really good thing! We are definitely tired and feeling pretty worn but to be feeling positive about everything that is happening is truly a relief. We're just trying to take it day by day and so far it's working pretty well for us. I promise I will try to keep up on this better...it's just been hard because it's like we have SO much going on I don't even know where to start blogging. Hopefully the next few weeks will bring some relief to our situations in life. As soon as the car situation and the doctor visits start slowing we are bound and determined to restart the Dave Ramsey's Total Money Makeover plan again. Gaining control over our finances will help our stress levels so much and we've been anxious to get started on that again. I'll probably be posting more about that progress as well. Thanks for reading my blog....I really appreciate you for caring enough to check in on us!

Colonoscopy Results & First Day Of Therapy

The results are in for my colonoscopy...everything looks healthy...so far. They want to do some more blood work (how much more blood are doctors going to take from me?!!) to see if I have Celiac...an intolerance to Gluten products. I got the paperwork the other day to take to the lab and I'm going to try to get in on Saturday morning so they can draw even more blood from me to run tests. Since the colonoscopy came out normal, both on the regular colonoscopy and the biopsies, they think that the reason I'm sick all the time is because I may have this gluten intolerance which means that anything with wheat, barley, or rye will be off my menu permanently. SAD!!!! You can read more about Celiac Disease HERE. I am getting really nervous about why I'm sick all the time. I just hope it's nothing too serious. Between Jonathan's Bipolar and my poor health...we are at the doctor's office A LOT! The thing that's frustrating is that I used to be so healthy all the time. I NEVER got sick. I rarely felt under the weather and I never had to go to the dr more than my yearly woman appointments. No it seems like I'm in the doctor's office once a week or so. Oh well...hopefully they'll find out what's wrong with my body soon so I don't have to keep going all the time.

Jonathan's first day of therapy was on Monday afternoon. I was so upset because I was stuck at work and couldn't get out of it and it's really important that I go with him to therapy. I know that most people disagree with spouses going to therapy together unless it's couples therapy but with bipolar it's different. Most of the time bipolars don't pay attention or don't remember everything that is told to them and they can only remember bits and pieces of conversations. Sometimes they flat out don't comply so it's VERY important that someone who lives with them or is close to them goes with them regularly to make sure they are complying. On top of that bipolar is a very outward disease so a lot of times they don't even notice their own behavior...it's like they have tunnel vision and can't focus on anyone but themselves and how they are feeling. Luckily Jonathan's therapist let him record the session on his phone for me to listen to later. Most therapists won't do that for liability reasons but she knew how important it was that I am involved in the therapy process. Anyway...the session went incredibly well. It was basically Jonathan giving her his history and background. She recommended a book called "Loving Someone With Bipolar" which I'm eager to pick up so I can start reading! I think it's helping us just to know that we are taking more steps to further our progress and to get the support we need to make our marriage successful and to help us both in healing and moving forward. I have been having a REALLY rough time trying to get my schedule to work out with the therapist's but I can't wait until I can get in! I'm so lucky that Jonathan is complying so far with his medication and therapy treatments! I think that is what keeps me going...knowing that I'm important enough to him to push him to keep going. We'll keep you updated on the therapy progress as much as we can.

Life is so crazy right now with all this work and doctor stuff. I'm really trying to keep open about this which Jonathan is a big fan of because he knows how important it is for me to get the help and support I need and to be able to share our progress and our feelings openly. I'm making a huge effort to keep positive about things even though it's a really tough spot we're in. We're staying hopeful and just pushing forward. Hopefully we'll have a normal-ish life in the future and things won't be so intense. Wish us luck!!!