Showing posts with label insecurities. Show all posts
Showing posts with label insecurities. Show all posts
Monday, June 23, 2014
Undecided Emotions
Some days I decide to be blissfully happy. Some days I decide to be deeply depressed. Some days I can't decide what to be. Some days I know exactly what to be. Some days I want to feel loved. Some days I want to feel numb. Some days I feel life is easy. Some days I feel life is hard. Some days I can't decide what I feel. I wish I could force all these emotions away. I wish I could just wake up one day and be perfectly content. I don't know how it's possible to feel so many different feelings all at once. Like a prism...all the colors of the rainbow hitting me at once. Happy bright colors mixed with sad, dark colors engulfing me at the same time. Suffocating me. I realize I don't get the option to decide what I want to be. It is decided for me by unnamed forces. A tug-of-war of emotions each one pulling me desperately in their direction. Trying to win me over so they can suck up all of my energy and leave me breathless with no clue how I got there. Exhausted from the battle within my head, my heart, my soul, my body. I put up a strong front to fool everyone else. Trying to prove I am strong to everyone including myself. Am I just fooling myself? Do others see my frailty? I fear that they do. Deep down I know they do. Deep down I know that everyone sees it. They see every character flaw. They see every poor decision I've made. They see it all. Why do I care? I know I shouldn't. Everybody has a dark side. Everybody has flaws. Why do I feel like I need to hide mine all the time? I know I've made mistakes...billions of big mistakes mixed with trillions of little mistakes that seem to snowball together making every new mistake bigger and bigger. It seems like with every new mistake I burn out a flame that once burned...leaving a vast distance of ash and ruin between the people and things I love and me. With every little mistake I make the distance grows. Pushing me away from what I love most. Pushing me from the people I love most. Leaving me isolated. Feeling sad, lonely, angry, lost, exhausted. The light inside of me is completely burned out and every time I try to relight it the isolation and sadness becomes stronger. Pushing harder. I should just be happy to be alive. I almost lost my life years ago and I should just be grateful for my body, for my soul, for my breath. Some days I am incredibly grateful. Some days I feel more blessed than I deserve to be. Some days I feel like such an incredibly lucky being. Just when I think I have my emotions in check the light changes and hits the prism and I get disoriented all over again, overwhelmed with all the colors of the rainbow, and the tug-of -war begins again. So I grin and bear it while my soul gets stretched out in a million different directions while people don't see the reasoning behind my inner battle and thinking I'm just being dramatic over nothing. The problem is they don't see it. They don't see the chemicals in my brain playing their vicious games every day. I did this to myself by putting on that strong front and wearing a smile all the time while incapable of explaining the war raging on in my head leaving scars on my body and face destroying my inner beauty. To them it's simple. Just relax. Don't worry...be happy. If only it was as simple as that. I wish it was. So I continue to let the battles rage on like wildfire burning and spreading deeper and deeper within me all the while keeping up appearances of a woman who is put together and strong and happy. And here I sit with undecided emotions running through me. Let the fire rage on inside from the battles past and present...one day I will find peace. One day there will be no more undecided emotions. One day I will decide and I will be beautiful again.
Wednesday, May 7, 2014
Depression Is...
Depression is ugly. It's not like the commercials that make it look simple. Just take a small pill every day and it's all better. It's not. Depression is pain. It's mental pain. Physical pain. Emotinal pain. You take that little pill and it makes you numb to the pain...most of the time...but it also makes you feel numb to everything else. And when the medication isn't enough you are left to fight on your own. You lay in bed all day just trying to get up enough energy to get up and get in the shower. Then when you've exhausted all your energy just showering you just want to lay down in bed again. You don't even bother getting dressed. You just lay there exhausted. Worn out. You just want to sleep even though you've slept plenty and you can't sleep anymore. You know you have a million things to do because you've felt like this for days and have been putting off all of your tasks because you just physically can't do it. You wish you could just snap out of it. You loathe yourself because you feel like you're just being lazy. But it's not just being lazy. It's physical inability to move no matter what the motivation. You want to get up. You want to get out of the bed...out of the house...out of the area. You want to go make healthy choices. You. Just. Can't. You feel guilty for being unable to do anything which just adds to your pain. Depression is feeling ugly. Depression is feeling worthless. Depression is feeling tired all the time. Depression is feeling guilty. Depression is feeling like you're suffocating...smothered. Depression is feeling heavy...like a metal weight dropped on your body. Depression is sadness. Depression is having no control over your emotions. Depression is feeling sad for no reason at all. Depression is crying for no reason. Depression is knowing that life is good and hating it anyway.
