My Husband Has Bipolar Disorder...It's Hard But I Love Him

So lately my friends and family have probably thought that I am crazy because I'm either really high up or really low and depressed. I was only telling close friends and family about this because I felt that it was something that didn't need to be public knowledge or that it was something that I could handle on my own. I am finding more and more every day that I need help and support just as much as he needs help. Bipolar Disorder is a HORRIBLE mental illness that not very many people understand. Sure you hear that they have vicious mood swings but they don't really realize how difficult or serious it really is until you have had to live with it day in and day out. I am still learning about it and I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the issues that arise from it.

Jonathan was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder a few months after we got engaged so it was a little less than a year ago. He has what's called Rapid Cycle Bipolar Disorder. I have to admit that it was an incredibly hard thing to take. We had always struggled in our relationship...even when we were dating. We would have times where everything was amazing and we got along perfectly and there were times that I didn't even think I could possibly consider marrying him. We would fight the most intense fights I've ever fought in my life. I thought he had a temper problem. I was so wrong. Even when he was diagnosed I didn't really realize what I was getting myself into. I just thought, "Oh...intense mood swings...I can handle that" but I was so wrong.

The doctor decided to start him out on Lamictal which is a mood stabilizer also used for people with epilepsy. She also prescribed an anti-depressant that many of you have heard of, I'm sure, Zoloft. I noticed an IMMEDIATE difference. The mood swings got a little less intense and they were spread a tiny bit further apart. Since he was diagnosed and is now being treated for Bipolar I am trying to research more into the disease itself. The doctor also recommended that I come to ALL of his appointments because one of the problems with Bipolar is that their perceptions are completely off and they can't see what is really happening in life. I started going with him to his doctor appointments regularly. She has taught me a lot of facts about Bipolar that I had NO idea about. She told me about the personality issues that come along with the disorder and everything started making sense why we weren't getting along so well all the time.

Some of the key symptoms I've learned about include: incomparable irresponsibility, skewed perception of reality, feeling unusually “high” and optimistic OR extremely irritable, unrealistic beliefs about one’s abilities or powers, sleeping very little but feeling extremely energetic, Racing thoughts or jumping quickly from one idea to the next, highly distractible, impaired judgment and impulsiveness, acting recklessly without thinking about the consequences, delusions and hallucinations (in severe cases), feeling hopeless and sad or empty, inability to experience pleasure, fatigue or loss of energy, physical and mental sluggishness, appetite or weight changes, concentration and memory problems, feelings of worthlessness or guilt, thoughts of death or suicide, etc. The list goes on and on and on. You can read more about the behaviors here.

Some of the other things our doctor has informed us about is the fact that most people wouldn't even know that there is something wrong with him. She says that the people who suffer the most are the ones that love them the most or are the closest to them. She told us some incredibly scary statistics about it. She told us that there was a study done among Bipolars regarding marriage. Of 10,000 Bipolars studied...8,500 of them were divorced from their spouses within the first 3 years. The odds of a marriage lasting with one of the partners with this illness are so scary to think about. She told us that the majority of people with Bipolar end up committing suicide. They are prone to alcoholism and drug abuse. They are most of the time non-compliant with medication. Their sex drives are out of control (she calls this the Koala Bear effect...holds on and never lets go...haha...I thought that was a funny way to put it). They usually are the meanest to their spouses...not just mean, either, flat out horrible. There are SO many symptoms/behaviors involved with this disorder. Sometimes they are incredibly productive and energetic and happy (manic phase) and sometimes they are so depressed and unable to function (depressive phase). Sometimes they can be a little of both (mixed phase).

I have seen almost every symptom full force with Jonathan. It is incredibly hard to deal with. Sometimes we get along so well and sometimes it's unbearable to be in the same room. The reason I am posting all of this information is partly because I have been trying to keep this pretty quiet because I felt that it would be burdening others to talk about it (and honestly all that has been doing is burdening me). I also feel that it is necessary for my friends and family to understand me and why I act strangely sometimes or why he acts strangely sometimes. This is not something that will just go away. It's a constant battle and the more I read about it the more I learn that. I came across this site tonight after a small fight that we had and I honestly have learned a lot about how important it is to educate yourself and your family and friends about the illness.

