Monday, September 26, 2011
I DID IT!!!!
We just finished Week 1: Day 1 of the rip:60!!!! I didn't do so great in the morning...cinnamon bears and a Coke for breakfast, Arby's Jr Roast Beef (x2) and a Coke for lunch. But at least I had my water bottle mixed with my fiber in there before lunch...and dinner was healthy...lemon dill swordfish steak, wilted spinach, and balsamic rice!!! Plus I've been snacking on healthy things like yogurt and fruit! :D YAY!!!! OH....AND I KICKED Jonathan's trash on the workout!!! WOOOHOOO!!! GO ME!!!! Honestly...the fact that I worked out at all is what I'm most proud of! The rip:60 is intense!! I'm scared to death!! Week 1 is called Waking Up Your Body. You do that workout for the first week then move up to the next so every week is a new workout for the next 8 weeks. Plus there's 4 additional workouts you can do but they are optional. It also has a great menu plan for a good diet! What an adventure this will be. I've hardly worked out ever and I've NEVER been on a diet...SCARY!!! Oh well...wish me luck!! :D
Sunday, September 11, 2011
We're Getting There
I am so excited!! I got the interview at the Utah State Tax Commission!! It was on Wednesday morning. It went pretty well...I think. The only thing is they told me what the starting pay was and it's .3o less an hour. Kinda a bummer seeing as money seems to be the bane of my existence lately. I hate money. It seems to control so much. NOT ANYMORE!!! I refuse to let myself become a slave to money. I hate money and I am going to learn how to make it work for me instead of working for it. Hence the reason we're starting the Dave Ramsey's Total Money Makeover again. I know that I have posted about it before. We actually were halfway to our goal of Baby Step 1 which is to save $1000 for an emergency savings. We had $500 of our $1000 and then....we got engaged. We spent all of our emergency savings...and then some...on the wedding. WELL worth it but still sad that we are here again...back where we started. But this time we are seriously making a huge commitment to stick to the plan. We are determined to be successful with this. Anyway...next paycheck it all starts!!
As for the job crisis...I'm not exactly sure what I'm going to do. I mean...I REALLY want a job with a better work environment. Banking was never my final job goal. I actually have gone through MANY different job goals in my life. I even studied Barbering/Cosmetology in college. I quit in the 3rd semester even though I only had one semester left til I was 100% completely finished...it just was not for me. I haven't made it back to school yet but I fully intend to someday. Right now the vision is dietetics. I would love to be a clinical dietitian...at the moment...we'll have to see how that pans out. But as for now I'm stuck in banking losing my energy and drive for that job. It's a pretty rough environment to be in...especially these days with how the economy is...nobody has any money and EVERYBODY is on edge. On top of that...I'm REALLY not enjoying the branch I'm at. So I started applying for jobs. Mostly clerical/secretarial jobs. I think I've sent my application in to about a million places and I have had no success. Here's the thing...I am GREAT at interviews. Every job I've ever had an interview for...I've received a job offer. The problem is I have a limited resume. I am great at interviewing but getting the interview is a whole process in itself. I actually had given up on the tax commission job...just like the many other jobs I didn't hear back from. So I had written to one of my previous managers at another branch from earlier in my career before the divorce to see about possibly transferring and forcing a raise upon myself. The reason being I'm sick of my job...even though I'm great at it...and I'm sick of the dismal pay. So I figure if I can't get a job with a better environment I should start trying to pursue getting a raise to even out the bad environment. Basically I've been feeling like I've been working too hard for too little for far too long!
So...the day after I did that, doubting that I'll have a shot at a new job, I got the call to take the data entry test! Talk about bringing hope back into the picture!!! So I went and took the test...still awaiting to hear about the possibility of transfer but basically thinking there's a good chance that won't happen, either. So you may have read earlier that I did pass the test and get the chance to interview for that job. I went into the interview with an idea that the pay would be equal to or more than my current pay. I was wrong. VERY wrong. It's $50 less a month. So immediately I'm disappointed but then after speaking to some friends and family...I began to contemplate whether the move would be plausible...or worth it. I hadn't heard from my old manager in a few weeks so I kinda had a feeling that wasn't going to happen. Then...I randomly sent a text to one of my other friends who works at that branch and SHE brought up the transfer. She told me that all I have to do is request it from my manager and basically it's a done deal. So now I'm in a dilemma. Do I transfer to get out of the branch I'm miserable in to go to a branch that may be a tiny bit better...and I don't even know if I'll get the raise...or do I take the job with a better environment, better schedule, and better dress code but less pay? I've been talking to my family and friends about it. I have been trying to make the best decision for me and my husband. We could be ok with $50 less a month...it will be a little more difficult...but honestly...with everything that's going on with us...Jonathan's illness, my health, our debt, etc...it's really hard to decide. I have been weighing the options...pros and cons...as for now I am leaning towards the paycut for a better environment but we'll have to see. I haven't even been offered the job and I probably won't even hear about it for a week or so but I'm really hoping I get the offer so I have options. I'm nervous. I really hope I get the offer so that maybe I can make a better decision. I will have to keep you updated on it.