So when you hear that someone was clinically diagnosed with clinical depression: Don't judge. Don't try to fix it. Don't push them. Don't give up on them. Just be there for them. Show them you care. Hug them. Call/text/email them. Be gentle. Be loving. Be supportive. Don't force them to talk about it because 99% of the time there's nothing to talk about. They need your love. They need your understanding. They need your love. They need your support. They need your physical presence...even if it's to sit in silence watching a movie. They need you. They need help. I need help.
Monday, June 3, 2013
Life
I've been thinking a lot lately...I'm trying to figure out if I'm just having a mini midlife crisis or if I'm just going through a period of self-reevaluation or something...but I am having huge anxiety about it. I've been thinking a lot about my life and who I am and who I was and who I want to be. I've been trying on different personas since I got divorced and I think now that I'm officially 30 years old I am getting anxious to find the right fit.
When I was younger, I knew exactly what I wanted, exactly who I was, and exactly what I wanted to do in life. Most people who have gone through a divorce will probably agree that it is the most earth-shattering and life-changing experience they have ever gone through. It shook up my entire being. I lost all touch of who I was before and turned into this big sloppy mess of trying to be something but not knowing what.
Sometimes I miss who I used to be...so resolved in what I believed and my personality...but knowing what I know now...I don't like some of the things I used to be. I miss having that knowledge of where I belong, who I am, and what I stand for but I now wish I could feel all those things but with a better judgement or understanding of life and a lot more tact than I used to have.
Ever since the experience of losing the one person whom I thought I couldn't live without I have been on a constant quest to figure out who I am and get me to a better place in life. I've learned so much. I learned that I can live without him. I can love someone else. I am stronger than I thought. Life is uncertain. Life is something to be cherished. Love the ones you are with in the best way you can. Don't let fear rule your life. Think long and hard about decisions before you make them. Don't expect anyone to read your mind...if you need or want something in your life then you need to say it without hesitation. When things go bad they can always get better. Don't vow to yourself that you will never make mistakes again....you will. It's OK to make mistakes...as long as you make them right in the end. Treat everyone with love and respect. Don't forget to have a good time every once in a while. Love the body you have...it's the only one you get. Treat yourself fairly...don't take on the entire world but take on some of it. There is hope.
Today I did something brave. I started a text conversation with my ex-husband to say some of the things that I felt were left unsaid. Don't worry...it wasn't a blame-fest. I am not 100% sure why I did it but I think it was to get resolution. I said some things I felt I needed to get off my chest and I think he did, too. I think that even though I'm swimming in treacherous waters...going to a place that most people wouldn't just to find some answers/closure...it's been good for me. Granted, I've been bawling all afternoon because it's so scary talking to someone from your past and wondering if they have hateful things to say to you or if they have good input for you, you're bringing up emotions from the past, and you are unsure of what you're going to find out about yourself...I feel it was necessary to have this conversation in order to find myself again. Oddly, I do feel a bit more calm than I have in a long time. I'm still freaking out but I feel like one piece of me is getting quiet among all of the chaos going on inside me right now.
I talked to Jonathan about my conversation with my ex and he completely understood and is behind me 100% on my decision to text my ex. He is such a great husband for me because he actually understands me and he stands by me through all of the ups and downs. He has been a great companion and friend and I will always be grateful for him. He has been so patient with me through all of this soul-searching of mine. I really appreciate him and his ability to love me even with my quirks and meltdowns. I am so lucky.
So here I am...trying to sort out my life piece by piece. I figure I will start with facing my past to clear out my present and make room for the future. The journey will be long, I am sure, but I believe it will be well worth it so I can move on and live life to the fullest. Let the journey continue.
When I was younger, I knew exactly what I wanted, exactly who I was, and exactly what I wanted to do in life. Most people who have gone through a divorce will probably agree that it is the most earth-shattering and life-changing experience they have ever gone through. It shook up my entire being. I lost all touch of who I was before and turned into this big sloppy mess of trying to be something but not knowing what.
Sometimes I miss who I used to be...so resolved in what I believed and my personality...but knowing what I know now...I don't like some of the things I used to be. I miss having that knowledge of where I belong, who I am, and what I stand for but I now wish I could feel all those things but with a better judgement or understanding of life and a lot more tact than I used to have.
