Undecided Emotions

Some days I decide to be blissfully happy.  Some days I decide to be deeply depressed.  Some days I can't decide what to be.  Some days I know exactly what to be.  Some days I want to feel loved.  Some days I want to feel numb.  Some days I feel life is easy.  Some days I feel life is hard.  Some days I can't decide what I feel.  I wish I could force all these emotions away.  I wish I could just wake up one day and be perfectly content.  I don't know how it's possible to feel so many different feelings all at once.  Like a prism...all the colors of the rainbow hitting me at once.  Happy bright colors mixed with sad, dark colors engulfing me at the same time.  Suffocating me.  I realize I don't get the option to decide what I want to be.  It is decided for me by unnamed forces.  A tug-of-war of emotions each one pulling me desperately in their direction. Trying to win me over so they can suck up all of my energy and leave me breathless with no clue how I got there.  Exhausted from the battle within my head, my heart, my soul, my body.  I put up a strong front to fool everyone else.  Trying to prove I am strong to everyone including myself.  Am I just fooling myself?  Do others see my frailty?  I fear that they do.  Deep down I know they do.  Deep down I know that everyone sees it.  They see every character flaw.  They see every poor decision I've made.  They see it all.  Why do I care?  I know I shouldn't.  Everybody has a dark side.  Everybody has flaws.  Why do I feel like I need to hide mine all the time?  I know I've made mistakes...billions of big mistakes mixed with trillions of little mistakes that seem to snowball together making every new mistake bigger and bigger.  It seems like with every new mistake I burn out a flame that once burned...leaving a vast distance of ash and ruin between the people and things I love and me.  With every little mistake I make the distance grows.  Pushing me away from what I love most.  Pushing me from the people I love most.  Leaving me isolated.  Feeling sad, lonely, angry, lost, exhausted.  The light inside of me is completely burned out and every time I try to relight it the isolation and sadness becomes stronger.  Pushing harder.  I should just be happy to be alive.  I almost lost my life years ago and I should just be grateful for my body, for my soul, for my breath.  Some days I am incredibly grateful.  Some days I feel more blessed than I deserve to be.  Some days I feel like such an incredibly lucky being.  Just when I think I have my emotions in check the light changes and hits the prism and I get disoriented all over again, overwhelmed with all the colors of the rainbow, and the tug-of -war begins again.  So I grin and bear it while my soul gets stretched out in a million different directions while people don't see the reasoning behind my inner battle and thinking I'm just being dramatic over nothing.  The problem is they don't see it.  They don't see the chemicals in my brain playing their vicious games every day.  I did this to myself by putting on that strong front and wearing a smile all the time while incapable of explaining the war raging on in my head leaving scars on my body and face destroying my inner beauty.  To them it's simple.  Just relax.  Don't worry...be happy.  If only it was as simple as that.  I wish it was.  So I continue to let the battles rage on like wildfire burning and spreading deeper and deeper within me all the while keeping up appearances of a woman who is put together and strong and happy.  And here I sit with undecided emotions running through me.  Let the fire rage on inside from the battles past and present...one day I will find peace.  One day there will be no more undecided emotions.  One day I will decide and I will be beautiful again.

Depression Is...

Depression is ugly. It's not like the commercials that make it look simple. Just take a small pill every day and it's all better. It's not. Depression is pain. It's mental pain. Physical pain. Emotinal pain. You take that little pill and it makes you numb to the pain...most of the time...but it also makes you feel numb to everything else. And when the medication isn't enough you are left to fight on your own. You lay in bed all day just trying to get up enough energy to get up and get in the shower. Then when you've exhausted all your energy just showering you just want to lay down in bed again. You don't even bother getting dressed. You just lay there exhausted. Worn out. You just want to sleep even though you've slept plenty and you can't sleep anymore. You know you have a million things to do because you've felt like this for days and have been putting off all of your tasks because you just physically can't do it. You wish you could just snap out of it. You loathe yourself because you feel like you're just being lazy. But it's not just being lazy. It's physical inability to move no matter what the motivation. You want to get up. You want to get out of the bed...out of the house...out of the area. You want to go make healthy choices. You. Just. Can't. You feel guilty for being unable to do anything which just adds to your pain. Depression is feeling ugly. Depression is feeling worthless. Depression is feeling tired all the time. Depression is feeling guilty. Depression is feeling like you're suffocating...smothered. Depression is feeling heavy...like a metal weight dropped on your body. Depression is sadness. Depression is having no control over your emotions. Depression is feeling sad for no reason at all. Depression is crying for no reason. Depression is knowing that life is good and hating it anyway.

So when you hear that someone was clinically diagnosed with clinical depression: Don't judge. Don't try to fix it. Don't push them. Don't give up on them. Just be there for them.  Show them you care. Hug them. Call/text/email them. Be gentle. Be loving. Be supportive. Don't force them to talk about it because 99% of the time there's nothing to talk about. They need your love. They need your understanding. They need your love. They need your support. They need your physical presence...even if it's to sit in silence watching a movie. They need you. They need help. I need help.

Life

I've been thinking a lot lately...I'm trying to figure out if I'm just having a mini midlife crisis or if I'm just going through a period of self-reevaluation or something...but I am having huge anxiety about it.  I've been thinking a lot about my life and who I am and who I was and who I want to be.  I've been trying on different personas since I got divorced and I think now that I'm officially 30 years old I am getting anxious to find the right fit.

When I was younger, I knew exactly what I wanted, exactly who I was, and exactly what I wanted to do in life.  Most people who have gone through a divorce will probably agree that it is the most earth-shattering and life-changing experience they have ever gone through.  It shook up my entire being.  I lost all touch of who I was before and turned into this big sloppy mess of trying to be something but not knowing what.

Sometimes I miss who I used to be...so resolved in what I believed and my personality...but knowing what I know now...I don't like some of the things I used to be.  I miss having that knowledge of where I belong, who I am, and what I stand for but I now wish I could feel all those things but with a better judgement or understanding of life and a lot more tact than I used to have.