Honestly even though I feel as if my life is incredibly unsettled...I still feel that we're getting there. That pretty much sums it up...I feel as if we are getting there. That's what all of this fight is all about...finding our life together and settling into stability...and we're getting there. I finally feel like something good is coming for us. I feel that just around the corner is something good for us. We're getting there. I am so grateful for all the wonderful opportunities that have been presented to us. We are so lucky. We have worked hard for our life together and we still will. At least I'm finally feeling like we're getting there! I am so lucky and I am so excited to have this journey in my life. I can tell already that I am getting stronger and smarter from all of these experiences. Thank heaven for little victories!
As for the job crisis...I'm not exactly sure what I'm going to do. I mean...I REALLY want a job with a better work environment. Banking was never my final job goal. I actually have gone through MANY different job goals in my life. I even studied Barbering/Cosmetology in college. I quit in the 3rd semester even though I only had one semester left til I was 100% completely finished...it just was not for me. I haven't made it back to school yet but I fully intend to someday. Right now the vision is dietetics. I would love to be a clinical dietitian...at the moment...we'll have to see how that pans out. But as for now I'm stuck in banking losing my energy and drive for that job. It's a pretty rough environment to be in...especially these days with how the economy is...nobody has any money and EVERYBODY is on edge. On top of that...I'm REALLY not enjoying the branch I'm at. So I started applying for jobs. Mostly clerical/secretarial jobs. I think I've sent my application in to about a million places and I have had no success. Here's the thing...I am GREAT at interviews. Every job I've ever had an interview for...I've received a job offer. The problem is I have a limited resume. I am great at interviewing but getting the interview is a whole process in itself. I actually had given up on the tax commission job...just like the many other jobs I didn't hear back from. So I had written to one of my previous managers at another branch from earlier in my career before the divorce to see about possibly transferring and forcing a raise upon myself. The reason being I'm sick of my job...even though I'm great at it...and I'm sick of the dismal pay. So I figure if I can't get a job with a better environment I should start trying to pursue getting a raise to even out the bad environment. Basically I've been feeling like I've been working too hard for too little for far too long!
So...the day after I did that, doubting that I'll have a shot at a new job, I got the call to take the data entry test! Talk about bringing hope back into the picture!!! So I went and took the test...still awaiting to hear about the possibility of transfer but basically thinking there's a good chance that won't happen, either. So you may have read earlier that I did pass the test and get the chance to interview for that job. I went into the interview with an idea that the pay would be equal to or more than my current pay. I was wrong. VERY wrong. It's $50 less a month. So immediately I'm disappointed but then after speaking to some friends and family...I began to contemplate whether the move would be plausible...or worth it. I hadn't heard from my old manager in a few weeks so I kinda had a feeling that wasn't going to happen. Then...I randomly sent a text to one of my other friends who works at that branch and SHE brought up the transfer. She told me that all I have to do is request it from my manager and basically it's a done deal. So now I'm in a dilemma. Do I transfer to get out of the branch I'm miserable in to go to a branch that may be a tiny bit better...and I don't even know if I'll get the raise...or do I take the job with a better environment, better schedule, and better dress code but less pay? I've been talking to my family and friends about it. I have been trying to make the best decision for me and my husband. We could be ok with $50 less a month...it will be a little more difficult...but honestly...with everything that's going on with us...Jonathan's illness, my health, our debt, etc...it's really hard to decide. I have been weighing the options...pros and cons...as for now I am leaning towards the paycut for a better environment but we'll have to see. I haven't even been offered the job and I probably won't even hear about it for a week or so but I'm really hoping I get the offer so I have options. I'm nervous. I really hope I get the offer so that maybe I can make a better decision. I will have to keep you updated on it.
Honestly even though I feel as if my life is incredibly unsettled...I still feel that we're getting there. That pretty much sums it up...I feel as if we are getting there. That's what all of this fight is all about...finding our life together and settling into stability...and we're getting there. I finally feel like something good is coming for us. I feel that just around the corner is something good for us. We're getting there. I am so grateful for all the wonderful opportunities that have been presented to us. We are so lucky. We have worked hard for our life together and we still will. At least I'm finally feeling like we're getting there! I am so lucky and I am so excited to have this journey in my life. I can tell already that I am getting stronger and smarter from all of these experiences. Thank heaven for little victories!
Thursday, September 1, 2011
GREAT News!!!
We finally got my car fixed...it needed a new battery!!! THANK GOODNESS that's all it was!!
I also got a call back on a job I applied for about a month ago doing data entry at the Utah State Tax Commission!!! They wanted me to do a data entry test so I went in on Tuesday and did the test. It was HARD!! They had these crazy math questions on part of it which I KNOW I bombed (hahaha) and then the typing tests. I did 9 3-minute tests and I can't remember all of my scores but I do remember getting at least over 10,000 keystrokes average with 99% accuracy...I thought that was pretty good for me. When I finished all the tests I looked around and...yeah...I was the very last person left testing still. I said (yes, out loud) "Man, I'm the last one...that's NOT good!" The HR lady just kinda laughed and gave me my final instructions and I was on my way. I left feeling pretty bummed. I thought I bombed the entire test hardcore!! I went home and pigged out on junk food and applied for 3 or 4 more jobs while I sulked. I got a call the next day from a different HR rep offering me an interview (meaning I passed the test and am still in the running for the job)! YAY!!!! The interview is on Wednesday at 8:30 so wish me luck!!! This job would be awesome because it'd be four 10-hour shifts Monday through Thursday and I'd get to wear regular street clothes (no dress code) and I'd be paid more and I'd be off by 4:30 every single day. It'd also be good for me because I'd be working in the same building as my mom!! I'd be able to be close to her and I think that would be fun! I wouldn't have to deal with customers, I'd actually get to sit down, I wouldn't have to deal with large amounts of cash/responsibilities. It would be such a good environment for me!! I really hope I get it.