Ever since the experience of losing the one person whom I thought I couldn't live without I have been on a constant quest to figure out who I am and get me to a better place in life. I've learned so much. I learned that I can live without him. I can love someone else. I am stronger than I thought. Life is uncertain. Life is something to be cherished. Love the ones you are with in the best way you can. Don't let fear rule your life. Think long and hard about decisions before you make them. Don't expect anyone to read your mind...if you need or want something in your life then you need to say it without hesitation. When things go bad they can always get better. Don't vow to yourself that you will never make mistakes again....you will. It's OK to make mistakes...as long as you make them right in the end. Treat everyone with love and respect. Don't forget to have a good time every once in a while. Love the body you have...it's the only one you get. Treat yourself fairly...don't take on the entire world but take on some of it. There is hope.
Today I did something brave. I started a text conversation with my ex-husband to say some of the things that I felt were left unsaid. Don't worry...it wasn't a blame-fest. I am not 100% sure why I did it but I think it was to get resolution. I said some things I felt I needed to get off my chest and I think he did, too. I think that even though I'm swimming in treacherous waters...going to a place that most people wouldn't just to find some answers/closure...it's been good for me. Granted, I've been bawling all afternoon because it's so scary talking to someone from your past and wondering if they have hateful things to say to you or if they have good input for you, you're bringing up emotions from the past, and you are unsure of what you're going to find out about yourself...I feel it was necessary to have this conversation in order to find myself again. Oddly, I do feel a bit more calm than I have in a long time. I'm still freaking out but I feel like one piece of me is getting quiet among all of the chaos going on inside me right now.
I talked to Jonathan about my conversation with my ex and he completely understood and is behind me 100% on my decision to text my ex. He is such a great husband for me because he actually understands me and he stands by me through all of the ups and downs. He has been a great companion and friend and I will always be grateful for him. He has been so patient with me through all of this soul-searching of mine. I really appreciate him and his ability to love me even with my quirks and meltdowns. I am so lucky.
So here I am...trying to sort out my life piece by piece. I figure I will start with facing my past to clear out my present and make room for the future. The journey will be long, I am sure, but I believe it will be well worth it so I can move on and live life to the fullest. Let the journey continue.
Thursday, September 1, 2011
GREAT News!!!
We finally got my car fixed...it needed a new battery!!! THANK GOODNESS that's all it was!!
I also got a call back on a job I applied for about a month ago doing data entry at the Utah State Tax Commission!!! They wanted me to do a data entry test so I went in on Tuesday and did the test. It was HARD!! They had these crazy math questions on part of it which I KNOW I bombed (hahaha) and then the typing tests. I did 9 3-minute tests and I can't remember all of my scores but I do remember getting at least over 10,000 keystrokes average with 99% accuracy...I thought that was pretty good for me. When I finished all the tests I looked around and...yeah...I was the very last person left testing still. I said (yes, out loud) "Man, I'm the last one...that's NOT good!" The HR lady just kinda laughed and gave me my final instructions and I was on my way. I left feeling pretty bummed. I thought I bombed the entire test hardcore!! I went home and pigged out on junk food and applied for 3 or 4 more jobs while I sulked. I got a call the next day from a different HR rep offering me an interview (meaning I passed the test and am still in the running for the job)! YAY!!!! The interview is on Wednesday at 8:30 so wish me luck!!! This job would be awesome because it'd be four 10-hour shifts Monday through Thursday and I'd get to wear regular street clothes (no dress code) and I'd be paid more and I'd be off by 4:30 every single day. It'd also be good for me because I'd be working in the same building as my mom!! I'd be able to be close to her and I think that would be fun! I wouldn't have to deal with customers, I'd actually get to sit down, I wouldn't have to deal with large amounts of cash/responsibilities. It would be such a good environment for me!! I really hope I get it.
Other GREAT news is that I got the results back from the Colposcopy and I don't have cancer!!! They want me to come back in about 6-12 months to do a follow up check to make sure it's going away or gone but so far I'm cancer free!!! YAY!!!!
All in all I am incredibly happy with the past week!!! I'm so excited that things are starting to even out a bit!!! I'm off tomorrow so that means time for me to continue reading my book!!! I'm going to get caught up on things around the house and relax!! I'm so excited!!! Another good thing that happened this week is last night when I got the news that I got offered the chance to interview I came home from work and Jonathan had the table all set up with a coke on ice and our beautiful martini glasses that we received for our wedding with the flowers he'd bought me earlier this week and he had cooked me a beautiful cubed steak dinner with rice and veggies and a side of beans!!! PERFECT dinner!!! After dinner he brought out a beautifully prepared plate of chocolates from Cold Stone Creamery/Rocky Mtn Chocolate Factory!!! YUM!!!! It was such a beautiful night!!! I love him!!!