Ever since the experience of losing the one person whom I thought I couldn't live without I have been on a constant quest to figure out who I am and get me to a better place in life.  I've learned so much.  I learned that I can live without him.  I can love someone else.  I am stronger than I thought.  Life is uncertain.  Life is something to be cherished.  Love the ones you are with in the best way you can.  Don't let fear rule your life. Think long and hard about decisions before you make them.  Don't expect anyone to read your mind...if you need or want something in your life then you need to say it without hesitation.  When things go bad they can always get better.  Don't vow to yourself that you will never make mistakes again....you will.  It's OK to make mistakes...as long as you make them right in the end.  Treat everyone with love and respect.  Don't forget to have a good time every once in a while.  Love the body you have...it's the only one you get.  Treat yourself fairly...don't take on the entire world but take on some of it.  There is hope.

Today I did something brave.  I started a text conversation with my ex-husband to say some of the things that I felt were left unsaid.  Don't worry...it wasn't a blame-fest.  I am not 100% sure why I did it but I think it was to get resolution.  I said some things I felt I needed to get off my chest and I think he did, too.  I think that even though I'm swimming in treacherous waters...going to a place that most people wouldn't just to find some answers/closure...it's been good for me.  Granted, I've been bawling all afternoon because it's so scary talking to someone from your past and wondering if they have hateful things to say to you or if they have good input for you, you're bringing up emotions from the past, and you are unsure of what you're going to find out about yourself...I feel it was necessary to have this conversation in order to find myself again.  Oddly, I do feel a bit more calm than I have in a long time.  I'm still freaking out but I feel like one piece of me is getting quiet among all of the chaos going on inside me right now.

I talked to Jonathan about my conversation with my ex and he completely understood and is behind me 100% on my decision to text my ex.  He is such a great husband for me because he actually understands me and he stands by me through all of the ups and downs.  He has been a great companion and friend and I will always be grateful for him.  He has been so patient with me through all of this soul-searching of mine.  I really appreciate him and his ability to love me even with my quirks and meltdowns.  I am so lucky.

So here I am...trying to sort out my life piece by piece.  I figure I will start with facing my past to clear out my present and make room for the future.  The journey will be long, I am sure, but I believe it will be well worth it so I can move on and live life to the fullest.  Let the journey continue.

Counting My Blessings

Today I've been trying to count my blessings.

1 I am so lucky to have such an amazing husband
2 A nice apartment to live in
3 Decent cars that get us from point A to B and back to A again
4 My amazing family who takes good care of us and who we take good care of as well
5 My amazing in-laws who we love and miss so much
6 Our jobs and the great coworkers/friends we get to share our lives with
7 Modern medicine to heal all of our health issues
8 All other modern technologies to help us keep connected to our friends and family near and far
9 And for all of our opportunities

Even through our hard times it seems that we are making so much progress.  There is one thing in particular that we are working on right now that only a few people know about but we are so excited!!  Hopefully we'll get to share some good news soon but for now we don't want to jinx it.  We are just so very lucky and even though my depression/anxiety and Jonathan's bipolar gets the better of us some days...we try to remember just every blessing we have in our lives right now.  Hopefully the blood clot in my leg will heal soon so we can start exercising and getting a 5k in the plans for this summer!!  Wish us luck!!

Quick Update...More to Come (Hopefully Sooner Rather Than Later)

I just wanted to do a brief update today.  I am really going to try to post more and get more pictures going on here (once I find my camera).  For right now I'll keep it short.

Good news!!  Nate and Amber have their twins!!  They are so cute and I'm so happy for them!!  I love to see pictures of them on Facebook and Instagram and I couldn't be happier for them!  Congrats Amber & Nate!!

Jonathan and I ran our very first 5K on September 8th with my oldest and youngest sisters and my two friends Shaun and Daniel!  It was SUCH a great experience!!  I had some obstacles to overcome while I was training for this event...I had a month long pneumonia/pleurisy and two blood clots in my arm from the IV in the emergency room the first time.  Three ER visits later and a follow up doctor's appointment later I started to heal.  As soon as I was better I caught a cold that lasted for a week.  I started training the following week and while training I injured my foot...strained the fascia...and was told by the Dr that I needed to stay off of my foot for about a week...which was the week of the 5K.  I listened until Thursday of that week and then I got my butt on the treadmill that day and Friday.  The race was Saturday morning on gravity hill starting at the Capitol and ending at Memory Grove.  It was beautiful...and HARD!!!  Hahaha!!  I walked most of it and got done in about 40 minutes but I crossed the finish line with my sisters holding my hands.  They were literally my motivators during the whole thing.  I was so proud of myself for going through all of that and still pushing through to the finish line!  What an amazing experience that was!!  For any interested...the race was for Racing With Passion and they now have a picture of my sisters and I crossing the finish line hands clasped on their little slide show on their homepage and on their Facebook page.  Here's the link to the website!

Jonathan and I have been getting in control of his bipolar a little better so we are doing much better now.  Every now and then we have hard days with it but it's really started easing up since he got his job as the Academic Adviser at the Utah College Of Massage Therapy which provides a steady paycheck and decent, steady hours (he'll be going to days soon which means 8:30-5:30 Monday-Friday with no weekends and that will REALLY make a huge difference).

Other than that, there's not much going on.  I'm still working full time at the bank and I love my boss and coworkers and that is a great thing for me!  I will post more in depth later but that's just to give you a quick update!

God Is Real

The reason I know this is because everything happens for a reason. It was not a coincidence that Jonathan lost his job the day that he did. The very next morning my mom was rushed to the emergency room and needed constant supervision for the few weeks following til surgery and he was available to help take care of her. The day she was admitted into the rehab center after surgery was the day he got a job offer. Again...no coincidence. We have been incredibly blessed this month amidst the rough time we've been going through. My mom is doing great and should be released on Friday to go home for home health care and Jonathan started his job as an academic advisor at the Utah College Of Massage Therapy on Monday. Everything has fallen into place beautifully and we are thankful for the many blessings that God has given to us in these tough stages of life! I believe in God.

AT LAST!!!

Finally things are starting to fall into place!! We were able to pay off one of our debts in February and this month we'll be able to finish paying off another one!!! I am starting to feel the progress and it is like a breath of fresh air!!