Other GREAT news is that I got the results back from the Colposcopy and I don't have cancer!!! They want me to come back in about 6-12 months to do a follow up check to make sure it's going away or gone but so far I'm cancer free!!! YAY!!!!
All in all I am incredibly happy with the past week!!! I'm so excited that things are starting to even out a bit!!! I'm off tomorrow so that means time for me to continue reading my book!!! I'm going to get caught up on things around the house and relax!! I'm so excited!!! Another good thing that happened this week is last night when I got the news that I got offered the chance to interview I came home from work and Jonathan had the table all set up with a coke on ice and our beautiful martini glasses that we received for our wedding with the flowers he'd bought me earlier this week and he had cooked me a beautiful cubed steak dinner with rice and veggies and a side of beans!!! PERFECT dinner!!! After dinner he brought out a beautifully prepared plate of chocolates from Cold Stone Creamery/Rocky Mtn Chocolate Factory!!! YUM!!!! It was such a beautiful night!!! I love him!!!
Anyway...I am just so relieved with all of this great news that we've received this week and I am incredibly happy to have a week of near normalcy!! I wish I would've thought to take pictures of my beautiful dinner last night to post. Oh well...maybe next time!!! It was still a great week and I'm feeling satisfied with it! :D
I also got a call back on a job I applied for about a month ago doing data entry at the Utah State Tax Commission!!! They wanted me to do a data entry test so I went in on Tuesday and did the test. It was HARD!! They had these crazy math questions on part of it which I KNOW I bombed (hahaha) and then the typing tests. I did 9 3-minute tests and I can't remember all of my scores but I do remember getting at least over 10,000 keystrokes average with 99% accuracy...I thought that was pretty good for me. When I finished all the tests I looked around and...yeah...I was the very last person left testing still. I said (yes, out loud) "Man, I'm the last one...that's NOT good!" The HR lady just kinda laughed and gave me my final instructions and I was on my way. I left feeling pretty bummed. I thought I bombed the entire test hardcore!! I went home and pigged out on junk food and applied for 3 or 4 more jobs while I sulked. I got a call the next day from a different HR rep offering me an interview (meaning I passed the test and am still in the running for the job)! YAY!!!! The interview is on Wednesday at 8:30 so wish me luck!!! This job would be awesome because it'd be four 10-hour shifts Monday through Thursday and I'd get to wear regular street clothes (no dress code) and I'd be paid more and I'd be off by 4:30 every single day. It'd also be good for me because I'd be working in the same building as my mom!! I'd be able to be close to her and I think that would be fun! I wouldn't have to deal with customers, I'd actually get to sit down, I wouldn't have to deal with large amounts of cash/responsibilities. It would be such a good environment for me!! I really hope I get it.
Other GREAT news is that I got the results back from the Colposcopy and I don't have cancer!!! They want me to come back in about 6-12 months to do a follow up check to make sure it's going away or gone but so far I'm cancer free!!! YAY!!!!
All in all I am incredibly happy with the past week!!! I'm so excited that things are starting to even out a bit!!! I'm off tomorrow so that means time for me to continue reading my book!!! I'm going to get caught up on things around the house and relax!! I'm so excited!!! Another good thing that happened this week is last night when I got the news that I got offered the chance to interview I came home from work and Jonathan had the table all set up with a coke on ice and our beautiful martini glasses that we received for our wedding with the flowers he'd bought me earlier this week and he had cooked me a beautiful cubed steak dinner with rice and veggies and a side of beans!!! PERFECT dinner!!! After dinner he brought out a beautifully prepared plate of chocolates from Cold Stone Creamery/Rocky Mtn Chocolate Factory!!! YUM!!!! It was such a beautiful night!!! I love him!!!
Anyway...I am just so relieved with all of this great news that we've received this week and I am incredibly happy to have a week of near normalcy!! I wish I would've thought to take pictures of my beautiful dinner last night to post. Oh well...maybe next time!!! It was still a great week and I'm feeling satisfied with it! :D
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Update!
Sorry...it's been pretty crazy around here for us. I just wanted to write a quick update. I'm still working hard at the bank and we recently had our audit which we passed (THANK GOODNESS!!!). Jonathan is still loving his job as head chef at the hospital.
We're still working on getting Jonathan's bipolar disorder under control. We've been working on getting into a routine because I've been reading some awesome books that are helping us out with the disorder and handling it. THIS BOOK has been my favorite so far! I'm currently reading THIS BOOK to learn more about different types of ways to manage the disease. I'm liking it so far but I'm not that far into it. (To keep up on what I'm reading currently click HERE) We've had a few rough patches on our journey to stability but I honestly feel like we've been making some progress which is GREAT!! Any progress is good progress! We are still working on getting into the therapist regularly but hopefully when that happens it'll make things a little easier on us. I'm thinking of joining a support group that meets about once a month to get my own support through it but we'll see. We also are trying to make his sleep schedule regularized and we're working on getting our diet and exercise figured out to be healthier. The healthier we are, the easier managing bipolar is. We'll keep you updated on our progress.