I never realized how much support I needed and I think another part of the reason why I am posting this tonight is because I NEED the support and understanding of my loved ones. Dealing with this quietly and on my own has only made me feel isolated from the rest of the world. I have learned from this that I need to seek support and help for myself if I'm ever going to be successful at helping Jonathan with his illness and keeping our marriage from falling apart. Things have been pretty hard for us lately so we are trying to take the next steps. Jonathan will be seeing a Psychiatrist in September to better diagnose and medicate as opposed to seeing a family practitioner who doesn't specialize in mental illness. He starts therapy on Monday afternoon (which my doctor would also like me to join him in doing so I can help him and myself) which will help him learn to express himself in a more calm manner instead of screaming at me all the time or ignoring me completely. I am really trying to look for ways that I can find support for myself like maybe joining a support group or finding better/healthier ways to live so it can help us both be strong enough to get through the rough times of the disorder. We are both trying to make an effort to treat this so that we can have a more normal lifestyle. It won't ever really be normal but we can try to make it a little closer to normal.

I just wanted to let my family and friends know that although I may be acting anti-social or withdrawn...it's one hundred percent because I am dealing with this disorder and I am not just being difficult for no reason. I think, for me, some of the hardest parts of this are people think that I'm the one causing problems at home and I'm the one who makes life difficult for us but it really only looks that way because Jonathan can't express his feelings or thoughts openly with anyone. Not because he's scared but because he doesn't know how. He doesn't even realize how he's treating others most of the time. I have heard all sorts of marriage advice from people around me that think I'm just not being a good wife or that I'm not doing my best to be what he needs and really it is the disorder wreaking havoc on us.

I really hope that you understand what I'm trying to say. I'm not here to get a pity party or to burden anyone with my issues. I just felt it necessary and important to voice what we've been going through so that we aren't misunderstood any further. I am very often misunderstood and I just wanted and needed to get this out. We need the love and support from our families and friends. I may sound very negative to some of you but I am honestly feeling optimistic about the whole thing. It's hard to deal with on a day to day basis, yes, but I do think that if we continue to seek treatment and work on finding ways to cope with it then we will be just fine. I really struggle with this but I am strong and I am determined to get through this. I have to come to terms with the fact that he will never be cured...we can only treat the symptoms so they aren't as extreme. This isn't something that will just go away with time and medication but we're hoping that it won't be as intense if we treat it properly and get the help we need. Thank you so much for reading this...I know it's a long post but it's very important to me that others are "kept in the loop" about things. I am not a secretive person. I am an open book and maybe I'm a little too open for most people but it's part of who I am. Thank you for listening to me for so long. I really do appreciate anyone who reads this. I know that not many people do. Thanks to those who are supporting me by reading and commenting on my blog. It means more to me than you could ever know.

Colonoscopy & Audit In The Same Week...NO FUN...But Karma Can Be Sweet!

So I had a sorta rough week this week. Monday I was forced to consume only clear liquids....I wasn't allowed ANY solid foods in preparation for my colonoscopy on Tuesday morning. I have never taken a laxative before and man I could definitely live without it...I was SO sick all day and night on Monday.

On Tuesday I woke up and was almost excited to get to the hospital for the procedure! I wanted to feel better again and I hadn't slept that night before so being put to sleep and feeling better when I woke up sounded incredibly amazing to me! I got to the hospital and they got me all checked in and asleep I went....AHHHH, BLISS!!! I guess when I was starting to come to I started groaning like my body was saying..."PLEASE DON'T WAKE ME UP!!!" I do that on mornings when it's time to wake up and I REALLY wish I could stay asleep. I got home and rested as much as I could but I still wasn't feeling great. Better, but not great.

Wednesday I went back to work. I was scheduled for an open to close shift. On my way to work I received a text from my coworker that she thinks that the auditors are in the parking lot. OH GREAT!!! Come back from a medical procedure to a crappy shift AND auditors!!! It is an incredibly stressful day when you have auditors at work because they follow you around all day long to make sure you are doing your job right and they breathe down your neck while they search for any mistakes that you make. They interview you and ask you all these questions one on one and it is incredibly intimidating. I got scared...and I said some REALLY stupid answers because of it. Thank goodness our auditor had mercy on me because she watched me more than the rest of the tellers since I'm the vault teller and have more responsibility than the rest of them and she saw that I really do know what I'm doing. She said she'd overlook the few stupid responses I had....WHEW!!!