We found our next apartment and we can't wait to move into it!!! We just hope there's one available when our lease is up in July or August! I LOVE the new place...it's in a great location, it's a newer complex, it's laid out a lot better, it's bigger, and it's beautiful...they paint an accent wall for you the color you want (you have three colors for you to choose from)!!! I LOVE the apartments that do accent walls...it makes it feel more like home! I detest white walls!! I'd prefer tan over white!!

Jonathan and I have started a daily, monthly, and yearly checklist of things we feel are important to get done on a regular basis that include cleaning, hygiene, quality time activities, etc. This all started because I felt that all we were doing was work and bills and that was it. I felt that we would work so hard and struggle so much that we were forgetting the little things we can do to keep ourselves healthier, our apartment cleaner, and still have room to enjoy each other's company. We have completely exhausted ourselves between work, housework, dealing with Jonathan's bipolar and my depression/anxiety, bills, etc. We haven't been able to get everything accomplished that we've needed to and still have the energy to have a little fun. So my fix was to start a checklist and break down all of our responsibilities and activities and spread them out throughout the week, month, and year! So far it has worked beautifully!! Yeah, sure, we miss things here and there but the important thing is that we continue to do it. It's like a goal for us that we can work on together consistently and it really has been bringing us closer together. I know that to some of you this sounds like too much work but honestly...it's cut our workload in half because we have a planned out schedule so we don't overdo it on some days and under-do it on the rest of the days. It's balancing out our lives rather nicely and I'm super proud of this project!

Jonathan received the Aaronic Priesthood on Sunday and I am so happy for him! He is progressing so quickly through this huge lifestyle change and he's really enjoying the path that it has put him on! I'm so proud of him!!

I'm so happy that 2012 is shaping up to be a great year for us! We are super excited to get to a place in our lives where we can grow together, maybe go to the temple together someday, buy a home together someday, and start a family together someday! We are really trying this year to make a huge leap in our progress towards our goals and so far it's looking good for us! We just want to keep the momentum going and hopefully achieve what we're hoping to achieve!

Wow!

I am SUCH a blogging slacker!!! I haven't kept up at all!! It has been a crazy time for us, though, so it makes sense why this has fallen low on the priority list. Not much has changed for us, we're just both working and trying to get by while taking care of the little crisis' that pop up.

We are looking to move. We have had enough of our sketchy landlord and we want a little bit bigger apartment with a bigger washer and dryer and more storage space. Hopefully we can find one in our price range that will be a good place for us for a few years. The main goal is to get out of debt and save up to buy a house within the next two or three years so we don't want to be in a place that will be hard to live in for that amount of time. We need to upgrade without skipping ahead too much.

Jonathan is looking for a new career...I think he's had enough of the food services industry. It's incredibly hard because he loves it but the hours are all over the place and there's absolutely no structure which is what he needs to help ease his disorder. He also wants a job with potential to make more money. We'll see what happens but hopefully he'll find something that will be good for him.

This month we had a few setbacks as far as our goal to start the Dave Ramsey plan. I had a hospital bill mix-up and they sent me to collections because of a mistake on their side. They did pull it out of collections and we're working on trying to get that all cleared up. We also had a LOT of repairs we've had to shell out money for on Jonathan's car...his registration is due this month and it was not going to pass until all of these repairs were done. Tomorrow we'll finish the last of them and then we'll be able to register it on the next paycheck. We're thinking February will be a good month for us to get a bit ahead on our bills and save for our emergency savings a bit. February will have our tax returns and we're hoping I get a bonus this year...we'll see...cross your fingers!!!

This month started off pretty rocky but it looks like it's letting up a bit so hopefully this year will be good to us! We're just planning to pay off debt and give ourselves more room to breathe! Wish us luck!! We're super motivated this year to get as much accomplished as far as finances as we can! We think we can do it! We think we can! We think we can! Anyway...thanks for reading my posts. It helps me to know I have a support group here for us. We appreciate you!

Update & An Exciting Announcement!!

So sorry it's been a while. Many of you may have already heard that as soon as Jonathan's old burned out computer was trashed and the hard drives were destroyed my laptop completely crashed. When I say as soon as...I mean the exact same day. So we have been computerless for a few weeks but we finally saved up enough to get a new laptop last week and here we are again!

A few quick updates then we have a big announcement.

A few quick updates:

1-I have been at the new branch near my house for almost a month and I am LOVING it!! I save on gas and food because I live so close I can just drive home for lunch and I get to make my own lunch which saves on eating out. I also love my coworkers...they are all really awesome and they treat me like gold which is a HUGE thing in the workplace these days. I love feeling wanted and loved and appreciated!!!

2-Jonathan is still loving his job at the hospital and has had some difficulties with it recently but is still happy with it anyway which makes me happy.

3-We got this new beautiful laptop to replace the two that died and we are loving it!! I know I already said that but I wanted to reiterate the fact that we are making progress in getting the things we need to make life more simple/comfortable!!

4-We started making a family improvement plan to help us with our struggles with Jonathan's bipolar disorder and we're hoping that it will just help improve our relationship as a couple and bring us closer together. I always believe there is always something to work on in relationships and this is a tool that I think will help us build a strong marriage and family. It includes many various activities we can do together (i.e. read together, watch uplifting movies together, exercise together, go on dates together, work on spirituality together, etc.) and building a good stable routine to keep up on the house and hygiene and all that fun stuff! I'm excited about it! I love having routines...things just seem to flow smoother when we're in routines plus it's incredibly good for Jonathan's bipolar!

And here's the big announcement:

If you noticed above in the family plan we talked about working on our spirituality. Jonathan and I have decided to start going to our local LDS church to see if it is something we can both incorporate in our lives together. We had talked many times about having kids someday and desiring to raise them in a healthy, religious atmosphere so they can gain a good moral basis and be raised in a good environment with good friends and make them strong in their own convictions. I have researched many churches and maybe I'm a little biased because I was raised LDS and although I have made MANY mistakes throughout my life (as everyone does) I still feel that I turned out ok and that would be how I'd want to raise my children someday. Not to mention it would be really good to have the gospel in my own life again...the support it gives is phenomenal and I think that having so many good people who share my values in my life would be really healthy for me and Jonathan both.