We are also currently dealing with my health issues, still, and it's a little slow going but we're trying to get it under control. My stomach issues are now determined by the doctors as unknown. They say that I do not have Celiac (gluten intolerant) so that's good news ( I LOVE gluten products)! I had my wonderful yearly exam a few weeks back and usually I get no calls back...just a postcard saying it came back normal. This time, however, I got a call from my doctor saying that they found some abnormalities that are pre-cancer cells in my cervix. They referred me to a specialist to do a colposcopy to look into it further. I took the news pretty hard because I feel like everything is hitting me all at once lately with work, money, dr's, and cars. It's just a test...that's all I have to think of it as. I got the test done on Thursday the 25th. They took two biopsies and sent them to the pathology lab so we're still waiting on the results. We are optimistic about it. We think it's nothing major so hopefully we are right. :D I'll let you know how those results are when we get them back.
When I got in my car the other day to go to my colposcopy...yeah...my car wouldn't start. So Jonathan had to rush out of work to come and get me and take me to the appointment himself. It wasn't such fun because they suggested I take 400-600 mg of Ibuprofen before the appointment to help relieve the pain that will be caused by the test. I didn't have any Ibuprofen so I was planning to leave way early so I could stop at the store and take some beforehand but when my car wouldn't start...that plan went out the window. I had to do it without any medication so it was kinda painful but I survived. We still don't know what's going on with my car. Jonathan got it to start but there is definitely a problem that needs to be fixed. PLUS his car's windshield was attacked by a rock on the freeway and it took a good chunk of glass out of it causing a spider-like chip in the windshield. There is now a crack spreading from there on both sides of the chip and it will soon be the entire length of the windshield. On top of that every time Jonathan's car turns it makes a knocking noise...NOT GOOD! Guess we'll be spending a lot of time at the mechanic shops over the next few months. Hopefully these car problems aren't too serious.
I applied for a job a few weeks back at the Utah State Tax Commission doing data entry and I got a call back for that last week. I'm going in on Tuesday for a data entry typing test so we'll see how that goes. I'm hoping for an interview because that job would be AWESOME for me. I would work four 10's and be off by 4:30 every night. Every weekend would be a 3-day weekend!! Plus I'd get paid more and could wear my regular street clothes...no dress code to follow. I'd be able to just plug in my iPod and work away...no customers to worry about, no standing all day, no lifting heavy boxes of coin, etc. I'm sure it'll be an incredibly boring job but I really wouldn't mind that! I'm excited to see how this goes for me. I honestly think it would be a great thing for us.
Now you know what we've been up to lately...it's been crazy but honestly we are feeling pretty positive about everything in the midst of all of this chaos so that's a really good thing! We are definitely tired and feeling pretty worn but to be feeling positive about everything that is happening is truly a relief. We're just trying to take it day by day and so far it's working pretty well for us. I promise I will try to keep up on this better...it's just been hard because it's like we have SO much going on I don't even know where to start blogging. Hopefully the next few weeks will bring some relief to our situations in life. As soon as the car situation and the doctor visits start slowing we are bound and determined to restart the Dave Ramsey's Total Money Makeover plan again. Gaining control over our finances will help our stress levels so much and we've been anxious to get started on that again. I'll probably be posting more about that progress as well. Thanks for reading my blog....I really appreciate you for caring enough to check in on us!
We're still working on getting Jonathan's bipolar disorder under control. We've been working on getting into a routine because I've been reading some awesome books that are helping us out with the disorder and handling it. THIS BOOK has been my favorite so far! I'm currently reading THIS BOOK to learn more about different types of ways to manage the disease. I'm liking it so far but I'm not that far into it. (To keep up on what I'm reading currently click HERE) We've had a few rough patches on our journey to stability but I honestly feel like we've been making some progress which is GREAT!! Any progress is good progress! We are still working on getting into the therapist regularly but hopefully when that happens it'll make things a little easier on us. I'm thinking of joining a support group that meets about once a month to get my own support through it but we'll see. We also are trying to make his sleep schedule regularized and we're working on getting our diet and exercise figured out to be healthier. The healthier we are, the easier managing bipolar is. We'll keep you updated on our progress.
We are also currently dealing with my health issues, still, and it's a little slow going but we're trying to get it under control. My stomach issues are now determined by the doctors as unknown. They say that I do not have Celiac (gluten intolerant) so that's good news ( I LOVE gluten products)! I had my wonderful yearly exam a few weeks back and usually I get no calls back...just a postcard saying it came back normal. This time, however, I got a call from my doctor saying that they found some abnormalities that are pre-cancer cells in my cervix. They referred me to a specialist to do a colposcopy to look into it further. I took the news pretty hard because I feel like everything is hitting me all at once lately with work, money, dr's, and cars. It's just a test...that's all I have to think of it as. I got the test done on Thursday the 25th. They took two biopsies and sent them to the pathology lab so we're still waiting on the results. We are optimistic about it. We think it's nothing major so hopefully we are right. :D I'll let you know how those results are when we get them back.
