My Husband Has Bipolar Disorder...It's Hard But I Love Him

So lately my friends and family have probably thought that I am crazy because I'm either really high up or really low and depressed. I was only telling close friends and family about this because I felt that it was something that didn't need to be public knowledge or that it was something that I could handle on my own. I am finding more and more every day that I need help and support just as much as he needs help. Bipolar Disorder is a HORRIBLE mental illness that not very many people understand. Sure you hear that they have vicious mood swings but they don't really realize how difficult or serious it really is until you have had to live with it day in and day out. I am still learning about it and I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the issues that arise from it.

Jonathan was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder a few months after we got engaged so it was a little less than a year ago. He has what's called Rapid Cycle Bipolar Disorder. I have to admit that it was an incredibly hard thing to take. We had always struggled in our relationship...even when we were dating. We would have times where everything was amazing and we got along perfectly and there were times that I didn't even think I could possibly consider marrying him. We would fight the most intense fights I've ever fought in my life. I thought he had a temper problem. I was so wrong. Even when he was diagnosed I didn't really realize what I was getting myself into. I just thought, "Oh...intense mood swings...I can handle that" but I was so wrong.

The doctor decided to start him out on Lamictal which is a mood stabilizer also used for people with epilepsy. She also prescribed an anti-depressant that many of you have heard of, I'm sure, Zoloft. I noticed an IMMEDIATE difference. The mood swings got a little less intense and they were spread a tiny bit further apart. Since he was diagnosed and is now being treated for Bipolar I am trying to research more into the disease itself. The doctor also recommended that I come to ALL of his appointments because one of the problems with Bipolar is that their perceptions are completely off and they can't see what is really happening in life. I started going with him to his doctor appointments regularly. She has taught me a lot of facts about Bipolar that I had NO idea about. She told me about the personality issues that come along with the disorder and everything started making sense why we weren't getting along so well all the time.

Some of the key symptoms I've learned about include: incomparable irresponsibility, skewed perception of reality, feeling unusually “high” and optimistic OR extremely irritable, unrealistic beliefs about one’s abilities or powers, sleeping very little but feeling extremely energetic, Racing thoughts or jumping quickly from one idea to the next, highly distractible, impaired judgment and impulsiveness, acting recklessly without thinking about the consequences, delusions and hallucinations (in severe cases), feeling hopeless and sad or empty, inability to experience pleasure, fatigue or loss of energy, physical and mental sluggishness, appetite or weight changes, concentration and memory problems, feelings of worthlessness or guilt, thoughts of death or suicide, etc. The list goes on and on and on. You can read more about the behaviors here.

Some of the other things our doctor has informed us about is the fact that most people wouldn't even know that there is something wrong with him. She says that the people who suffer the most are the ones that love them the most or are the closest to them. She told us some incredibly scary statistics about it. She told us that there was a study done among Bipolars regarding marriage. Of 10,000 Bipolars studied...8,500 of them were divorced from their spouses within the first 3 years. The odds of a marriage lasting with one of the partners with this illness are so scary to think about. She told us that the majority of people with Bipolar end up committing suicide. They are prone to alcoholism and drug abuse. They are most of the time non-compliant with medication. Their sex drives are out of control (she calls this the Koala Bear effect...holds on and never lets go...haha...I thought that was a funny way to put it). They usually are the meanest to their spouses...not just mean, either, flat out horrible. There are SO many symptoms/behaviors involved with this disorder. Sometimes they are incredibly productive and energetic and happy (manic phase) and sometimes they are so depressed and unable to function (depressive phase). Sometimes they can be a little of both (mixed phase).

I have seen almost every symptom full force with Jonathan. It is incredibly hard to deal with. Sometimes we get along so well and sometimes it's unbearable to be in the same room. The reason I am posting all of this information is partly because I have been trying to keep this pretty quiet because I felt that it would be burdening others to talk about it (and honestly all that has been doing is burdening me). I also feel that it is necessary for my friends and family to understand me and why I act strangely sometimes or why he acts strangely sometimes. This is not something that will just go away. It's a constant battle and the more I read about it the more I learn that. I came across this site tonight after a small fight that we had and I honestly have learned a lot about how important it is to educate yourself and your family and friends about the illness.

I never realized how much support I needed and I think another part of the reason why I am posting this tonight is because I NEED the support and understanding of my loved ones. Dealing with this quietly and on my own has only made me feel isolated from the rest of the world. I have learned from this that I need to seek support and help for myself if I'm ever going to be successful at helping Jonathan with his illness and keeping our marriage from falling apart. Things have been pretty hard for us lately so we are trying to take the next steps. Jonathan will be seeing a Psychiatrist in September to better diagnose and medicate as opposed to seeing a family practitioner who doesn't specialize in mental illness. He starts therapy on Monday afternoon (which my doctor would also like me to join him in doing so I can help him and myself) which will help him learn to express himself in a more calm manner instead of screaming at me all the time or ignoring me completely. I am really trying to look for ways that I can find support for myself like maybe joining a support group or finding better/healthier ways to live so it can help us both be strong enough to get through the rough times of the disorder. We are both trying to make an effort to treat this so that we can have a more normal lifestyle. It won't ever really be normal but we can try to make it a little closer to normal.

I just wanted to let my family and friends know that although I may be acting anti-social or withdrawn...it's one hundred percent because I am dealing with this disorder and I am not just being difficult for no reason. I think, for me, some of the hardest parts of this are people think that I'm the one causing problems at home and I'm the one who makes life difficult for us but it really only looks that way because Jonathan can't express his feelings or thoughts openly with anyone. Not because he's scared but because he doesn't know how. He doesn't even realize how he's treating others most of the time. I have heard all sorts of marriage advice from people around me that think I'm just not being a good wife or that I'm not doing my best to be what he needs and really it is the disorder wreaking havoc on us.

I really hope that you understand what I'm trying to say. I'm not here to get a pity party or to burden anyone with my issues. I just felt it necessary and important to voice what we've been going through so that we aren't misunderstood any further. I am very often misunderstood and I just wanted and needed to get this out. We need the love and support from our families and friends. I may sound very negative to some of you but I am honestly feeling optimistic about the whole thing. It's hard to deal with on a day to day basis, yes, but I do think that if we continue to seek treatment and work on finding ways to cope with it then we will be just fine. I really struggle with this but I am strong and I am determined to get through this. I have to come to terms with the fact that he will never be cured...we can only treat the symptoms so they aren't as extreme. This isn't something that will just go away with time and medication but we're hoping that it won't be as intense if we treat it properly and get the help we need. Thank you so much for reading this...I know it's a long post but it's very important to me that others are "kept in the loop" about things. I am not a secretive person. I am an open book and maybe I'm a little too open for most people but it's part of who I am. Thank you for listening to me for so long. I really do appreciate anyone who reads this. I know that not many people do. Thanks to those who are supporting me by reading and commenting on my blog. It means more to me than you could ever know.