I honestly didn't think that Jonathan would be up for even testing out the church. He was born and raised Catholic and he had gone a different direction with his life. He wasn't actively attending church and he was quite the party boy. He made some really bad decisions in his life that led him down a really bad path and he had to find his way back to normalcy. Part of the risky behaviors and bad decisions are chalked up to his bipolar and not really knowing about it or understanding it...they call it self-medicating. Most bipolars struggle with drugs and alcohol and other "risky behaviors" and Jonathan had his fair share of all of that. He surprised me when we were dating because I mentioned that maybe I would want to start going to church again to see if it's for me and he agreed to come with me to my oldest sister's ward. It surprised me that he liked it and even more that we were going regularly for about 8 months starting in January this year. We stopped going, however, because it was getting difficult for me to attend when I wasn't sure that Jonathan was really ok with it. I wasn't sure that it would be something we could do if he was unwilling to really apply the things we learned to our daily lives and if he wasn't planning on getting baptized to become a member of the church it must be because he wasn't ok with it fully and I really think it's important to be on the same page as far as religion is concerned. So I struggled with it for those reasons and others.

Today we went to our own home ward for the first time. I have never actually had my own ward so it was scary to say the least. We made my little sister come with us for moral support. In Sacrament meeting there was a speaker from someone in the stake or high council or something (I'm sorry...I forgot what his calling was) and he talked about the importance of tithing which was a really good talk and I learned a lot. After his talk, the bishop spoke about trials and their purpose in life and how we can learn and grow from them. Jonathan started tearing up a bit and pretended to be yawning (I thought it was a yawn..hahaha) and afterwards we met two members of the bishopric...one of which got all of our information and showed us to our Sunday School class. In Sunday School we were learning about Pure Religion and reading from the book of James. We learned a lot of good stuff and we got to James Chapter 1 Verse 5 that says: "If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him." LDS members all know why that scripture has significance. That scripture is the one that inspired Joseph Smith to pray in the sacred grove where he saw a vision of God and Jesus Christ who revealed their plan for this church to be brought to earth. Joseph Smith is considered the first prophet of the LDS church. What a powerful scripture that is. Anyway, when we came across that scripture my little sister and I explained to Jonathan the significance of that scripture and how that is how the LDS church eventually came to be. Something struck a chord with Jonathan in Sacrament Meeting already and a bit in Sunday School. He leaned over to me and whispered that he wasn't sure he'd be able to make it through the next meeting (Priesthood for him/Relief Society for me). I thought it was because his stomach had been growling and he may be uncomfortable there and maybe just wanted to go home.

After the closing prayer was given in Sunday School, Jonathan bee-lined over to the bishop and told him we needed to sit down with him. The bishop said that we could set up an appointment and meet later after church but Jonathan told him it was necessary now. We headed into the bishop's office while Jonathan was explaining that he wasn't a member and that I was an inactive member. My sister took a seat in the foyer while we had our meeting. We sat down in his office and Jonathan said to the bishop, "I was listening to your talk in Sacrament and you moved me...I want to start down the path towards baptism." I was SHOCKED!!! I whirled my head around and looked at him with my jaw dropped and said, "WHAT?!!!" He went on about how he doesn't know what happened really but he was touched and wants to start down the road towards baptism. The bishop, obviously pleased and excited for us both, gave us the numbers to the area's missionaries and Jonathan has agreed to take the missionary discussions! I am still shocked now, as I'm writing this! I never expected this. I didn't even know if we were going to be coming back to church the next week because it was so complicated for us both to go when he felt so strongly about not being baptized. I don't know what changed but I feel that between the bishop's inspiring talk and the amazing Sunday School lesson something resonated with Jonathan and he made the choice entirely on his own. I am so proud of him for making such a difficult choice without any help from anyone at all. He felt inspired to do this on his own and that is something amazing to me. So tomorrow Jonathan is calling the missionaries and we'll set the first appointment with them.

I know that this may shock a lot of my friends because I haven't been religious for many years but I honestly have felt very deeply that I need to work on my spirituality. I feel that there is something missing in my life that could help me through all the trials in life. My goal is to get to a state of peace within myself and within the world. I feel that this is going to help. I am so nervous to go back for many reasons but it is something I feel will contribute immensely to my well-being and happiness and now I believe it will contribute to Jonathan's happiness and well-being too. I am not saying by any means that the LDS church is the ONLY way to go. I truly think there is good in almost every religion. I think that this is the one that works for me and I really believe this is the best path for us. I am overcome with emotion from all of this but mostly I am excited. I am excited to start this path with Jonathan and I'm excited to start doing something better with my life. I hope it will all work out for us and that it will be a good experience for us and help us lead a full life. Wish us luck!!

I DID IT!!!!

‎We just finished Week 1: Day 1 of the rip:60!!!! I didn't do so great in the morning...cinnamon bears and a Coke for breakfast, Arby's Jr Roast Beef (x2) and a Coke for lunch. But at least I had my water bottle mixed with my fiber in there before lunch...and dinner was healthy...lemon dill swordfish steak, wilted spinach, and balsamic rice!!! Plus I've been snacking on healthy things like yogurt and fruit! :D YAY!!!! OH....AND I KICKED Jonathan's trash on the workout!!! WOOOHOOO!!! GO ME!!!! Honestly...the fact that I worked out at all is what I'm most proud of! The rip:60 is intense!! I'm scared to death!! Week 1 is called Waking Up Your Body. You do that workout for the first week then move up to the next so every week is a new workout for the next 8 weeks. Plus there's 4 additional workouts you can do but they are optional. It also has a great menu plan for a good diet! What an adventure this will be. I've hardly worked out ever and I've NEVER been on a diet...SCARY!!! Oh well...wish me luck!! :D

We're Getting There

I am so excited!! I got the interview at the Utah State Tax Commission!! It was on Wednesday morning. It went pretty well...I think. The only thing is they told me what the starting pay was and it's .3o less an hour. Kinda a bummer seeing as money seems to be the bane of my existence lately. I hate money. It seems to control so much. NOT ANYMORE!!! I refuse to let myself become a slave to money. I hate money and I am going to learn how to make it work for me instead of working for it. Hence the reason we're starting the Dave Ramsey's Total Money Makeover again. I know that I have posted about it before. We actually were halfway to our goal of Baby Step 1 which is to save $1000 for an emergency savings. We had $500 of our $1000 and then....we got engaged. We spent all of our emergency savings...and then some...on the wedding. WELL worth it but still sad that we are here again...back where we started. But this time we are seriously making a huge commitment to stick to the plan. We are determined to be successful with this. Anyway...next paycheck it all starts!!