When I got in my car the other day to go to my colposcopy...yeah...my car wouldn't start. So Jonathan had to rush out of work to come and get me and take me to the appointment himself. It wasn't such fun because they suggested I take 400-600 mg of Ibuprofen before the appointment to help relieve the pain that will be caused by the test. I didn't have any Ibuprofen so I was planning to leave way early so I could stop at the store and take some beforehand but when my car wouldn't start...that plan went out the window. I had to do it without any medication so it was kinda painful but I survived. We still don't know what's going on with my car. Jonathan got it to start but there is definitely a problem that needs to be fixed. PLUS his car's windshield was attacked by a rock on the freeway and it took a good chunk of glass out of it causing a spider-like chip in the windshield. There is now a crack spreading from there on both sides of the chip and it will soon be the entire length of the windshield. On top of that every time Jonathan's car turns it makes a knocking noise...NOT GOOD! Guess we'll be spending a lot of time at the mechanic shops over the next few months. Hopefully these car problems aren't too serious.
I applied for a job a few weeks back at the Utah State Tax Commission doing data entry and I got a call back for that last week. I'm going in on Tuesday for a data entry typing test so we'll see how that goes. I'm hoping for an interview because that job would be AWESOME for me. I would work four 10's and be off by 4:30 every night. Every weekend would be a 3-day weekend!! Plus I'd get paid more and could wear my regular street clothes...no dress code to follow. I'd be able to just plug in my iPod and work away...no customers to worry about, no standing all day, no lifting heavy boxes of coin, etc. I'm sure it'll be an incredibly boring job but I really wouldn't mind that! I'm excited to see how this goes for me. I honestly think it would be a great thing for us.
Now you know what we've been up to lately...it's been crazy but honestly we are feeling pretty positive about everything in the midst of all of this chaos so that's a really good thing! We are definitely tired and feeling pretty worn but to be feeling positive about everything that is happening is truly a relief. We're just trying to take it day by day and so far it's working pretty well for us. I promise I will try to keep up on this better...it's just been hard because it's like we have SO much going on I don't even know where to start blogging. Hopefully the next few weeks will bring some relief to our situations in life. As soon as the car situation and the doctor visits start slowing we are bound and determined to restart the Dave Ramsey's Total Money Makeover plan again. Gaining control over our finances will help our stress levels so much and we've been anxious to get started on that again. I'll probably be posting more about that progress as well. Thanks for reading my blog....I really appreciate you for caring enough to check in on us!
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Sometimes I Feel Like I'm Going Crazy
I just have such a hard time juggling responsibilities sometimes. I wonder how so many people can get anything done when they're working full time among all the other every day responsibilities that come along with being an adult. It's hard to cope with everything sometimes. I sure could use a long vacation and some extra funds to help our situation out. Man I'm worn out.
Thursday, August 4, 2011
Colonoscopy Results & First Day Of Therapy
The results are in for my colonoscopy...everything looks healthy...so far. They want to do some more blood work (how much more blood are doctors going to take from me?!!) to see if I have Celiac...an intolerance to Gluten products. I got the paperwork the other day to take to the lab and I'm going to try to get in on Saturday morning so they can draw even more blood from me to run tests. Since the colonoscopy came out normal, both on the regular colonoscopy and the biopsies, they think that the reason I'm sick all the time is because I may have this gluten intolerance which means that anything with wheat, barley, or rye will be off my menu permanently. SAD!!!! You can read more about Celiac Disease HERE. I am getting really nervous about why I'm sick all the time. I just hope it's nothing too serious. Between Jonathan's Bipolar and my poor health...we are at the doctor's office A LOT! The thing that's frustrating is that I used to be so healthy all the time. I NEVER got sick. I rarely felt under the weather and I never had to go to the dr more than my yearly woman appointments. No it seems like I'm in the doctor's office once a week or so. Oh well...hopefully they'll find out what's wrong with my body soon so I don't have to keep going all the time.
Jonathan's first day of therapy was on Monday afternoon. I was so upset because I was stuck at work and couldn't get out of it and it's really important that I go with him to therapy. I know that most people disagree with spouses going to therapy together unless it's couples therapy but with bipolar it's different. Most of the time bipolars don't pay attention or don't remember everything that is told to them and they can only remember bits and pieces of conversations. Sometimes they flat out don't comply so it's VERY important that someone who lives with them or is close to them goes with them regularly to make sure they are complying. On top of that bipolar is a very outward disease so a lot of times they don't even notice their own behavior...it's like they have tunnel vision and can't focus on anyone but themselves and how they are feeling. Luckily Jonathan's therapist let him record the session on his phone for me to listen to later. Most therapists won't do that for liability reasons but she knew how important it was that I am involved in the therapy process. Anyway...the session went incredibly well. It was basically Jonathan giving her his history and background. She recommended a book called "Loving Someone With Bipolar" which I'm eager to pick up so I can start reading! I think it's helping us just to know that we are taking more steps to further our progress and to get the support we need to make our marriage successful and to help us both in healing and moving forward. I have been having a REALLY rough time trying to get my schedule to work out with the therapist's but I can't wait until I can get in! I'm so lucky that Jonathan is complying so far with his medication and therapy treatments! I think that is what keeps me going...knowing that I'm important enough to him to push him to keep going. We'll keep you updated on the therapy progress as much as we can.