Today was day 2 of the audit and I felt it went better than day 1. It was still incredibly stressful but at least I had more of my head with me today. It was a VERY long day today but I'm thankful that for me the audit is over. I took tomorrow off as a vacation day a couple weeks ago and I'm SO glad I did. I get to miss out on day 3 of the audit!!! YAY!!! We'll find out the results of the audit (whether we passed or failed) in about 15 days or so. Hopefully we did well.

Off the subject...I had a brush with Karma the other day and I'm LOVING it!!! Ok...every once in a while I curse Karma because it bit me in the butt but it's never been too bad to me...this time...Karma is on MY side!!! So about a week or two ago I applied for a job that I would KILL for...and I didn't even get an interview because of the recruiter. I wrote the recruiter an email saying that I felt she made a mistake, that I believe I'm perfect for the job and that I can do it, etc. She wrote me back an INCREDIBLY condescending email about why she doesn't think I'm qualified and that she thinks that I will not be good for the job, etc. From the way the email sounded...it was like she took offense to my questioning her decision to cut me out of the applicants who were to be interviewed for the position. I didn't write it in an offensive way...I was basically begging her to give me a second chance. She shot me down and then treated me like I was a five year old who didn't know how recruiting worked. So I let it go. I didn't want to keep arguing with her...I told her how I felt and made my peace with her decision to cut me regardless.

Yesterday the woman from the department that I applied for (who was the one who told me to apply in the first place and who was one of the interviewers for that position) went up to Jonathan and told him that ALL of the applicants the recruiter sent her bombed. She said there were 85 applicants and of those 13 of them were sent by the recruiter to be interviewed. They did a phone interview with those 13 and of those 2 of them made it to a formal interview...BOTH of them washed out. They didn't like EITHER ONE!!! So they talked to the recruiter and said they wanted to repost the position lowering the minimum requirements so that they can find someone who will fit the position better than any of the ones she sent them. She also told Jonathan that she wants me to resubmit my resume for the same position and try again. WHAT?!!! Yeah....Karma lady!!! Be nice to people and give people a chance...or at least be respectful of them and don't be so condescending!!! So I resubmitted my resume tonight as soon as the posting showed up again and we'll see how it goes. I would absolutely LOVE this job...it would be perfect!!! It would be a five dollar an hour raise for me and it's 8-5 Mon-Fri with benefits and it's an office setting with nice people and I'd get a desk and a chair (I'm partial to jobs with chairs since they took our chairs away from us at the bank and we are expected to stand for 40 hours a week)!!! I would be ECSTATIC to get that job...or even to get an interview for that job...but I am still happy that not one of those people that she claimed were SO qualified for that job didn't get it. I know that's sorta bad but it's just one of those things. Funny thing is I sorta had a feeling that something was going to happen like that...I thought either the person they hired would get fired or quit within a few weeks because they couldn't handle it or that they wouldn't be able to find someone. I just had that feeling.

I'm feeling incredibly lucky to have a second chance at this job, though. I feel like it's a sign or something. I really think that job would do me a LOT of good. It would be an incredibly experience to have on my resume and it would get me into the medical field which is something I've been wanting to do (especially lately since I discovered the dietetics program). I really hope that this time I get an interview but I'm trying not to get my hopes up again because it will be the same recruiter that I questioned and she may just have it out for me now since she probably feels I insulted her expertise. Hopefully she's better than that, though. I would really like a fair shot at this job!!! Wish me luck!!!

I Hate To Admit It...