As for the job crisis...I'm not exactly sure what I'm going to do. I mean...I REALLY want a job with a better work environment. Banking was never my final job goal. I actually have gone through MANY different job goals in my life. I even studied Barbering/Cosmetology in college. I quit in the 3rd semester even though I only had one semester left til I was 100% completely finished...it just was not for me. I haven't made it back to school yet but I fully intend to someday. Right now the vision is dietetics. I would love to be a clinical dietitian...at the moment...we'll have to see how that pans out. But as for now I'm stuck in banking losing my energy and drive for that job. It's a pretty rough environment to be in...especially these days with how the economy is...nobody has any money and EVERYBODY is on edge. On top of that...I'm REALLY not enjoying the branch I'm at. So I started applying for jobs. Mostly clerical/secretarial jobs. I think I've sent my application in to about a million places and I have had no success. Here's the thing...I am GREAT at interviews. Every job I've ever had an interview for...I've received a job offer. The problem is I have a limited resume. I am great at interviewing but getting the interview is a whole process in itself. I actually had given up on the tax commission job...just like the many other jobs I didn't hear back from. So I had written to one of my previous managers at another branch from earlier in my career before the divorce to see about possibly transferring and forcing a raise upon myself. The reason being I'm sick of my job...even though I'm great at it...and I'm sick of the dismal pay. So I figure if I can't get a job with a better environment I should start trying to pursue getting a raise to even out the bad environment. Basically I've been feeling like I've been working too hard for too little for far too long!

So...the day after I did that, doubting that I'll have a shot at a new job, I got the call to take the data entry test! Talk about bringing hope back into the picture!!! So I went and took the test...still awaiting to hear about the possibility of transfer but basically thinking there's a good chance that won't happen, either. So you may have read earlier that I did pass the test and get the chance to interview for that job. I went into the interview with an idea that the pay would be equal to or more than my current pay. I was wrong. VERY wrong. It's $50 less a month. So immediately I'm disappointed but then after speaking to some friends and family...I began to contemplate whether the move would be plausible...or worth it. I hadn't heard from my old manager in a few weeks so I kinda had a feeling that wasn't going to happen. Then...I randomly sent a text to one of my other friends who works at that branch and SHE brought up the transfer. She told me that all I have to do is request it from my manager and basically it's a done deal. So now I'm in a dilemma. Do I transfer to get out of the branch I'm miserable in to go to a branch that may be a tiny bit better...and I don't even know if I'll get the raise...or do I take the job with a better environment, better schedule, and better dress code but less pay? I've been talking to my family and friends about it. I have been trying to make the best decision for me and my husband. We could be ok with $50 less a month...it will be a little more difficult...but honestly...with everything that's going on with us...Jonathan's illness, my health, our debt, etc...it's really hard to decide. I have been weighing the options...pros and cons...as for now I am leaning towards the paycut for a better environment but we'll have to see. I haven't even been offered the job and I probably won't even hear about it for a week or so but I'm really hoping I get the offer so I have options. I'm nervous. I really hope I get the offer so that maybe I can make a better decision. I will have to keep you updated on it.

Honestly even though I feel as if my life is incredibly unsettled...I still feel that we're getting there. That pretty much sums it up...I feel as if we are getting there. That's what all of this fight is all about...finding our life together and settling into stability...and we're getting there. I finally feel like something good is coming for us. I feel that just around the corner is something good for us. We're getting there. I am so grateful for all the wonderful opportunities that have been presented to us. We are so lucky. We have worked hard for our life together and we still will. At least I'm finally feeling like we're getting there! I am so lucky and I am so excited to have this journey in my life. I can tell already that I am getting stronger and smarter from all of these experiences. Thank heaven for little victories!

GREAT News!!!

We finally got my car fixed...it needed a new battery!!! THANK GOODNESS that's all it was!!

I also got a call back on a job I applied for about a month ago doing data entry at the Utah State Tax Commission!!! They wanted me to do a data entry test so I went in on Tuesday and did the test. It was HARD!! They had these crazy math questions on part of it which I KNOW I bombed (hahaha) and then the typing tests. I did 9 3-minute tests and I can't remember all of my scores but I do remember getting at least over 10,000 keystrokes average with 99% accuracy...I thought that was pretty good for me. When I finished all the tests I looked around and...yeah...I was the very last person left testing still. I said (yes, out loud) "Man, I'm the last one...that's NOT good!" The HR lady just kinda laughed and gave me my final instructions and I was on my way. I left feeling pretty bummed. I thought I bombed the entire test hardcore!! I went home and pigged out on junk food and applied for 3 or 4 more jobs while I sulked. I got a call the next day from a different HR rep offering me an interview (meaning I passed the test and am still in the running for the job)! YAY!!!! The interview is on Wednesday at 8:30 so wish me luck!!! This job would be awesome because it'd be four 10-hour shifts Monday through Thursday and I'd get to wear regular street clothes (no dress code) and I'd be paid more and I'd be off by 4:30 every single day. It'd also be good for me because I'd be working in the same building as my mom!! I'd be able to be close to her and I think that would be fun! I wouldn't have to deal with customers, I'd actually get to sit down, I wouldn't have to deal with large amounts of cash/responsibilities. It would be such a good environment for me!! I really hope I get it.

Other GREAT news is that I got the results back from the Colposcopy and I don't have cancer!!! They want me to come back in about 6-12 months to do a follow up check to make sure it's going away or gone but so far I'm cancer free!!! YAY!!!!