Life is so crazy right now with all this work and doctor stuff. I'm really trying to keep open about this which Jonathan is a big fan of because he knows how important it is for me to get the help and support I need and to be able to share our progress and our feelings openly. I'm making a huge effort to keep positive about things even though it's a really tough spot we're in. We're staying hopeful and just pushing forward. Hopefully we'll have a normal-ish life in the future and things won't be so intense. Wish us luck!!!
Jonathan's first day of therapy was on Monday afternoon. I was so upset because I was stuck at work and couldn't get out of it and it's really important that I go with him to therapy. I know that most people disagree with spouses going to therapy together unless it's couples therapy but with bipolar it's different. Most of the time bipolars don't pay attention or don't remember everything that is told to them and they can only remember bits and pieces of conversations. Sometimes they flat out don't comply so it's VERY important that someone who lives with them or is close to them goes with them regularly to make sure they are complying. On top of that bipolar is a very outward disease so a lot of times they don't even notice their own behavior...it's like they have tunnel vision and can't focus on anyone but themselves and how they are feeling. Luckily Jonathan's therapist let him record the session on his phone for me to listen to later. Most therapists won't do that for liability reasons but she knew how important it was that I am involved in the therapy process. Anyway...the session went incredibly well. It was basically Jonathan giving her his history and background. She recommended a book called "Loving Someone With Bipolar" which I'm eager to pick up so I can start reading! I think it's helping us just to know that we are taking more steps to further our progress and to get the support we need to make our marriage successful and to help us both in healing and moving forward. I have been having a REALLY rough time trying to get my schedule to work out with the therapist's but I can't wait until I can get in! I'm so lucky that Jonathan is complying so far with his medication and therapy treatments! I think that is what keeps me going...knowing that I'm important enough to him to push him to keep going. We'll keep you updated on the therapy progress as much as we can.
Life is so crazy right now with all this work and doctor stuff. I'm really trying to keep open about this which Jonathan is a big fan of because he knows how important it is for me to get the help and support I need and to be able to share our progress and our feelings openly. I'm making a huge effort to keep positive about things even though it's a really tough spot we're in. We're staying hopeful and just pushing forward. Hopefully we'll have a normal-ish life in the future and things won't be so intense. Wish us luck!!!
Sunday, July 31, 2011
My Husband Has Bipolar Disorder...It's Hard But I Love Him
So lately my friends and family have probably thought that I am crazy because I'm either really high up or really low and depressed. I was only telling close friends and family about this because I felt that it was something that didn't need to be public knowledge or that it was something that I could handle on my own. I am finding more and more every day that I need help and support just as much as he needs help. Bipolar Disorder is a HORRIBLE mental illness that not very many people understand. Sure you hear that they have vicious mood swings but they don't really realize how difficult or serious it really is until you have had to live with it day in and day out. I am still learning about it and I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the issues that arise from it.
Jonathan was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder a few months after we got engaged so it was a little less than a year ago. He has what's called Rapid Cycle Bipolar Disorder. I have to admit that it was an incredibly hard thing to take. We had always struggled in our relationship...even when we were dating. We would have times where everything was amazing and we got along perfectly and there were times that I didn't even think I could possibly consider marrying him. We would fight the most intense fights I've ever fought in my life. I thought he had a temper problem. I was so wrong. Even when he was diagnosed I didn't really realize what I was getting myself into. I just thought, "Oh...intense mood swings...I can handle that" but I was so wrong.
The doctor decided to start him out on Lamictal which is a mood stabilizer also used for people with epilepsy. She also prescribed an anti-depressant that many of you have heard of, I'm sure, Zoloft. I noticed an IMMEDIATE difference. The mood swings got a little less intense and they were spread a tiny bit further apart. Since he was diagnosed and is now being treated for Bipolar I am trying to research more into the disease itself. The doctor also recommended that I come to ALL of his appointments because one of the problems with Bipolar is that their perceptions are completely off and they can't see what is really happening in life. I started going with him to his doctor appointments regularly. She has taught me a lot of facts about Bipolar that I had NO idea about. She told me about the personality issues that come along with the disorder and everything started making sense why we weren't getting along so well all the time.
Some of the key symptoms I've learned about include: incomparable irresponsibility, skewed perception of reality, feeling unusually “high” and optimistic OR extremely irritable, unrealistic beliefs about one’s abilities or powers, sleeping very little but feeling extremely energetic, Racing thoughts or jumping quickly from one idea to the next, highly distractible, impaired judgment and impulsiveness, acting recklessly without thinking about the consequences, delusions and hallucinations (in severe cases), feeling hopeless and sad or empty, inability to experience pleasure, fatigue or loss of energy, physical and mental sluggishness, appetite or weight changes, concentration and memory problems, feelings of worthlessness or guilt, thoughts of death or suicide, etc. The list goes on and on and on. You can read more about the behaviors here.