But it's true...next Tuesday I'm going in for a Colonoscopy. :-( I'm SO not excited! About four or five years ago I had two emergency surgeries. The first was March 8 (I think) and it was an emergency surgery due to appendicitis...my appendix was about to burst. I was in the hospital for a few days for that one and then exactly ten days later (the 18th) I was chilling out at home still trying to recover from the appendectomy and mid afternoon it hit me... EXCRUCIATING pain in my abdomen AGAIN. I called my now ex-husband to call 911 because he was at work and there was something seriously wrong with me that couldn't wait for him to drive 25 minutes home to pick me up then take me. The ambulance showed up at my apartment and the EMT's came in to see me lying on the floor in a ball writhing. They rushed me to the hospital and I was in the ER for 8 1/2 hours while they ran test after test after test trying to figure out what was wrong with me. They couldn't give me anything much for the pain so that I could describe the pain to them better so they could try to narrow it down but it was the entire abdomen that was killing me so it was pretty pointless. All they could find was a MASSIVE amount of white blood cells working overtime, a pretty large cyst on my left ovary, and that there was food floating freely in my abdomen...NOT good! Finally they called in a surgeon and he, furious that they waited so long to call him, set up and exploratory surgery to find out what was wrong. They prepped me for surgery and then I was out. Two hours later the surgeon went to talk to my ex-husband about his findings. He went in through three small incisions and first he popped the cyst to make sure that wasn't the problem. It wasn't...just a ton of clear fluid. He cleaned out the location of where my appendix used to be of all the dead tissue (which my body would've taken care of eventually anyway). He cleaned out my entire abdomen of all food and digestive fluids that were floating around freely in there and found a hole in my intestine. Yeah...it's a serious condition called Peritonitis. I was pretty close to being on my death bed. He also said that my cecum looked pretty bad so they cut part of that out and fixed the hole in my intestine. I know what you are all thinking...obviously the previous surgeon poked a hole in my intestine in the first surgery...yes...I am a full believer that it is EXACTLY what happened to me. I was in the hospital this time for about two weeks then it took an additional bedrest recovery of about two more weeks. I was in bed for almost an entire month! NOT fun!

Anyway the point of that story is that I was pretty normal and healthy and it seems like that was the turning point for me. Ever since then I've been finding things wrong with my body a lot more. I won't tell you all the details about what I've been dealing with as far as my symptoms but it just seems that I've been getting sick a WHOLE LOT more since then. I haven't really had the funding or the time to pursue it really because of the divorce and my recent marriage (both of which are INCREDIBLY expensive...lol). I mentioned it to my doctor the other night and to my surprise she ordered a colonoscopy to make sure that everything is working properly. I'm beyond nervous for this procedure!!! I am just hoping that it's nothing serious and that if they do find anything it's not going to be a big deal. I'm trying to stay positive about it because it's a little scary when you read about the "complications" that can occur and one of the complications is exactly what happened to me a few years prior. I'm sure everything will be fine but there's just that small shadow of a doubt. I just hope it all goes well...it's not in my hands so I'm trusting the man upstairs to look out for me! :D

On a happier note...I am going for something that I'm super nervous but excited for. I don't want to say just yet what it is because I'm TERRIFIED of jinxing it! I am really putting myself out there and I'm playing the waiting game right now but I'm staying incredibly positive and hopeful about the whole situation. I'm hoping that it works out but even if it doesn't I'm just incredibly proud of myself for doing such a scary thing and really stepping out of my comfort zone!! I am one who has an incredibly hard time with change and it is one of those things that makes me incredibly uncomfortable. I am so glad that I'm pushing myself though. It's good for me to get out of my comfort zone every once in a while and do something risky! Hopefully it all works out, though, and I will be able to disclose it soon! :D Wish me luck!!!!

Man...

I'm starting to feel like I'm posting to an invisible audience.

Wedding Day Pictures Are Here!!!!

I'm SO excited because we just got our wedding pictures back this weekend and they are BEAUTIFUL!!! ShaiLynn is SO talented and she did such a great job!!! She gave us SO many pictures!!! 419 PICTURES!!! I am SO excited!!! Of course I can't post all of those because that is just way too many so HERE are my favorites!!!

That day was absolutely perfect and we really enjoyed seeing everyone there to show their support and love! It was an absolutely PERFECT day!! The flowers that Jacqueline did were absolutely amazing!!! It was so beautiful and I'm so glad that we have these beautiful reminders of what an amazing day that was!!! Thank you ShaiLynn for capturing our perfect day!!! And thank you to everyone else who worked so hard on that day:

Hair & Makeup: Jamie Anderson
Cake: Randi Hillaker (and her mom, Diane, and sister, Katie)
Officiant: Bob Anger (Randi's Dad)
Videographer: Brandon Evans
Catering: LDS Hospital (Special thanks to Nicole Emmett)
DJ: Highspeed DJ (DJ Mark Lofgren)
Our Wedding Party: Tim, Rob, Shaun, Eric, Carl, JB, Heather, Jenny, Amy, Amanda, Wendy, and Laura