All in all I am incredibly happy with the past week!!! I'm so excited that things are starting to even out a bit!!! I'm off tomorrow so that means time for me to continue reading my book!!! I'm going to get caught up on things around the house and relax!! I'm so excited!!! Another good thing that happened this week is last night when I got the news that I got offered the chance to interview I came home from work and Jonathan had the table all set up with a coke on ice and our beautiful martini glasses that we received for our wedding with the flowers he'd bought me earlier this week and he had cooked me a beautiful cubed steak dinner with rice and veggies and a side of beans!!! PERFECT dinner!!! After dinner he brought out a beautifully prepared plate of chocolates from Cold Stone Creamery/Rocky Mtn Chocolate Factory!!! YUM!!!! It was such a beautiful night!!! I love him!!!

Anyway...I am just so relieved with all of this great news that we've received this week and I am incredibly happy to have a week of near normalcy!! I wish I would've thought to take pictures of my beautiful dinner last night to post. Oh well...maybe next time!!! It was still a great week and I'm feeling satisfied with it! :D

Update!

Sorry...it's been pretty crazy around here for us. I just wanted to write a quick update. I'm still working hard at the bank and we recently had our audit which we passed (THANK GOODNESS!!!). Jonathan is still loving his job as head chef at the hospital.

We're still working on getting Jonathan's bipolar disorder under control. We've been working on getting into a routine because I've been reading some awesome books that are helping us out with the disorder and handling it. THIS BOOK has been my favorite so far! I'm currently reading THIS BOOK to learn more about different types of ways to manage the disease. I'm liking it so far but I'm not that far into it. (To keep up on what I'm reading currently click HERE) We've had a few rough patches on our journey to stability but I honestly feel like we've been making some progress which is GREAT!! Any progress is good progress! We are still working on getting into the therapist regularly but hopefully when that happens it'll make things a little easier on us. I'm thinking of joining a support group that meets about once a month to get my own support through it but we'll see. We also are trying to make his sleep schedule regularized and we're working on getting our diet and exercise figured out to be healthier. The healthier we are, the easier managing bipolar is. We'll keep you updated on our progress.

We are also currently dealing with my health issues, still, and it's a little slow going but we're trying to get it under control. My stomach issues are now determined by the doctors as unknown. They say that I do not have Celiac (gluten intolerant) so that's good news ( I LOVE gluten products)! I had my wonderful yearly exam a few weeks back and usually I get no calls back...just a postcard saying it came back normal. This time, however, I got a call from my doctor saying that they found some abnormalities that are pre-cancer cells in my cervix. They referred me to a specialist to do a colposcopy to look into it further. I took the news pretty hard because I feel like everything is hitting me all at once lately with work, money, dr's, and cars. It's just a test...that's all I have to think of it as. I got the test done on Thursday the 25th. They took two biopsies and sent them to the pathology lab so we're still waiting on the results. We are optimistic about it. We think it's nothing major so hopefully we are right. :D I'll let you know how those results are when we get them back.

When I got in my car the other day to go to my colposcopy...yeah...my car wouldn't start. So Jonathan had to rush out of work to come and get me and take me to the appointment himself. It wasn't such fun because they suggested I take 400-600 mg of Ibuprofen before the appointment to help relieve the pain that will be caused by the test. I didn't have any Ibuprofen so I was planning to leave way early so I could stop at the store and take some beforehand but when my car wouldn't start...that plan went out the window. I had to do it without any medication so it was kinda painful but I survived. We still don't know what's going on with my car. Jonathan got it to start but there is definitely a problem that needs to be fixed. PLUS his car's windshield was attacked by a rock on the freeway and it took a good chunk of glass out of it causing a spider-like chip in the windshield. There is now a crack spreading from there on both sides of the chip and it will soon be the entire length of the windshield. On top of that every time Jonathan's car turns it makes a knocking noise...NOT GOOD! Guess we'll be spending a lot of time at the mechanic shops over the next few months. Hopefully these car problems aren't too serious.

I applied for a job a few weeks back at the Utah State Tax Commission doing data entry and I got a call back for that last week. I'm going in on Tuesday for a data entry typing test so we'll see how that goes. I'm hoping for an interview because that job would be AWESOME for me. I would work four 10's and be off by 4:30 every night. Every weekend would be a 3-day weekend!! Plus I'd get paid more and could wear my regular street clothes...no dress code to follow. I'd be able to just plug in my iPod and work away...no customers to worry about, no standing all day, no lifting heavy boxes of coin, etc. I'm sure it'll be an incredibly boring job but I really wouldn't mind that! I'm excited to see how this goes for me. I honestly think it would be a great thing for us.

Now you know what we've been up to lately...it's been crazy but honestly we are feeling pretty positive about everything in the midst of all of this chaos so that's a really good thing! We are definitely tired and feeling pretty worn but to be feeling positive about everything that is happening is truly a relief. We're just trying to take it day by day and so far it's working pretty well for us. I promise I will try to keep up on this better...it's just been hard because it's like we have SO much going on I don't even know where to start blogging. Hopefully the next few weeks will bring some relief to our situations in life. As soon as the car situation and the doctor visits start slowing we are bound and determined to restart the Dave Ramsey's Total Money Makeover plan again. Gaining control over our finances will help our stress levels so much and we've been anxious to get started on that again. I'll probably be posting more about that progress as well. Thanks for reading my blog....I really appreciate you for caring enough to check in on us!

Sometimes I Feel Like I'm Going Crazy

I just have such a hard time juggling responsibilities sometimes. I wonder how so many people can get anything done when they're working full time among all the other every day responsibilities that come along with being an adult. It's hard to cope with everything sometimes. I sure could use a long vacation and some extra funds to help our situation out. Man I'm worn out.

My Husband Has Bipolar Disorder...It's Hard But I Love Him

So lately my friends and family have probably thought that I am crazy because I'm either really high up or really low and depressed. I was only telling close friends and family about this because I felt that it was something that didn't need to be public knowledge or that it was something that I could handle on my own. I am finding more and more every day that I need help and support just as much as he needs help. Bipolar Disorder is a HORRIBLE mental illness that not very many people understand. Sure you hear that they have vicious mood swings but they don't really realize how difficult or serious it really is until you have had to live with it day in and day out. I am still learning about it and I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the issues that arise from it.