Some of the other things our doctor has informed us about is the fact that most people wouldn't even know that there is something wrong with him. She says that the people who suffer the most are the ones that love them the most or are the closest to them. She told us some incredibly scary statistics about it. She told us that there was a study done among Bipolars regarding marriage. Of 10,000 Bipolars studied...8,500 of them were divorced from their spouses within the first 3 years. The odds of a marriage lasting with one of the partners with this illness are so scary to think about. She told us that the majority of people with Bipolar end up committing suicide. They are prone to alcoholism and drug abuse. They are most of the time non-compliant with medication. Their sex drives are out of control (she calls this the Koala Bear effect...holds on and never lets go...haha...I thought that was a funny way to put it). They usually are the meanest to their spouses...not just mean, either, flat out horrible. There are SO many symptoms/behaviors involved with this disorder. Sometimes they are incredibly productive and energetic and happy (manic phase) and sometimes they are so depressed and unable to function (depressive phase). Sometimes they can be a little of both (mixed phase).
I have seen almost every symptom full force with Jonathan. It is incredibly hard to deal with. Sometimes we get along so well and sometimes it's unbearable to be in the same room. The reason I am posting all of this information is partly because I have been trying to keep this pretty quiet because I felt that it would be burdening others to talk about it (and honestly all that has been doing is burdening me). I also feel that it is necessary for my friends and family to understand me and why I act strangely sometimes or why he acts strangely sometimes. This is not something that will just go away. It's a constant battle and the more I read about it the more I learn that. I came across this site tonight after a small fight that we had and I honestly have learned a lot about how important it is to educate yourself and your family and friends about the illness.
I never realized how much support I needed and I think another part of the reason why I am posting this tonight is because I NEED the support and understanding of my loved ones. Dealing with this quietly and on my own has only made me feel isolated from the rest of the world. I have learned from this that I need to seek support and help for myself if I'm ever going to be successful at helping Jonathan with his illness and keeping our marriage from falling apart. Things have been pretty hard for us lately so we are trying to take the next steps. Jonathan will be seeing a Psychiatrist in September to better diagnose and medicate as opposed to seeing a family practitioner who doesn't specialize in mental illness. He starts therapy on Monday afternoon (which my doctor would also like me to join him in doing so I can help him and myself) which will help him learn to express himself in a more calm manner instead of screaming at me all the time or ignoring me completely. I am really trying to look for ways that I can find support for myself like maybe joining a support group or finding better/healthier ways to live so it can help us both be strong enough to get through the rough times of the disorder. We are both trying to make an effort to treat this so that we can have a more normal lifestyle. It won't ever really be normal but we can try to make it a little closer to normal.
I just wanted to let my family and friends know that although I may be acting anti-social or withdrawn...it's one hundred percent because I am dealing with this disorder and I am not just being difficult for no reason. I think, for me, some of the hardest parts of this are people think that I'm the one causing problems at home and I'm the one who makes life difficult for us but it really only looks that way because Jonathan can't express his feelings or thoughts openly with anyone. Not because he's scared but because he doesn't know how. He doesn't even realize how he's treating others most of the time. I have heard all sorts of marriage advice from people around me that think I'm just not being a good wife or that I'm not doing my best to be what he needs and really it is the disorder wreaking havoc on us.
I really hope that you understand what I'm trying to say. I'm not here to get a pity party or to burden anyone with my issues. I just felt it necessary and important to voice what we've been going through so that we aren't misunderstood any further. I am very often misunderstood and I just wanted and needed to get this out. We need the love and support from our families and friends. I may sound very negative to some of you but I am honestly feeling optimistic about the whole thing. It's hard to deal with on a day to day basis, yes, but I do think that if we continue to seek treatment and work on finding ways to cope with it then we will be just fine. I really struggle with this but I am strong and I am determined to get through this. I have to come to terms with the fact that he will never be cured...we can only treat the symptoms so they aren't as extreme. This isn't something that will just go away with time and medication but we're hoping that it won't be as intense if we treat it properly and get the help we need. Thank you so much for reading this...I know it's a long post but it's very important to me that others are "kept in the loop" about things. I am not a secretive person. I am an open book and maybe I'm a little too open for most people but it's part of who I am. Thank you for listening to me for so long. I really do appreciate anyone who reads this. I know that not many people do. Thanks to those who are supporting me by reading and commenting on my blog. It means more to me than you could ever know.
Jonathan was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder a few months after we got engaged so it was a little less than a year ago. He has what's called Rapid Cycle Bipolar Disorder. I have to admit that it was an incredibly hard thing to take. We had always struggled in our relationship...even when we were dating. We would have times where everything was amazing and we got along perfectly and there were times that I didn't even think I could possibly consider marrying him. We would fight the most intense fights I've ever fought in my life. I thought he had a temper problem. I was so wrong. Even when he was diagnosed I didn't really realize what I was getting myself into. I just thought, "Oh...intense mood swings...I can handle that" but I was so wrong.
The doctor decided to start him out on Lamictal which is a mood stabilizer also used for people with epilepsy. She also prescribed an anti-depressant that many of you have heard of, I'm sure, Zoloft. I noticed an IMMEDIATE difference. The mood swings got a little less intense and they were spread a tiny bit further apart. Since he was diagnosed and is now being treated for Bipolar I am trying to research more into the disease itself. The doctor also recommended that I come to ALL of his appointments because one of the problems with Bipolar is that their perceptions are completely off and they can't see what is really happening in life. I started going with him to his doctor appointments regularly. She has taught me a lot of facts about Bipolar that I had NO idea about. She told me about the personality issues that come along with the disorder and everything started making sense why we weren't getting along so well all the time.