Anyway...I am just so relieved with all of this great news that we've received this week and I am incredibly happy to have a week of near normalcy!! I wish I would've thought to take pictures of my beautiful dinner last night to post. Oh well...maybe next time!!! It was still a great week and I'm feeling satisfied with it! :D
I also got a call back on a job I applied for about a month ago doing data entry at the Utah State Tax Commission!!! They wanted me to do a data entry test so I went in on Tuesday and did the test. It was HARD!! They had these crazy math questions on part of it which I KNOW I bombed (hahaha) and then the typing tests. I did 9 3-minute tests and I can't remember all of my scores but I do remember getting at least over 10,000 keystrokes average with 99% accuracy...I thought that was pretty good for me. When I finished all the tests I looked around and...yeah...I was the very last person left testing still. I said (yes, out loud) "Man, I'm the last one...that's NOT good!" The HR lady just kinda laughed and gave me my final instructions and I was on my way. I left feeling pretty bummed. I thought I bombed the entire test hardcore!! I went home and pigged out on junk food and applied for 3 or 4 more jobs while I sulked. I got a call the next day from a different HR rep offering me an interview (meaning I passed the test and am still in the running for the job)! YAY!!!! The interview is on Wednesday at 8:30 so wish me luck!!! This job would be awesome because it'd be four 10-hour shifts Monday through Thursday and I'd get to wear regular street clothes (no dress code) and I'd be paid more and I'd be off by 4:30 every single day. It'd also be good for me because I'd be working in the same building as my mom!! I'd be able to be close to her and I think that would be fun! I wouldn't have to deal with customers, I'd actually get to sit down, I wouldn't have to deal with large amounts of cash/responsibilities. It would be such a good environment for me!! I really hope I get it.
Other GREAT news is that I got the results back from the Colposcopy and I don't have cancer!!! They want me to come back in about 6-12 months to do a follow up check to make sure it's going away or gone but so far I'm cancer free!!! YAY!!!!
All in all I am incredibly happy with the past week!!! I'm so excited that things are starting to even out a bit!!! I'm off tomorrow so that means time for me to continue reading my book!!! I'm going to get caught up on things around the house and relax!! I'm so excited!!! Another good thing that happened this week is last night when I got the news that I got offered the chance to interview I came home from work and Jonathan had the table all set up with a coke on ice and our beautiful martini glasses that we received for our wedding with the flowers he'd bought me earlier this week and he had cooked me a beautiful cubed steak dinner with rice and veggies and a side of beans!!! PERFECT dinner!!! After dinner he brought out a beautifully prepared plate of chocolates from Cold Stone Creamery/Rocky Mtn Chocolate Factory!!! YUM!!!! It was such a beautiful night!!! I love him!!!
Anyway...I am just so relieved with all of this great news that we've received this week and I am incredibly happy to have a week of near normalcy!! I wish I would've thought to take pictures of my beautiful dinner last night to post. Oh well...maybe next time!!! It was still a great week and I'm feeling satisfied with it! :D
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Sometimes I Feel Like I'm Going Crazy
I just have such a hard time juggling responsibilities sometimes. I wonder how so many people can get anything done when they're working full time among all the other every day responsibilities that come along with being an adult. It's hard to cope with everything sometimes. I sure could use a long vacation and some extra funds to help our situation out. Man I'm worn out.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm really beginning to feel the pressure!!! It's the final countdown to the wedding day and I'm feeling so many emotions! I'm so excited, stressed, scared, happy, anxious, etc...the list goes on and on. We've worked so incredibly hard on this and we've come so far. Now it's crunch time and things are getting incredibly tense for me. Part of me is really excited and calm and part of me is chaotic and scared. This is such a HUGE step for me...I thought it was scary the first time I got married...second time around is far more terrifying. Don't get me wrong...I'm SUPER excited but I can't help but feel nervous! I scheduled myself off only one day before the wedding...I'm really starting to regret that. I work Monday and Tuesday and I'm wishing I gave myself those two days to run all of my last minute errands and take care of things at home before the big move and name change process. Hopefully I can get a lot of it done this weekend so I won't feel as stressed come Monday and Tuesday. Now I'm rambling so I'll end this now but I just needed to vent a bit! Wish us luck!!!
Monday, April 19, 2010
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