Jonathan was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder a few months after we got engaged so it was a little less than a year ago. He has what's called Rapid Cycle Bipolar Disorder. I have to admit that it was an incredibly hard thing to take. We had always struggled in our relationship...even when we were dating. We would have times where everything was amazing and we got along perfectly and there were times that I didn't even think I could possibly consider marrying him. We would fight the most intense fights I've ever fought in my life. I thought he had a temper problem. I was so wrong. Even when he was diagnosed I didn't really realize what I was getting myself into. I just thought, "Oh...intense mood swings...I can handle that" but I was so wrong.

The doctor decided to start him out on Lamictal which is a mood stabilizer also used for people with epilepsy. She also prescribed an anti-depressant that many of you have heard of, I'm sure, Zoloft. I noticed an IMMEDIATE difference. The mood swings got a little less intense and they were spread a tiny bit further apart. Since he was diagnosed and is now being treated for Bipolar I am trying to research more into the disease itself. The doctor also recommended that I come to ALL of his appointments because one of the problems with Bipolar is that their perceptions are completely off and they can't see what is really happening in life. I started going with him to his doctor appointments regularly. She has taught me a lot of facts about Bipolar that I had NO idea about. She told me about the personality issues that come along with the disorder and everything started making sense why we weren't getting along so well all the time.

Some of the key symptoms I've learned about include: incomparable irresponsibility, skewed perception of reality, feeling unusually “high” and optimistic OR extremely irritable, unrealistic beliefs about one’s abilities or powers, sleeping very little but feeling extremely energetic, Racing thoughts or jumping quickly from one idea to the next, highly distractible, impaired judgment and impulsiveness, acting recklessly without thinking about the consequences, delusions and hallucinations (in severe cases), feeling hopeless and sad or empty, inability to experience pleasure, fatigue or loss of energy, physical and mental sluggishness, appetite or weight changes, concentration and memory problems, feelings of worthlessness or guilt, thoughts of death or suicide, etc. The list goes on and on and on. You can read more about the behaviors here.

Some of the other things our doctor has informed us about is the fact that most people wouldn't even know that there is something wrong with him. She says that the people who suffer the most are the ones that love them the most or are the closest to them. She told us some incredibly scary statistics about it. She told us that there was a study done among Bipolars regarding marriage. Of 10,000 Bipolars studied...8,500 of them were divorced from their spouses within the first 3 years. The odds of a marriage lasting with one of the partners with this illness are so scary to think about. She told us that the majority of people with Bipolar end up committing suicide. They are prone to alcoholism and drug abuse. They are most of the time non-compliant with medication. Their sex drives are out of control (she calls this the Koala Bear effect...holds on and never lets go...haha...I thought that was a funny way to put it). They usually are the meanest to their spouses...not just mean, either, flat out horrible. There are SO many symptoms/behaviors involved with this disorder. Sometimes they are incredibly productive and energetic and happy (manic phase) and sometimes they are so depressed and unable to function (depressive phase). Sometimes they can be a little of both (mixed phase).

I have seen almost every symptom full force with Jonathan. It is incredibly hard to deal with. Sometimes we get along so well and sometimes it's unbearable to be in the same room. The reason I am posting all of this information is partly because I have been trying to keep this pretty quiet because I felt that it would be burdening others to talk about it (and honestly all that has been doing is burdening me). I also feel that it is necessary for my friends and family to understand me and why I act strangely sometimes or why he acts strangely sometimes. This is not something that will just go away. It's a constant battle and the more I read about it the more I learn that. I came across this site tonight after a small fight that we had and I honestly have learned a lot about how important it is to educate yourself and your family and friends about the illness.

I never realized how much support I needed and I think another part of the reason why I am posting this tonight is because I NEED the support and understanding of my loved ones. Dealing with this quietly and on my own has only made me feel isolated from the rest of the world. I have learned from this that I need to seek support and help for myself if I'm ever going to be successful at helping Jonathan with his illness and keeping our marriage from falling apart. Things have been pretty hard for us lately so we are trying to take the next steps. Jonathan will be seeing a Psychiatrist in September to better diagnose and medicate as opposed to seeing a family practitioner who doesn't specialize in mental illness. He starts therapy on Monday afternoon (which my doctor would also like me to join him in doing so I can help him and myself) which will help him learn to express himself in a more calm manner instead of screaming at me all the time or ignoring me completely. I am really trying to look for ways that I can find support for myself like maybe joining a support group or finding better/healthier ways to live so it can help us both be strong enough to get through the rough times of the disorder. We are both trying to make an effort to treat this so that we can have a more normal lifestyle. It won't ever really be normal but we can try to make it a little closer to normal.

I just wanted to let my family and friends know that although I may be acting anti-social or withdrawn...it's one hundred percent because I am dealing with this disorder and I am not just being difficult for no reason. I think, for me, some of the hardest parts of this are people think that I'm the one causing problems at home and I'm the one who makes life difficult for us but it really only looks that way because Jonathan can't express his feelings or thoughts openly with anyone. Not because he's scared but because he doesn't know how. He doesn't even realize how he's treating others most of the time. I have heard all sorts of marriage advice from people around me that think I'm just not being a good wife or that I'm not doing my best to be what he needs and really it is the disorder wreaking havoc on us.

I really hope that you understand what I'm trying to say. I'm not here to get a pity party or to burden anyone with my issues. I just felt it necessary and important to voice what we've been going through so that we aren't misunderstood any further. I am very often misunderstood and I just wanted and needed to get this out. We need the love and support from our families and friends. I may sound very negative to some of you but I am honestly feeling optimistic about the whole thing. It's hard to deal with on a day to day basis, yes, but I do think that if we continue to seek treatment and work on finding ways to cope with it then we will be just fine. I really struggle with this but I am strong and I am determined to get through this. I have to come to terms with the fact that he will never be cured...we can only treat the symptoms so they aren't as extreme. This isn't something that will just go away with time and medication but we're hoping that it won't be as intense if we treat it properly and get the help we need. Thank you so much for reading this...I know it's a long post but it's very important to me that others are "kept in the loop" about things. I am not a secretive person. I am an open book and maybe I'm a little too open for most people but it's part of who I am. Thank you for listening to me for so long. I really do appreciate anyone who reads this. I know that not many people do. Thanks to those who are supporting me by reading and commenting on my blog. It means more to me than you could ever know.

AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm really beginning to feel the pressure!!! It's the final countdown to the wedding day and I'm feeling so many emotions! I'm so excited, stressed, scared, happy, anxious, etc...the list goes on and on. We've worked so incredibly hard on this and we've come so far. Now it's crunch time and things are getting incredibly tense for me. Part of me is really excited and calm and part of me is chaotic and scared. This is such a HUGE step for me...I thought it was scary the first time I got married...second time around is far more terrifying. Don't get me wrong...I'm SUPER excited but I can't help but feel nervous! I scheduled myself off only one day before the wedding...I'm really starting to regret that. I work Monday and Tuesday and I'm wishing I gave myself those two days to run all of my last minute errands and take care of things at home before the big move and name change process. Hopefully I can get a lot of it done this weekend so I won't feel as stressed come Monday and Tuesday. Now I'm rambling so I'll end this now but I just needed to vent a bit! Wish us luck!!!

Happy New Year!!!

I'm so glad the new year has started!!! I feel like this is a clean break so I can start fresh!!! I am constantly working on myself but I actually do have a few New Year's Resolutions this year! I'm going to try my hardest to be less of a spender and try to pay off debt this year. I'm going to try to be a better person (I've been working on this one since my divorce) and try to be more patient and understanding. I just really want to work harder to make my life better and be more pleasant for those who surround me. I realize that this is a lot to work on but I think I can do it if I just stay positive! Hopefully it works out!!! Wish me luck and enjoy your new year's celebrations!!!

The Total Money Makeover

Jonathan and I just finished listening to the audio book "The Total Money Makeover" by Dave Ramsey. It took us three days because we could only listen to one disc at a time...they're a little over an hour each disc. Let me tell you...this guy is SMART!!! I loved his simple plans and theories and his common sense matches up with mine so much that it's amazing! I loved his plan and his motto of "Live like no one else so later you can live like no one else"! It was awesome!!! We decided to adopt his plan and really work hard at getting ourselves fit financially! I would recommend this book to EVERYONE!!! He's smart and simple and that's what makes his plan work for me. I am so excited because I actually have hope after listening to it. Seriously I think everyone should read it or hear it...even if you don't adopt the plan into your own life at least you could maybe learn a thing or two from it! I'm so excited to start my money makeover and maybe get myself in a place I want to be instead of a place I have to be. :D

My Plan For Healing

Sorry it's been so long since I've even looked at blogger! I've been super busy with work and what not. Things are going well here! I'm not sure if I have really updated you guys in a while. I am still working at the bank full time trying to get out of debt from the divorce and I'm finally starting to see some progress even though it's small progress, it's progress! I'm now dating a guy I met online a few years back named Jonathan and he treats me better than I've ever been treated even though we both have our issues! He's a chef from Michigan and he works at LDS Hospital as the head chef....he mostly does the room service side of it but he helps with the cafeteria and does caterings and things like that. He loves it and that's what matters! We started casually dating when he moved to Utah in June last year and so far it's been awesome! We've had some really rocky roads and some pretty incredible fights but we always work through them somehow. He's adorable and he treats me really well...even though I have a lot of crap to deal with! Haha! I'm lucky to have him in my life and I'm thankful for him every day.

The past few months I've just been working on a plan to get myself well from my past not only financially but emotionally, physically, mentally, etc. I think I've grown a lot in the past two years since the divorce and it's definitely made me stronger. Even though I still have weak times I seem to get through them a little bit faster every time. Jonathan is trying to get me to go to the gym with him because he thinks it'd be incredibly beneficial to my healing process...I agree completely with the theory but OH MY GOSH IS IT HARD?!! I have always hated exercising...I'll admit it!! I am super lazy and I like being super lazy!!! Haha!! I know it's best for me so we've decided to go just once a week. We started three weeks ago...I have been to the gym once in the three weeks we've been going!!! LOL!!!! Ooops!!! Guess I'll need a little more motivation to conquer this venture of mine!!!

So my plan for improving myself is as follows:

Financially-Put every extra penny I can towards my debts and don't purchase anything I don't have the money for right here right now! If it's not already in my bank account...it's not going on my cards!

Physically-Stick to my goal of going to the gym once a week and slowly progressing to go more often throughout the week. This is exceptionally hard for me given my work really exhausts me and scheduling isn't easy when you're tired already. I have to remember that even though I'm tired now...I'll be much more energetic later if I just stick with it!

Emotionally-Take time out for myself every once in a while to just focus on my own emotional well being. I have to give myself credit for things I do right and stop beating myself up til I can't take anymore when I mess up....I need to allow myself some room to make mistakes and forgive myself when I do have a lapse.

Mentally-Take a break from everything sometimes. Sometimes I just need to relax and not do a thing that will constantly fill up my brain with junk to keep myself from breaking down. Maybe then the breakdowns won't be as climatic and they'll even out more so I won't feel like I'm starting at square one every time. I need to quiet my brain for a while every so often.

Another thing I'd like to work on is my friendships and relationships with my family. Having a good support system and being able to share each one's experiences and triumphs and joys is something I've always wanted to be able to do. I feel it's incredibly important to make the ones you love feel important by being there for them and reaching out to them. If you're reaching out to your loved ones it closes the gap so that they can reach back comfortably.

I'm hoping that my plan works and really helps me to grow as a person. I know I'm not perfect and probably never will be but I need to get myself to a place where I can feel comfortable with who I am. I hope that this will help me be a better person and better friend, daughter, and sister. I love you all and appreciate you all with all my heart even if I show it poorly if at all. Thanks for listening to my rattlings! It really does mean a lot to me.

Invisible

Do you ever feel invisible? I do.