Some of the key symptoms I've learned about include: incomparable irresponsibility, skewed perception of reality, feeling unusually “high” and optimistic OR extremely irritable, unrealistic beliefs about one’s abilities or powers, sleeping very little but feeling extremely energetic, Racing thoughts or jumping quickly from one idea to the next, highly distractible, impaired judgment and impulsiveness, acting recklessly without thinking about the consequences, delusions and hallucinations (in severe cases), feeling hopeless and sad or empty, inability to experience pleasure, fatigue or loss of energy, physical and mental sluggishness, appetite or weight changes, concentration and memory problems, feelings of worthlessness or guilt, thoughts of death or suicide, etc. The list goes on and on and on. You can read more about the behaviors here.
Some of the other things our doctor has informed us about is the fact that most people wouldn't even know that there is something wrong with him. She says that the people who suffer the most are the ones that love them the most or are the closest to them. She told us some incredibly scary statistics about it. She told us that there was a study done among Bipolars regarding marriage. Of 10,000 Bipolars studied...8,500 of them were divorced from their spouses within the first 3 years. The odds of a marriage lasting with one of the partners with this illness are so scary to think about. She told us that the majority of people with Bipolar end up committing suicide. They are prone to alcoholism and drug abuse. They are most of the time non-compliant with medication. Their sex drives are out of control (she calls this the Koala Bear effect...holds on and never lets go...haha...I thought that was a funny way to put it). They usually are the meanest to their spouses...not just mean, either, flat out horrible. There are SO many symptoms/behaviors involved with this disorder. Sometimes they are incredibly productive and energetic and happy (manic phase) and sometimes they are so depressed and unable to function (depressive phase). Sometimes they can be a little of both (mixed phase).
I have seen almost every symptom full force with Jonathan. It is incredibly hard to deal with. Sometimes we get along so well and sometimes it's unbearable to be in the same room. The reason I am posting all of this information is partly because I have been trying to keep this pretty quiet because I felt that it would be burdening others to talk about it (and honestly all that has been doing is burdening me). I also feel that it is necessary for my friends and family to understand me and why I act strangely sometimes or why he acts strangely sometimes. This is not something that will just go away. It's a constant battle and the more I read about it the more I learn that. I came across this site tonight after a small fight that we had and I honestly have learned a lot about how important it is to educate yourself and your family and friends about the illness.
I never realized how much support I needed and I think another part of the reason why I am posting this tonight is because I NEED the support and understanding of my loved ones. Dealing with this quietly and on my own has only made me feel isolated from the rest of the world. I have learned from this that I need to seek support and help for myself if I'm ever going to be successful at helping Jonathan with his illness and keeping our marriage from falling apart. Things have been pretty hard for us lately so we are trying to take the next steps. Jonathan will be seeing a Psychiatrist in September to better diagnose and medicate as opposed to seeing a family practitioner who doesn't specialize in mental illness. He starts therapy on Monday afternoon (which my doctor would also like me to join him in doing so I can help him and myself) which will help him learn to express himself in a more calm manner instead of screaming at me all the time or ignoring me completely. I am really trying to look for ways that I can find support for myself like maybe joining a support group or finding better/healthier ways to live so it can help us both be strong enough to get through the rough times of the disorder. We are both trying to make an effort to treat this so that we can have a more normal lifestyle. It won't ever really be normal but we can try to make it a little closer to normal.
I just wanted to let my family and friends know that although I may be acting anti-social or withdrawn...it's one hundred percent because I am dealing with this disorder and I am not just being difficult for no reason. I think, for me, some of the hardest parts of this are people think that I'm the one causing problems at home and I'm the one who makes life difficult for us but it really only looks that way because Jonathan can't express his feelings or thoughts openly with anyone. Not because he's scared but because he doesn't know how. He doesn't even realize how he's treating others most of the time. I have heard all sorts of marriage advice from people around me that think I'm just not being a good wife or that I'm not doing my best to be what he needs and really it is the disorder wreaking havoc on us.
I really hope that you understand what I'm trying to say. I'm not here to get a pity party or to burden anyone with my issues. I just felt it necessary and important to voice what we've been going through so that we aren't misunderstood any further. I am very often misunderstood and I just wanted and needed to get this out. We need the love and support from our families and friends. I may sound very negative to some of you but I am honestly feeling optimistic about the whole thing. It's hard to deal with on a day to day basis, yes, but I do think that if we continue to seek treatment and work on finding ways to cope with it then we will be just fine. I really struggle with this but I am strong and I am determined to get through this. I have to come to terms with the fact that he will never be cured...we can only treat the symptoms so they aren't as extreme. This isn't something that will just go away with time and medication but we're hoping that it won't be as intense if we treat it properly and get the help we need. Thank you so much for reading this...I know it's a long post but it's very important to me that others are "kept in the loop" about things. I am not a secretive person. I am an open book and maybe I'm a little too open for most people but it's part of who I am. Thank you for listening to me for so long. I really do appreciate anyone who reads this. I know that not many people do. Thanks to those who are supporting me by reading and commenting on my blog. It means more to me than you could ever know.
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